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The Mastermind
New Member
since 2000-06-12
Posts 4


0 posted 2000-06-12 10:12 PM


This poem is about my first love, or at least I hope she is my first love, because it sure does feel that way. I have made an attempt to describe her, but failed for words cannot describe Perfection.

Describing Perfection

If God had words to decribe thee,
Then the Heavens themselves would come down to look upon your face.
To look upon your face and attempt to describe perfection, that which is you, would be futal.
To try would have to insult thee,
For there is nothing in the world that can come close to you.
Your beauty would make any man walk through a lake of fire and brimstone to win your affection.
One might confuse your face with the evening sky,
As the sun sets below the ocean of the crystal Pacific.
Your eyes are lipid pools of blue.
Your soul is that of a dove - angelic, and free.
The ruby red of your lips was what God had used to put the spirit into the precious stone.
Golden fields of dandelions bring the memory of your lustrious hair.
And the warmth of your smile can only match that of a burning flame.
Aphrodite, Beloved, Goddess
Thy heart yearns for your touch.
Nothing can destroy that which is perfect,
That which is innocent.
That which is beauty.
That which is sexy.
That which is you.


© Copyright 2000 The Mastermind - All Rights Reserved
Angel
Senior Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 551
Pennsylvania
1 posted 2000-06-12 10:27 PM


First, Welcome to Passions  . Second, this was incredibly beautiful. I hope you showed this to her, it was perfect. Keep writing and I'll keep reading  . Great Job.

~Susie


 "If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility."
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow "Driftwood"


Jeremy Halstead
Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 569
Morris, Ill. U.S.A
2 posted 2000-06-13 04:35 AM


Well, I hope you really like to write, cause I'm sure people are really going to want to read from you.  That is the first poem I've read in which a person tried to depict perfection while clearly stating that it couldn't be done.  Nice idea.  I hope she reads this.  Girls are suckers for that sort of thing...JUST KIDDING, JUST KIDDING.  

Jeremy Halstead

 

Estrella
New Member
since 2000-06-12
Posts 8

3 posted 2000-06-13 04:39 AM


Lovely poem... you've used really beautiful words to describe her. Love just feels this way, the person of you dreams seems perfect. That's how I felt too about someone I liked...

Joleen

LoveBug
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697

4 posted 2000-06-13 09:56 AM


Welcome to Passions! This is a beautiful tribute to the person you love. You must really love her if you see her this way. I hope to see more of your work soon!


 "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." -Oscar Wilde

amazon_lover
Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 491
Dublin,Ireland
5 posted 2000-06-13 11:16 AM


Hi Mastermind
Thats really good tribute..so powerful and authentic...good imageries.

Sincerely
A_L

Snickers
Member
since 2000-05-25
Posts 88
East Haddam, CT
6 posted 2000-06-13 04:44 PM


Welcome to Passions Mastermind!!!  You stated that it is impossible to describe perfection, and for that very reason I cannot describe your poem.   )  It was excellent!!  I'm very impressed.  You used strong imagery and it flowed so well.  I do hope that you showed this to your "first love" because she deserves to know how you feel about her.  She must be one lucky gal considering how highly you feel about her.  Great job!

~<3 Alwayz~
**Nikki**

Novacaine For The Soul
Member
since 2000-05-26
Posts 122
New Orleans
7 posted 2000-06-14 12:13 PM


dear the mastermind,
     overall i like this poem... in fact, there are only a few small things that i thought could use a second look and perhaps improve the poem... the first line bothers me somewhat... the idea that God (whether the Judeo-Christian God or any god) could not find a language to describe pefection seems a little off to me... but then, that's a matter of opinion... secondly, you use the archaic pronoun "thee" a number of times, but mix it with the modern equivalent "you"... i think this would bother a lot of poets and readers... it's also confusing... i suggest changing the "thees" to "yous" or changing your entire poem to elizabethan style english... if you want an example of that, then look up my poem "love sonata: requiem" in this forum... it's written in that style... finally, i dont think the word "sexy" fits well with the tone of the rest of your poem... i'd replace it with something more suave sounding... perhaps "amorous" or "voluptous"... i hope you'll take my suggestions as the constructive criticisms they are meant to be, and not as some sort of insult to you or your work... i think this poem shows great promise and i'll be looking for your work in the future... i think the line that best achieves the purpose of your poem -- to do the impossible and describe perfection with an imperfect language is "One might confuse your face with the evening sky"... very poetic...

sincerely,
a sad tomato

 you're such a beautiful freak... i wish there were more just like you...

The Mastermind
New Member
since 2000-06-12
Posts 4

8 posted 2000-06-15 06:50 PM


Thank you all for your compliments and suggestions. Thank you espcially, Novacaine, seriously. You are right, mixing "thee", and "you", the two different styles are kind of weird, but sometimes "thee" wouldnt work, and sometimes "you" wouldnt work in the sentence, so I switched them up. I do agree, that it needs a little editing to be either one or the other. About the God thing, I didnt want to specify, because the idea was an "all-knowing being", and in all cases that usually means a god, in amlost every religion. Finally for my final version (the one version I show her), I will have a replacement for sexy. I like your suggestions, they sound a lot better. Thank you all!
Kandi
Member
since 2000-06-14
Posts 354
North of Hell
9 posted 2000-06-15 11:34 PM


WOW! All I know is that I am sooo happy you've joined Passions! Welcome!
This may be your first post, but I can tell this isn't your first poem, by far! At least I hope it isn't! And I sincerely hope it is not your last!
This paragon of a girl is extremely lucky to have you be the one to write of her in such a beautiful way, because jeremy is right: girls ARE suckers for this type of thing...at least I know I am.  I think everyone would like to be viewed the way your eyes view this special someone.  I know I'd melt if someone wrote such things about me. Please tell me you've shown this masterpiece to her???
Anyways, loved it loved it loved it!!!
I impatiently await your next piece!

Much Love
Kris/Kandi


 ~*All that I have found in reason is reason just to not believe *~

~*Things you see the way you see them will never be seen again*~

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