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Open Poetry #7
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Please Wait" (help please)
| Open Poetry #7 |
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Please Wait" (help please) |
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Jeffrey Carter
since 2000-04-08
Posts 2367State of constant confusion! 
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This was written to be one of those tear-jerker country songs. So I'm gonna put it in song form. "Please Wait" 1.) I said I don't love you anymore And I wouldn't try to stop you if you wanted to leave That all the memories we made no longer mattered to me And somehow in my mind, I thought I wouldn't hesitate But girl I've changed my mind, so I'm begging Please wait ch.)Please wait, I don't want you to go now Please wait, If only I could change your mind somehow If I could only turn the clock back to yesterday You wouldn't be leaving me Oh baby, Please wait 2.) I didn't mean the things I said I didn't mean to break your heart I would never do anything to tear this love apart Without you I would be a ship lost at sea Never again to see dry land, my life would no longer be It's still kind of a rough draft. Please tell me of any changes you think should be made. All my love, Jeffrey I lie awake in a world filled with dreams, but dreams can be so real when you don't know you're asleep |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jeffrey D. Carter - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
I love it....keep going..give it more verses and repeat the chorus... there's some really great lines in there, as I read/sang it in my head... I imagined Dwight or Travis singing it with those twangs I love so. "Oh baby please wait"..oh yeah...  later-jeff-gator ~as always, Take Care,JM~ -------------- I know it's been a long road To get these towns behind me and I Will gladly reap what we may sow-- I am there for you ... and you're there for me ... Are you waiting for Heart in hand Woman and man See me where I stand I am Heart Heart in hand ~vertical horizon~ |
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Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-06-15
Posts 7136Mobile, AL |
Definetely country material here, but it seems to need a little something else to make it a tearjerker. Nothing can deter a poet, for he is actuated by pure love. Who can predict his comings and goings? "Thoreau" |
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tracie66 Member Elite
since 2000-01-18
Posts 4713Australia |
I agree with the above. Great stuff but yep needs something else to make it a tear jerker Jeff  Tracie~ Love is the life of the soul... It is the harmony of the universe |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Hmm lets see Jeffrey. I liked the first verse and the chorus. The second needs some work. 2.) I didn't mean the things I said I didn't mean to break your heart I would never do anything to tear this love apart Without you I would be a ship lost at sea Never again to see dry land, my life would no longer be You jumped right from; I didn't mean to break your heart to- I would never do anything to tear this love apart. The problem I have with this is the fact that the tearing apart was already done. It needs to sound more apologetic before you jump into the rest. More verses to complete the theme is necessary. I was going to give you some suggestions but my time is limited this morning. I will get back to you with some ideas. (if that is alright with you?)When you are old and grey and full of sleep, And nodding by the fire, take down this book, And slowly read, and dream of the soft look Your eyes had once, and of their shodows deep; How many loved your moments of glad grace, And loved your beauty with love false or true, But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you, And loved the sorrows of your changing face... William Butler Yeats |
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A Romantic Heart Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-03
Posts 5496Forever In Your Heart |
and all these lonely nights without you, I've been crying myself to sleep, Knowing How I hurt you baby, Seeing the tears I made you weep, We said our I dos and forevers, Vows we promised together, Thought you would always be in my life, The day You became my wife, Now my heart is breakin' From this pain of hurting you, Please darlin, don't say were through... (Please forgive me) For the things I've done and said, For the times I hurt you baby, For the times I've made you mad, Times I should've held you when you cried, Times I should've told the truth but lied, [This message has been edited by A Romantic Heart (edited 05-06-2000).] |
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amazon_lover Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 491Dublin,Ireland |
Hi Jeffery! Are you some kinda alter ego. You capture my emotions,love and even you appreciate it. Hold on to your love man as its the best feeling one can get. I was not the kinda guy who probed into my own heart and cherished the feelings and emotions. Lately I'm just a bundle of feelings and emotions. I crave for love but I won't demand. Be sure it'll come someday if it was meant to be. Also love can't be onesided affair and feelings are mutually exchanged at all times either with the physical presence or not. I have a friend who speaks with his girl for 2 hrs a day over phone and I'm amazed what can they speak. He told that he hardly remembered what he spoke and hardly felt he had spent 2 hrs. I wish I could do the same or atleast some sorta communication I desire. Its a difficult situation for us. I wish we recover. Sincerely A_L |
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Marina Member Elite
since 2000-02-10
Posts 2245Pickering, Ontario |
Well.....personally ,I would add a pick-up truck, old hound dog at your feet,tight jeans,cowboy hat,...Oh yes .....and snake skin boots! Oh.....you mean what would you add to the poem.....I thought you meant my fantasty!!! Marina |
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CocoBaci Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 3043 |
Your lyrics are off to a great start The voice I hear to sing this song Would be Jim Brickman a man of true heart. The feedback posted by the'romantic heart' Has indeed complimented the dimension to your song. |
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netswan Senior Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 1369Washington |
Oh twang at my broken heart I always play country records backwards, that way I get the old man back, the dog, the cat, my house, my job----and my guitar ---) This is good Jeffrey. I will copy and see what I can come with on my guitar, Only way I can write a country song --- first I slice onions then get the old guitar out -- and think about Hank Williams Hugs from netswan [This message has been edited by netswan (edited 05-06-2000).] |
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lorilockheart Member
since 2000-05-06
Posts 206Alabama |
Jeffrey, You really ought to think about a career in song-writing. I am a big country music fan, and I think this is definitely song material. I can just hear Alan Jackson, Randy Travis, or Brad Paisley singing these words. I really enjoyed it! |
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