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Critical Analysis #2
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Journey
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Journey |
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RedStoneEB Senior Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 772uk 
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this is a new poem i wrote today and kinda working on but im willing to share what i wrote already to get some ideas from you the views hope you give me some hints on my work cos i really need it thanks. JOURNEY She whispered in the darkness Calling out towards my heart Laughing and dancing to my soul Playing the game that lovers know I watched her under moonlit skies As she hopped along towards my life Looking at me with her dark green eyes Singing a hymn as she smiled within Still she sang on Pure, sweet and strong Drawing me towards her home As my world faded to her own I travelled though that world Moving towards my hope Searching for her face Somewhere in that place There she sat alone Singing on her throne I settled at her side Waiting for my time [This message has been edited by RedStoneEB (06-09-2003 02:28 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Lee Hepworth - All Rights Reserved | |||
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raevynsbreath Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 64Mi, USA |
RedStone. it's a good poem, however, you made a mistake that makes it hard for the reader to fully understand. the way you start out: She whispers in the darkness Calling out towards my heart Laughing and dancing to my soul is good. it's in present tense. in the next line, however, you switch mid-line and write in the past tense from there on down. Singing her hymn as she came along the first stanza doesn't come together and therefore the whole poem doesn't flow. it's a minor issue, but one that you can fix easily. do this and the poem will be twice as great! i hope this helps. _rae [This message has been edited by raevynsbreath (06-08-2003 11:59 AM).] |
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RedStoneEB Senior Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 772uk |
im tired and if i havent corrected it right just tell me maybe you can help me form it into its right order if its not right *yawns* sorry i can't really see the screen that good but thanks for your topic reply means alot to me |
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raevynsbreath Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 64Mi, USA |
okay. i know what you did, but i didn't like the first stanza without the orginal "whispered" part. if it was just converted to the past tense, then everything would be great. sorry to be such a nitpick. change or not, it's still good. _rae |
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V. Tomir Junior Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 20 |
Mr. Stone Contrary to Mrs. Breath's comments, this is not a good poem. How to fix this work? I suggest you join Mrs. Breath in the library and engage in some overdue reading. Find examples of well written poems and study them. Then go back and rewrite this poem. Regards. |
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