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chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

0 posted 2001-05-21 06:01 PM

The names are completely made up...so...
==========

The TV blares in my face.
"Buy this toothpaste!" it seems to scream at me.
What if I don't, huh?
What if I don't?
I'll probably get bad breath.
Rachel laughs.
I look at her.
What's so funny?
I sit there, hugging my knees
On the old worn couch.
Haley offers me some chips.
I refuse.
I don't like chips.

I get lost in my own thoughts.
Conversations seem to orbit my body.
Laughter rings in my ears.
I don't know what's going on...
I don't bother.
In the back of my mind,
I hear the Voice that says:
Join them...
Or you'll never know...
I can't.
I won't.
I ignore that voice...
I don't care.
I seem to be an interruption
In their perfect world.

obscurity of cloud
Member

since 2001-05-11

Posts 294
....:::::******:::::....

1 posted 2001-05-21 07:14 PM

I loved the last two lines of this

"so when at times the mob is swayed to carry praise or blame too far, we may choose something like a star" --Frost

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

2 posted 2001-05-21 08:00 PM

great job...i also found the last lines to be the best...thnaks for sharing...

...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

3 posted 2001-05-21 09:21 PM

wow, this is great!

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

4 posted 2001-05-22 07:34 PM

This was really really well done. You wrote this so well. I loved this one.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

5 posted 2001-05-31 07:32 PM

Heym this has a lot of potential. Add a little more and I believe it'll be a classic. keep it up

I'm so sorry for doubting you Kit ... please forgive me!!!!

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

6 posted 2001-06-01 12:13 PM

I agree with Acire... maybe add some sort of a twist?  Like you struggle through just a bit more, and then you draw some conclusion and take action somehow?
I think this has great potential, as Acies said.  If you do expand a bit, be sure to post the finished product.
Aside from that I like "I don't like chips."  Wonderful symbolism.
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

7 posted 2001-06-06 09:32 PM

This is an interesting poem and i like it a lot! Great job and keep those poems comin hun !!!

quitstaringatmenow
Junior Member

since 2001-06-06

Posts 10

8 posted 2001-06-06 09:42 PM

I liked this poem because it was very unique. I've never seen a poem quite like this one. Great job

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