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Rach813
Junior Member

since 2001-04-17

Posts 30
Maine

0 posted 2001-04-20 01:19 PM

I love him more than words can say
but I'm afraid if I tell him, he'll just run away

He's always on my mind
a picture of his face so sweet and kind

I don't think I could handle things
if the rejection crushed my dreams

He means the world to me
and I wish I could make him see

That the love I feel for him
is undying and will never end

I love him with every beat of my heart
I want us to be together and never apart

If I could get up the courage for just one day
there's so many things I'd like to say

I have so much on my mind
I'd never have the time

So I'll never tell him all the things I dream
because me feelings go much deeper than it may seem

But as long as there are stars in the sky above
he will always be my secret love

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

1 posted 2001-04-20 07:40 PM

I really did like this one quite a bit! The last line was great.
Oh and as for critiques, I think you might want to (in the future, this poem is fine as is) pay attention to the length of each line when writing in couplets like this. Syllable counts are an important and all-too-often overlooked aspect of poetry.

~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

2 posted 2001-04-20 10:39 PM

I like this a lot, Rachel. You really expressed your emotions very well.
Nicely done.

--Marie

subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart.

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

3 posted 2001-04-20 10:55 PM

I disagree with Allan
I think you did a pretty good job
who cares about syllable counts

one thing though..."Tell him how you feel"

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

MindlessPoet
Member

since 2001-04-20

Posts 106
Texas

4 posted 2001-04-21 12:53 PM

I really liked that poem

Some of the lengths of the lines were a uneven, but it was good nonetheless

*TiMMYBoY*
Yeah, that's me. The Weird One.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

5 posted 2001-04-21 01:57 AM

I liked it....well done.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

6 posted 2001-04-21 01:59 AM

it was nicee..
keep writing

...?

death is not the greatest loss in life. the greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. -norman cousins

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