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An Alternate Reality
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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An Alternate Reality |
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mircasaster New Member
since 2003-08-08
Posts 9TN, United States |
I will admit now that this is a very...odd (maybe that is the wrong word to use) poem, but I felt compelled to write it one night at about 12:00. It was very strange when I was writing it becuase i only actualy remembered typing the first and last lines of the poem and nothing else. I actually reread it after I came out of what I compare to a trance and thought to myself "Okay, Zacory, I guess you can read it now." Please, tell me what you think of the poem. Thank you. Credendo Vides. An Alternate Reality I watch my creation of 6 days. I see their past actions and wonder. I feel their emotions and contemplate. I hear their cries and cringe with agony. I touch fate and time is stopped on a busy scene of Earth. I consider if I have failed in my design of my creation altogether. I behold a woman with a knife to her child’s throat. I behold a man staring and caring not for either of them or himself. I behold a juvenile with a gun to her head in confusion. I behold an elder disintegrating due to the onset of aging and disease. I behold an infant with its thoughts screaming due to the pain of abortion. I understand all of this and despise what I have done. I have given them free will to choose as they like and desire. I have given them my grace, mercy, and the blood of My Son to sanctify themselves. I have allowed them power over evil forces with my aid and instruction. I have offered them eternal life in a heavenly existence with me. What have they done with all of this? They have denied my name with contempt. They have turned upon one another and others of my creation. They have misinterpreted my instruction into rubbish. They have forsaken their kin in mind and spirit. They have destroyed and desecrated what I have given them. I touch fate once again and time accelerates to a busy scene of Earth. I behold a woman crying with the joy of her newborn child. I behold a man standing beside them willing to give his life for both. I behold a juvenile praying for the family’s future. I behold an elder giving praise for the life that I have given them. I behold an infant crying its first breaths of life with expected fear. I touch fate a final time and know that I will never destroy my creation again. I know that I have not failed in what I have done. |
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rose Member
since 2003-08-02
Posts 53 |
well mircasaster-- i hope that i find you in good health and spirits on this fine day...since you have done a bunch of my poems i thought i'd do one of yours. this is a very good poem with a very interesting idea behind it. i like the bibilical allusions and how the speaker is god--very creative. however, i have a few comments on how you might improve: first of all, the poem is kind of long, so you might consider trimming it a little by eliminating one of the things from each list (in this poem, each stanza). Another couple of things: the poem might flow more smoothly if you didn’t use “due to”—I feel like it breaks up the rhythm and doesn’t quite fit. You could change those lines like this: I behold an elder disintegrating with the onset of aging and disease. I behold an infant with its thoughts screaming from the pain of abortion. Next, certain lines seem to be a little jerky or the rhythm off…I suggest that you alter some of them like this: I behold a man staring and caring not for them or himself. I consider if I have failed in the design of my creation altogether. Here, eliminate redundancy: I have given them free will to choose as they like and desire. (like and desire are the same thing) Also, I behold an elder giving praise for the life that I have given them. In this line the word “them” should not be used, b/c if it referring to the elder, then there is only one elder and that makes it pronoun/ antecendent disagreement. If it referring to people in general, then you should probably say “the people” but in my opinion you could just leave that word off altogether and it would be better. My only other comment is that in the second to last line, I touch fate a final time and know that I will never destroy my creation again When is again? When did god destroy his creation in the first place? If you mean that he will never consider destroying it again, then you should move the again, but I would say, just delete it. Ok, ok, im finally done…I have no more things to nit-pick about. This was overall a good poem and I really enjoyed reading it. ~rose |
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