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Open Poetry #7
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Sleeping alone
| Open Poetry #7 |
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Sleeping alone |
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Tara Simms Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 1244Honea Path, SC USA 
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**This was written as a song (my first attempt at songwriting). I don't know anything about writing songs, so any/all feedback will be greatly appreciated. I'm also not sure on the title. "Sleeping alone" is my working title. I'm also considering "Why am I alone?" ** You say a day doesn’t pass Without me in your thoughts But baby, you’ve got her— And what’ve I got? My arms are empty When I lie here in bed Tossing and turning— You’re holding her instead. Why must the nights be so long? Baby, what am I doing wrong? To be the one sleeping alone How much longer must I wait Til you’re mine again? Will we have a chance at being lovers Or are we doomed to being friends? What will it take For my love to reach you? When will you admit That you feel it too? Why must the nights be so long? Baby, what am I doing wrong? To be the one sleeping alone Time keeps on slipping away, It’s another thought with me in it I hear the ticking of the clock, Count the passing of the minutes These moments, forever lost Never to be regained Honey, just tell me Am I alone in my pain? Why must the nights be so long? Baby, what am I doing wrong? To be the one sleeping alone Baby, why am I alone? |
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| © Copyright 2000 Tara Simms - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
I know absolutely nothing about writing songs but I like this! For a title how about "Why Must The Nights Be So Long?" ? This is great, I can almost hear the music!  Denise |
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Parker Member Elite
since 2000-01-06
Posts 3129ON |
Because ya don’t know me Baby, baby please I’m just stuck in this tree Watching you all night Baby, watching you cry tonight.. Because ya don’t know me Baby, baby please Just give me some time tonight Open your window wide, Baby, I saw you cry tonight.. Your doing nothing wrong, Oh, baby He don’t deserve your song Oh, honey Because you don’t know me Because you don’t know me Baby, I’m stuck in this tree Tonight… Watching you all night…. Oh, baby Parker.... well I have no real input, I'm not a very good song writer, but this reply came to mind. I like your song, keep working on it. [This message has been edited by Haleyja (edited 05-18-2000).] |
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Tara Simms Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 1244Honea Path, SC USA |
Lol@Parker. So this is how to catch your eye, huh? I just have to sing out of tune for a bit and now I've got you stalking me in that darn tree! Denise, thank you. I'm hearing a soft, slow country ballad a la Trisha Yearwood.  )It matters not how strait the gate; How charged with punishments the scroll; I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. --W.E. Henley |
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Rex Allen McCoy Member Elite
since 2000-01-30
Posts 2863Sippin a Timmy's in London |
As a poem I really like it But I would need to here it put to music to give an honest opinion to it as a song It appears to me that the 'meter' does not repeat ( depending on the music ... this could be good ) Rex |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Me too, Tara! Trisha is great, isn't she?! Denise |
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wayoutwalt Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870TEXAS (it's all big) |
i like it yuh it flows well and thats important to a song yuh but please i love cauterwauling o yuh! |
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Ethan Halo Senior Member
since 2000-04-28
Posts 793on the roof again |
i wonder about what music you throw this onto.... i like it alot. it reminds me of one of my songs i wrote that doesn't have any notes. maybe one day i'll learn to read/write music... but it's good and from the heart. i dig it. lookin forward to hearin more from ya. We all got somethin' we need to atone for. |
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netswan Senior Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 1369Washington |
Tara this is a great poem. The only way I can put this to the guitar and sing it, would be to put a country western twang to it and add syllables You say a day won't pass Without me in your thoughts But baby, you’ve got her— And what’ve I got __t? My arms are empty When I lie here in my bed Tossing and turning— Cuz, You’re holding her instead. NOW the Chorus can be different than the regular music So by adding ong to the end of long this turns into an 8 syllable chorus EASY to write 4 and 8 beats. Why must the nights be so long -ong? Baby, what am I doing wrong? To be the one sleeping alone Give you some ideas -- great words -- keep trying -- One way to learn to write songs really fast is take a song you like and change the words - making them fit to the song you like and see what happens --) netswan |
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Danny Holloway Member Elite
since 2000-01-15
Posts 2034Tulsa, OK |
I like the title, and i like the title suggested by dsnyder. You may have a Grammy here. And the winner is.......... ~~nice writing~~ |
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Tara Simms Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 1244Honea Path, SC USA |
Denise, yes, Trisha is a favorite of mine. Walt and Danny, thanks. Rex and Ethan, I dont' know how to write music but I have a friend who does. I'm going to see if he can set this to music and see how it sounds. Netswan, thanks for the feedback on it. I figured if/when it's actually a song (complete with music), the singer (not me, I "caterwaul") would embellish with the drawn out syllables. |
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Marina Member Elite
since 2000-02-10
Posts 2245Pickering, Ontario |
I think it is a great start Tara! Marina |
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