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Teen Poetry #4
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Let me Be(Changed from Critique)
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Let me Be(Changed from Critique) |
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Heart=Life Junior Member
since 2001-02-03
Posts 29United Kingdom |
Well allan you seemed to be loved around here and i thought about what you said and it made sense to change it, cheers. ---------------------------------------------------- Let me be your protection And be with you day and night I won't let anyone hurt you Or let you out my sight Let me be your guiding star To stop you getting lost I'll do for you whatever it takes No matter what the cost Let me be your sunshine That brightens up your day I'll take you out wherever you want For fun in anyway Let me be your soul Thats with you forever and ever At least this way you'll know That we will be together Let me be, in eternity At your side, so you can see I'm faithful and honest in every way It will be like that everyday Because mine is a love That comes straight from my heart Brings a smile to my face As we are never apart The word love means to me Like a bee wants it's honey When we are together My worlds always sunny [This message has been edited by Heart=Life (edited 02-08-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Ben Singleton - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Okay, for the record I wasn't saying that the last line in the original was ~poor~ at all, I just said that it could be taken two ways. And sometimes, I believe, that is a good thing. I honestly did like that line, maybe because it wasn't definite what it meant. As for this revision, it's a good job. I noticed a few stanzas that were different from the first time, and perhaps thought you should simply compile the two versions. It's all good, you didn't have to cut anything out. I also miss the irregularity of the last stanza, how it stuck out in the first one. The first poem was great, and this revision should be ~inculded~ in the original version, not substituted for it. Still, as a stand-alone, this poem is good. And hey, about that popularity thing? What can I say? I'm a lovable guy. ^_^ Thanks for reading into my words. Good job. It takes a lot of patience to revise poetry. -Allan We used to hate people, now we just make fun of them. It's more effective that way. --KMFDM |
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Heart=Life Junior Member
since 2001-02-03
Posts 29United Kingdom |
I have mixed them up and done a third draft but i won't bother posting it, cos it's practically similar, Cheer's Allan for the help |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
You have your own style, and i like it personally. This poem is good, but at the same time, the other one is good too. Both poems has it's own personality. You've done a great job I see no changes, wake up in the morning I ask myself, "Is life worth living or should I blast myself" TUPAC SHAKUR |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Nicely done.....but I don't think you should change a poem because a member suggests something. In my opinion, you felt what you felt at the moment......changing the wording and style of it would only change the whole meaning and mood of it all. You'd lose your innitial feeling. I'd stick with the original.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
I think this poem is good  You shouldn't feel like you have to change your poems."Disagreements stimulate thought, thought stimulates action, and action stimulates life." --Lakewalker http://www.thehungersite.com |
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