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Our Universe
| Open Poetry #12 |
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Our Universe |
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Jazzmole Junior Member
since 2001-02-15
Posts 30Texas |
The moon is our spotlight. The universe--our dancefloor: Two cosmic bodies suspended, touching. The synchronous beating of our hearts is the time to which we keep. The orbiting of our souls is the waltz in which we sway. The galaxy of discovered sublimity is the stage that lies in front. The melody--love's profusion, is the only song that's heard. The lyrics of suffusion, is the only spoken word. The harmony of our spirits- the conductor's one command. And chords that strike for no one, for tonight we are the band. Michael~ |
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| © Copyright 2001 Michael - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
The orbiting of our souls is the waltz in which we sway. The galaxy of discovered sublimity is the stage that lies in front. The melody--love's profusion, is the only song that's heard. The lyrics of suffusion, is the only spoken word. =============== excellent use of celestial imagery and musical metaphors... unique comparisons and vocabulary choices well done and very cool As sure as God made wine you can't wrap your arms around a memory In the dark for me youre the candle flame that flickers to life ~Mission UK~ |
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kcsgrandma Senior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 1522Presque Isle, ME |
I do like your imagery, and I'm always a sucker for musical allusions. I have one question though. Is there a reason for using rhyme in the second stanza and not in the first? I'm not necessarily for or against rhyme, but find the change in the middle of the poem to be a little jarring. To love another person is to see the face of God. - Les Miserables Marilyn |
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Nate Dogg Senior Member
since 1999-11-15
Posts 1658Georgia, Fulton |
Hey Jazz, I didn't even notice the unrhyming part until the poet above me said something cause, this poem is so unique and well-written....I also loved your vocabulary too....this is just an excellent poem...peace! Nathan |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
I like your theme a lot - A cosmic waltz is a wondrous fantasy indeed... As for critique (as you've requested).. Your extended metaphor is simply great.... I do have to concur with my comrades here, though... Continuity from one stanza to the next would produce a better flow in your poem... In this case, as the theme evolves about a "dance", I'd enjoy an end rhyme/metered format... Just me & my preferences, I guess...  |
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