»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #4
»
If You Care
| Teen Poetry #4 |
|
If You Care |
|
Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden 
|
The envelopes me in it's arms, and holds me by it's side. The full moon echos on the beach, among a crimson tide. But all that doesn't matter to me, because you are not there, I could have everything in the world, but what matters is if care. If you care that I'm angry still, from so many months ago. If you care that when I'm sad, you're the only one who knows. If you care that I'm lonely, and you hold me for once in your life. If you care that I'm sorry, and you take away my strife. All the money in the world, wouldn't much to me be, the same as the love you have, if you feel like that for me. If you care enough to let me know, that I'm the one you wanted, save me from that miserable dark, fears and thoughts, haunted. If you care. Alright, I know this sucks, just don't tell me that unless it honestly sucks that much. I wish people would stop telling me that I can do anything I want to. I never thought that I couldn't. |
||
| © Copyright 2001 Allysa - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
The only problems I had with this poem were the "life-strife" rhyme (which I see daily, and it gets old) and the "be-me" rhyme (because how you worked the word "be" in seemed a bit lazy of you). The way to get around tough rhymes is to rearrange the sentence and give yourself a new word with which to rhyme. I won't tell you this poem sucks, because it doesn't. I like it, but those two parts dragged it down for me. ~Allan Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
||
|
anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
The only thing that sucks in this piece is that afterthought! It really brings the piece down when you write that. Well, it doesn't bring it down dramatically or anything but you know what I mean, right?  I personally didn't find anything wrong with the way it was written, especially the rhyme. You're a wonderful writer so I can just reinforce that this doesn't suck once again? Thanks.  Nice work, Allysa.  ~AF~ Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed. |
||
|
banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
i would tell you that this sucks, but then i would be lying to you i liked this a lot, especially the title and the way you ended it. keep posting all your poetry.Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
||
|
Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
allan, this is one of those "just-sat-down-at-the-computer-didn't-give-it-much-thought -just-thought-that-you-all-might-like-to-know-that-I'm-still-here" type of thing. Sorry about the rhyming, yup, I'm LAZY, I'll admit it. Anyways, bye. And banbury, thanks. I wish people would stop telling me that I can do anything I want to. I never thought that I couldn't. |
||
|
Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
Yeah, they said it, and lazy can be alright, just don't get addicted to being lazy. "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle" Plato. |
||
|
anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
great job and this didnt suck at all..i enjoyed this poem a lot...thanksf or sharing and this really didnt so..yea...i thought you did well..  ...?if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" |
||
|
Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Allysa -- this is an enjoyable read no matter what. Why don't you just get over Nitsuj?  Hope things do get better for ya. keep your head up.Oh, by the way, did you move away yet? "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
||
|
Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Another great post Allysa, really enjoyed the read and It really doesn't suck Zu |
||
|
Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
Acire, look, I haven't moved, we have to be out by JUNE 25. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!! I want to stay where I am allllllllllll summer. ANways, about Nitsuj, it's not possible to get over him. Can you get over your emotions? ANyways, Justin is a complicated situtation, as well as a complicated name. There's SIX of them all together, and if you want me to get over him, well, could you ever get over erica??? I mean completely over?? Where you just turn and walk away and never think what could have been??? I really don't think it's possible. Justin hates it when I cry. No one else seems to care but he hates it when I cry. Anyways, I'm not gonna sit here and explain to you why I can't forget about him. It's a waste of time. I know you're in a better place and though I cannot see your face, I know you're smiling down on me, saying everything's okay. ~R Kelly (I wish) |
||
|
Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
I've totally forgotten bout Erica. I've moved on. There's no use for me to lament over a situation that will never happen. I'm just gonna use that energy for someone else "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
||
|
Elizabeth
Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 1999-06-07
Posts 6871Minnesota |
It didn't suck....I know how you feel. |
||
|
Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
then why do you insist that we call you acire instead of giving us a real name to call you by? Acire is a part of her, as well as a part of you. I could call myself JPJWO5719, and that would mean something to me that no one would understand, but instead I picked a name that is solely myself. Acire is you, but the basis is her. And you can't tell me that in your heart you NEVER think what your life together could've been. I know you're in a better place and though I cannot see your face, I know you're smiling down on me, saying everything's okay. ~R Kelly (I wish) |
||
|
Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I enjoyed this one Allysa....well done on the poem. Hope to see more cutie pie!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
