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Sense of Soul
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Sense of Soul |
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ZetaCel Junior Member
since 2003-01-30
Posts 18 |
Oh purpose of life, giver of order, Permeate into my soul – Traverse the boundary of the ethereal, Bring your pure guidance of life – I seek unto you moral clarity, That my quest be satisfied – For I have crossed many a barrier now, Climbed many a dangerous paths – Traveled an enormous distance for you, To quench my yearn for meaning – Oh purpose of life, giver of order, Sustain your healing nature – Guide me unto my future destiny, So that I may follow through – I offer only my humble service, I have only what you see – Memories of a trek without seeing, A hollow shell to be filled – Oh purpose of life, giver of order, Please provide my sense of soul. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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Elie Junior Member
since 2003-02-04
Posts 14New York, USA |
As I read this I got in contact with my spiritual-self. It was wonderful  [This message has been edited by Elie (02-06-2003 12:04 AM).] |
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pjtalty Member
since 2002-07-17
Posts 111W.A., Australia |
The prayerful style and grave tone is pretty well perfect for the theme of this poem. I really can't think of any way to improve it. An interesting and entertaining read, well enough written to involve my interest in and hopes for the supplicator without making me feel like an intruder. To involve the reader in such a way should be the aim of all poets, irrespective of the theme. Patrick Talty [This message has been edited by pjtalty (02-09-2003 06:21 AM).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Having read your critique message Zeta I'm wondering if you're prepared for critiques  I say that kindly...'I want to be unique, just like everybody else' communicates to me that really you don't want your writing style threatened; that you might take any criticism to your work as threatening your individuality as a writer...With this in mind - and I could honestly be wrong - I'll be more gentle than usual. Firstly, I want to concentrate on what pjtalty has said to you - I don't agree with much. You know, it's always dangerous when a person tells you that your work needs no improvement, followed by a blanket statement like 'to involve the reader in such a way should be the aim of all poets, irrespective of the theme.' I don't think it's wise to speak on the behalf of all poets actually - particularly by claiming that there is 'such a way' that relates to each and every poet's writing. Myself for example...yes, I like to involve the reader in my own intent. However I'm almost happier when the reader interprets things into my writing that I didn't intend (as long as it isn't a complete misreading of the piece that shows little thought). Poets can learn from their readers. It is important to realise that poetry is much more than themed reader-involvement. It is art, shape, sound, motion, pattern, space - and much more. When I apply these things to your piece, I can see potential but you are not there yet. What I do see at the moment is a stumbling imitation of some of the great metaphysical poets - Donne, Johnson etc... I'd be curious to know if you've read them? I feel certain you must have read something in that vein...or else you feel that poetry needs solemn burdening in tone (having read your other piece as well). That's fine - if you want to be solemn, oppressive even. At the moment this is what I see - phrases that fail to connect in rhythm. These phrases are strung together in one long block...this piece definitely space, line-breaks etc to lighten the read. Your dashes at the end of every second line contrast with the blocked-in nature of the piece. The dashes look as if they're trying to establish a sense of pace, or space. Unfortunately, that doesn't come through. The repetition of 'oh purpose of life, giver of order' is a little weak and also looks like an organising tool, rather than lines that aid meaning. Words like 'unto' and 'oh' are ill-fitting - reminiscent of those metaphysical poets, that look thrown into the piece because they sound strong and grave. I'm not going to say anything right now about the actual lines themselves...as I said, I want to be gentle somewhat until I establish that you want a full critique.. take care  K |
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ZetaCel Junior Member
since 2003-01-30
Posts 18 |
Feel free to rip into it. I will change my critique message. Didn't like that one anyway.  No, I have not read any works from those poets. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Cool...I'll be back when I have some time - don't worry if I don't show up for a couple of days lol.. Kps - do you think you could get your hands on a couple of their poems in the next two days, before I come back? That'd be cool, so you know where I'm coming from...Ben Jonson (or Johnson, sorry can't rem at present), John Donne. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Heh...love that crit message... A warning - I'm going to do more than just critique your poem, I'm going to offer suggestions on how to write a poem. quote: First things first: links http://www.shunsley.eril.net/armoore/poetry/metaphys.htm - I strongly recommend you read the short section 'what is a metaphysical poem?' so you get what I'm rambling on about (Working on the assumption you don't already).http://eir.library.utoronto.ca/rpo/display/poet98.html - Donne http://eir.library.utoronto.ca/rpo/display/poet179.html - Jonson How I draw a metaphysical link to your poem is obvious - in the subject's search for meaning, a relationship between himself and the spiritual world. There are a couple of things I see instantly on reading your poems. One - you're writing outside of your knowledge. Two - you're writing outside of your era. I have some questions for you: Why are you writing in such an old-fashioned manner? Have you been taught that poetry = long, drawn out solemnity? Rhyme? Inversion? (Inversion means turning the grammatical structure of a sentence around. An example from your poem: 'That my quest be satisfied'). That 'real' poetry uses words like unto and thy? Now before I go any further I'd better recite my usual disclaimer: Although I don't write rhyming poetry, and I prefer to read contemporary and modern freeverse I do however recognise the value of rhyming and traditional forms of poetry. However - your poem is neither. It is a jumble of lines from a poet that I feel is writing to the expections he/she has of what poetry actually is. Second question - where are the linking threads in your poetry? Can you tell me how the giver of order is supposed to permeate your soul and traverse the ethereal at the same time? Are you saying that your soul is the boundary of the ethereal? How those lines read to me - pretentious. Disconnected. Lots of big words and solemnity that really mean nothing. Question - can you discern the difference between telling and showing? Can you think of a way to express this: 'For I have crossed many a barrier now, Climbed many a dangerous paths – Traveled an enormous distance for you' in such a way that you don't TELL me but SHOW me? As it is now your poem is comprised of one line statements that merely inform the reader of what the subject is doing/has done. The common link between them is not free-flowing images/ideas etc but sentences constructed in a haphazard pseudo-poetic form. You have covered a huge scope of an idea - the meaning of life, the sense of soul, in 20 lines without really saying anything at all. How can you remedy this? The piece needs expanding and paring down at the same time. But isn't that a contradiction? Maybe - here's what I mean. You need to select a few images and expand them, showing and not telling, creating shape for your poem. For example, you could select these 6 ideas: For I have crossed many a barrier now Climbed many a dangerous path Traveled an enormous distance for you Sustain your healing nature Memories of a trek without seeing A hollow shell to be filled If you read those lines to yourself - separately - you can see they are really quite unlinked, and unexplained, ideas. For I have crossed many a barrier now What barrier? How was it crossed? Climbed many a dangerous path What path? How was it climbed? How was it dangerous? Traveled an enormous distance for you How was it traveled? What does the you: mean, look like, feel like... What's the significance of the distance? Sustain your healing nature Why is its nature healing? What is its nature? How has it healed? Memories of a trek without seeing What memories? What was the trek like? Where was the trek - a dream? An out of body experience, a life experience? A mental/emotional journey? A hollow shell to be filled Why is the shell hollow? How does it feel to be filled? What is the end result of having the shell filled? For practice - I recommend taking one idea from each of the six parent ideas and writing three to four lines on each - linking them together to form a poem. Hell, if you don't like the ideas, create your own. Try to avoid words like unto. Try to create some simple images, with some simple words. If you enjoy writing in this style you have to start slow to succeed I think, which is why I have offered relatively simple actions to take. Before you can rush on in there and create impacting poems you first need to understand what you're doing. Writing poetry without that understanding is pretty much like getting on a bike without knowing how to walk first. To aid your growth I recommend you read some of those poems from the links. I also recommend you read some modern poems too - if you want suggestions of what to get and how to get them, ask me. I can see you're eager to write, and more - that you enjoy it. I could honestly go on more, but I feel that's quite enough for now. take care K[This message has been edited by Severn (02-13-2003 04:22 AM).] |
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ZetaCel Junior Member
since 2003-01-30
Posts 18 |
My rationing this poem is that I was 15 when I wrote it. I was definately over my level of knowledge. I have since then gone on to write short storie while I aquire more knowledge about writing poetry. I use poetry I already have to see what I need to focus on in writing good poetry. Thanks for all your help. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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