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Critical Analysis #2

Grandfather

J.L. Humphres
Member

since 2000-01-03

Posts 201
Alabama

0 posted 2002-04-09 02:58 PM

That day we sent you down,
left me cold and wet
from the storms of troubled spirit,
blown in off oceans of regret.
The laughs we always shared,
hid those things we never said.

The last few weeks were hardest
the cleanup and the sweep.
Trying to give some closure,
to a life you kept discreet.
When cleaning up your bed
I found the box you kept beneath.

I shuffled through faded out photos
of your dugout scenes;
Whitewashed houses
On treelined streets.
All the broken down memories
of yesterday's dreams.

Finally I reached an understanding,
of who you really are.
In letters to the family,
You sent from fields of war.
And wished we could have talked,
before the silence went too far.

   This is my first post in a while any advice is appreciated. It still reads kind of bumpy to me.
             Thanks,
                J.

Jason
God is a warm whisper from the cool void.
Jack Kerouac

Pearls_Of_Wisdom
Member

since 2000-09-02

Posts 175

1 posted 2002-04-21 03:46 PM

Jason,

Hey.  I haven't been here for a while either.  How's life been treatin' ya?

You're right, I think it does read choppy.  I think you want the poem to rhyme in specific places, but it doesn't, if that makes sense.  Like "clean up and sweep" just to rhyme with "beneath".  In the second last stanza, the flow is better and the rhyme doesn't stick out.

I like what you're trying to do here, but I think the emotion isn't getting across because you had a specific form in mind.  What would happen if you tried to write it again from the top and just saw what happened?  Or left it as is but tried to make it not rhyme?

Also, if you are going to enjamb the lines, I don't think you should put commas at the end, since you probably don't want us to pause.  That might help the flow too.  And be more specific if you can:  what does the speaker not regret saying to or hearing from his/her grandfather?  What does he/she wish they could've talked about?

Those are my thoughts.  Hope they're helpful,

Ashley

[This message has been edited by Pearls_Of_Wisdom (04-21-2002 03:49 PM).]

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