»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Three - then six, seven
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Three - then six, seven |
|
|
gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
hit the six then hit the six again A night spent with Emily Dickinson not the poems unburned by her sister but Emily herself imagine three days after the world marked their calendar the day Saddam was found the numbers punched again there it is between the slow measured cadence of a relaxed message left and saved in the space between the words the listening flesh goosebumped, not from the fire unstoked or downturned thermostat the layered clothes and puffy vest counter that (no need to heat a houseful of air for a wife flown far away to the place from where a message comes) again the numbers, the cadence hit the six again again hearing inside the skin all internal systems turned to sunshine between breath mixes not with capillaries mixes with sunshine the breath mixes with sunshine there is no weight inside the skin words air mixing with sunshine once more the message the name, after three days, chosen spoken into voicemail hit the six and it rewinds seven seconds and hear it again between the words the air that, oh, what was that cliché?, not gurgle or coo, that happy aspiration into the warm air where the wife watches a message being left three days after the world changed forever for her daughter her daughter leaves a message that is rewound by dialing six rewound seven seconds and in the space between the words the newly named born the day thought important by the world because Saddam was caught aspirates a sound softly, distinctly a voicemail saved can be heard and by hitting six a sound between the words that holds all words is heard again |
||
| © Copyright 2003 gourdmad - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I really like this. At first, when you kept repeating 'hit the six' I thought you meant a six-pack... the sequence with the sunshine initially really struck me as a body-altering drug sort of thing... the warm alcohol rush... but no, it was just joy in the midst of a desolate setting. I really like the slow revelation of exactly what that meant. I spent some time trying to figure out what this meant... A wife, who's left her husband, but she has the decency to call and tell him the baby's name... but perhaps not enough decency to invite him to where she is, or come to where he is... there is a lot unspoken there- why'd she leave? Made for some interesting tension. A couple things I had trouble with: 'the listening flesh goosebumped, not from the fire unstoked or downturned thermostat the layered clothes and puffy vest counter that (no need to heat a houseful of air for a wife flown far away to the place from where a message comes)' This whole sequence was really hard for me to read... kind of convoluted, it took me a minute to get what you were saying. 'the newly named born the day thought important by the world' How about something more direct like: 'The day the world thought important' or somehting like that? It just seems easier, and like it would flow better. Hope I've helped. |
||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
No critique... but what I heard was a grandmother having gone to be with your daughter, to introduce your grandchild into the world. Awesome! |
||
|
gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
between new names saved on voicemail, grandchild gurgling listen, then again |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
