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Her Knowing Smile, a Re write
| Open Poetry #7 |
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Her Knowing Smile, a Re write |
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H. Arlequin Member
since 1999-08-23
Posts 210 |
Thanks, Kit, for the kind and helpful comments that encouraged this re write. Although the piece needs the heaviness in language to evoke the feeling of that evening, it was overdone in the first two verses, and I have tried to smooth the flow without trivializing the setting. Finally, most of us would agree, when writing on sexual themes, simplicity of language may be counter productive. While the usage of the term coition, is inoffensive, its anglosaxon colloquialism would be highly so.....thus some stilted language to bank the fire of the imagination. tx for taking the time to read and comment on narrative poetry, it is not fashionable, I know, but it's where I have chosen to work.... HA Her Knowing Smile The heavy cloying, semi-sickening closeness of honeysuckle on that hot and humid night hung its sweaty sweetness like cooling cane sorghum drips in spring. His angry self-serving verboseness echoing a spouse's ten commandments of right and wrong, railed on duty's demanded decorum. With crinolines and freshly brushed hair flying, trying to catch up, she disembarked their solemn pledges' ship. Her slaver captain's clanky chains, his impotent hand upraised, the rage that masked a prowess dying, propelled her from the house to yard and night, a trip more from than to. From unfulfillment, and somnolent, one-sided disregard of unrequited passion, her undiminished fire escaped coition's cul-de-sac, to anywhere. She strode into her garden's perfumed wall of scent, decrying fates' abusive sexual ration as amoral and unfair. The moon diffused the black until the weeping willow, its bridal veil a call to step within, had wooed and stopped her rushing. The arching branches, their bowing lacy fronds a queen's boudoir had made, whose honoree complied. Despite the tumultuous egress, deprivation blushing its appall, an other-worldly quietude, free of bonds, free of all outside herself, basal needs supplied within the psyche, effusively, well-being annointing her, soundlessly called out that she must feel...to celebrate herself, speed Artemis from the glen, Venus to arise, the manly eyes from passion's balconade all wanting her. Without thought, the detached graceful hands initiate the loosing, the piling at her feet, without suprise the step away from all that had so recently repressed, an undressed nymph, a confining chrysallis was let go, Eve's imago, nimbus its own light. Too tiny to be seen, each of ten million downy hairs, found its vocal quest, clamoring, celebrating life, as fervid passions flow into her flesh. She moves, a wanton wraith, the screen of willow walls, behind, glissading down the garden path, her music maestro playing in her ear, a knowing smile the finished touch for Eden's newest star. On and on within the arms of unseen gods who vied for her, wrath of losers nil, a woman rose above her entourage, her style, the elegant proportionate de Milo provided gods a canon for those who'd follow. Before the dawn, she stopped, as if chatting, waiting, and held aside the bower's frond in lascivious anticipating. Passive, she could not be, but in Priapus' Olympian adoration, passion's threshold dropped, the endless satiation mounting, ebbing, building beyond satyric dreams. At dawn she was alone, a weeping tree her canopy, clasped hands beneath her head, she stretched luxuriously, the knowing smile in place, arose and dressed. A consort of the pantheon in passions' panegyric, who knew those arms whose wisdom's charms had fetched from her enticing repartee and more, would never be depressed again, should dotage husband indulge in his choleric. --Don Juan de Feu . . . . . . Poems from the Goober Tree http://nathoo.wustl.edu/goober_tree.htm [This message has been edited by H. Arlequin (edited 05-10-2000).] |
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H. Arlequin Member
since 1999-08-23
Posts 210 |
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Meadowmuse Member Elite
since 1999-12-27
Posts 3263 |
Interesting...I just read this earlier today on another board and didn't realize it was you...(should have!)  I've just toggled back and forth between old (or at least, previous) version and new, and do agree that your revisions here bring this piece along. Not that it was remotely limpid, mind you, but yes, the revisions do work. As for narrative being fashionable or no, what of it? Work such as this NEVER needs an apology! Enjoyed it very much! ~ Claire Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?......Henry David Thoreau |
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H. Arlequin Member
since 1999-08-23
Posts 210 |
smooooooooooooches, and tytytytytytytytytytytytyty, Claire  ))HA |
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