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fozzyozzy
Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 336
Lessburg Virginia

0 posted 2001-04-09 12:03 PM

How Twilight Falls

Twilight falls 'pon unsuspecting rivers of the heart
Shimmering puddles each a rememberance to a part
What has been or never begun to be again
Grows every day under plummeting rain
I understand how the shadows fall but not twilight
Fragments severing my vision whilst blackness takes my sight

The sky's temperance a mighty midnight blue
Anything else from my mind would be a different hue
Grasp my hand to walk me through this darkness
This cloth God has draped to cover my starkness
Twilight falls so subtley few can notice
Like the changing of the moon or the blossoming of a lotus

I tried to catch the twilight as it ran from the sun
But I lost the race long before it begun
Alas my eyes closed, I fell asleep
Passing the twilight no memories to keep
Twilight still remaining a mystery to me
After the light before the night no one can see
------------------------------------
Sorry I haven't been posting for a while. I guess things slow down after so many posts. Don't worry though, i'm still "working" here.

"The heart can think of no devotion
Greater than being shore to ocean
Holding the curve of one position
Counting an endless repetition"
-

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

1 posted 2001-04-09 09:38 AM

Hmm... this was alright, Ozz. However I think you should learn more about meter.
It's all about accented and unaccented syllables- for example, something that reads "daDA-daDA-daDA-daDA" like that, sylliblically.

There are other kinds of course, try to do some research. It does help a poem to flow better in most cases. This poem could use a bit of it... I wish I could give you a link, I took a small peek at the World Wide Web but didn't turn up anything helpful. Ah, well.
Otherwise, the poem was quite good. I like your descriptions and phrasing, it was very professional.

~Allan

The sun was born, so it shall die. ~VNV Nation, "Further"

banburycross
Senior Member

since 2001-03-27

Posts 946
viginia

2 posted 2001-04-09 02:16 PM

i agree with allan as far as meter is concerned, but i thought this was a very good poem. i was glad to see you posting some things again. keep writing and posting.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

3 posted 2001-04-09 07:48 PM

daDaDadadaDAdDADADDAdadadDADDadadDADdada?

I liked this.....very deep. I liked the symbolism in here. Great poem....Dadada?

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

4 posted 2001-04-09 08:36 PM

heh, Dopes..
I would like to hear Allan sing that one..
Great post, Fozzy. I enjoyed the read. I liked the symbolism and the format. Very nicely done.

--Marie

"Hope is a thing with feathers that perches in the soul." --Emily Dickinson

Attack Ferrit
Junior Member

since 2001-04-09

Posts 41
texas

5 posted 2001-04-09 10:24 PM

nice post. i really enjoyed it. i thought
"Grasp my hand to walk me through this darkness
This cloth God has draped to cover my starkness"
were great lines.
i agree with allan and banburycross about the meter thing but otherwise really good.

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