»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #12
»
Chop
| Open Poetry #12 |
|
Chop |
|
|
Jazzmole Junior Member
since 2001-02-15
Posts 30Texas |
The Maples: Swaying like a waltz at a debutant's ball from a more noble time: Before Before industrialization and capitalization and colonization. Before political correctness and mass slayings on playgrounds. Before ozone erosion and lascivious- litigating coffee drinkers. Before internet romances. Swaying Bearing the world and its lofty aspirations and mutilations under asymmetrical splintering arms as worn out as an old wire brush. Long suffering its obtuse environment like an old man endures the foolishness of a child. As impotent as the vibrations that are born between striking of hammer and string, only to fill the ear of a deaf pianist. Content to enjoy the passing of time until worm rapes its bark, or axe harvests its trunk for our candy wrappers and pornography. Chop Michael~ |
||
| © Copyright 2001 Michael - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Vilification Acid Precipitation Reforestation |
||
|
Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
The Maples: Swaying like a waltz at a debutant's ball from a more noble time: Before Before industrialization and capitalization and colonization. Before political correctness and mass slayings on playgrounds. Before ozone erosion and lascivious- litigating coffee drinkers. Before internet romances. Swaying Bearing the world and its lofty aspirations and mutilations under asymmetrical splintering arms as worn out as an old wire brush. Long suffering its obtuse environment like an old man endures the foolishness of a child. As impotent as the vibrations that are born between striking of hammer and string, only to fill the ear of a deaf pianist. Content to enjoy the passing of time until worm rapes its bark, or axe harvests its trunk for our candy wrappers and pornography. Chop ___________ Welcome to passions...here is a person who shares your critiquing philosophy  But I tend not to be 'brutal' per se - just honest... I really enjoyed this piece. I like it's tone, theme and imagery. The way you have utilised your words is also good - I don't really feel that many are unnecessary. My suggestions are as follows: I feel that 'Sway' is somehow more fitting than 'Swaying.' I am trying to come up with an adequate reason for that - other than that I just think it 'sounds' better lol... These lines: As impotent as the vibrations that are born between striking of hammer and string, I like a lot - only I would cut out the first 'As' - avoiding the repetition with the second as, and also - it doesn't work well having 'as' at the beginning of a punctuated sentence. I'd do the same here: as worn out as an old wire brush. and also cut the 'out' and simply have 'worn as an old wire brush' It tightens the line...I read it aloud, it seems to keep the rhythm ok. Now, in regards to that whole section: Bearing the world and its lofty aspirations and mutilations under asymmetrical splintering arms as worn out as an old wire brush. Long suffering its obtuse environment like an old man endures the foolishness of a child. I have a problem with the two similes so close together. It too much resembles 'listing' for my poetic comfort. I wonder if the old man simile could become a metaphor instead? I'd also make it very simple...without a weighted word such as foolishness - allowing the reader to draw their own implications. Something like (and I'll just include my other suggestion also): Bearing the world and its lofty aspirations and mutilations under asymmetrical splintering arms worn as an old wire brush. Long suffering its obtuse environment - the elderly enduring the young. That is the most dramatic change I'd suggest here. I think the word 'young' instead of 'child' and minus 'foolishness' - is subtle enough to allow a reader's own feelings to develop. Of course, that is just my opinion - that that is a necessary element of the poem. Your punctuation overall seems excellent (I belong to punctuation obsessives anonymous lol). The commas in the last verse aren't consistent with the lack of commas in the preceding sections. Now, I don't think there is anything grammatically correct in any of the sections - it just stands out that's all. Makes the comma use a little obvious. I love how Chop stands alone as the last word - it's weighted, it's heavy and it really really works. Overall - this was a pleasure to read and critique - please let me know what you think... and again - welcome  K...and I have found that a lifetime can be lived in one moment... T.G.M. [This message has been edited by Severn (edited 02-19-2001).] |
||
|
Jazzmole Junior Member
since 2001-02-15
Posts 30Texas |
Severn, a most insightful and cogent critique! ~To sway as opposed to swaying--yes, I agree that it does flow better. ~As impotent as--of course. tsk tsk, I didn't even notice that. ~worn as an old wire brush--once again, yes. I have edited and changed this one line more than any others and was never satisfied. I think I'll steal yours. lol ~the eldery enduring the young--hmm, it doesn't work. I agree that a metaphor would work better than a simile here, but I think the old man is necessary: He is the precursor for impotent. I'll give this one some thought and try to find an appropriate metaphor of an old man. As for the commas, you are correct again. This was my first attempt at Beat and I've had a terrible time at finding tight line breaks. As I had it written, the breaks were vastly different than the ones posted here (as space would allow, you know) and as I posted this poem, I rearranged it and punctuated out of habit without regard to harmony of the stanzas. Keen eye. I love your critiques! I'll begin the re-write at once. Thank you so much, Michael~ [This message has been edited by Jazzmole (edited 02-19-2001).] |
||
|
Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-06-15
Posts 7136Mobile, AL |
Well, I'm not here to critique, but to drool in awe at your amazing way with words and images.  I do love your writing, and I have read more than I have been able to comment on I can assure you. |
||
|
Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Smiling - you're welcome... I just snuck back in here because I realised I wrote an appalling error lol.. I put - there doesn't seem to be anything grammatically CORRECT when it was meant to be INCORRECT...~blush~ so - yeah...there you go... oh - and I will be back to critique more I promise - feel free to do mine to bits if you wish. From one fellow freeverser to another K...and I have found that a lifetime can be lived in one moment... T.G.M. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
