»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Singing Lobster
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Singing Lobster |
|
|
jeffwillett Member
since 2003-01-04
Posts 86Texas, US |
-Singing Lobster- What If I was a big red lobster? And I had big red claws to. Every time that you came near me, I would sing a song for you. That would make me a singing lobster. There's not too much more to say, But do you think you would run and hide, Or could you just be okay? What If I was a singing lobster? Do you think you'd be my friend? I would not want you to run away. I don't think my heart would mend. If I were just a singing lobster, I do not think I would see, I'm no more than an ocean dweller, What else can a lobster be? This is the first "light-hearted" peiced i've ever written. |
||
| © Copyright 2003 Jeff L Willett - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
hey Jeff...  I've been reading the discussions you've been having about forced rhyme...and unfortunately I think you've forced your rhyme a lot here... Now, I'm not sure if you fully understand what that is yet, so I'm going to clarify it. Simply put - shoving words in to rhyme with words that came before. Words that might not make any sense with the rest of the piece. Words that don't add anything to the poem. Words that look like they're there simply because they rhyme. Let's just take one for example: What If I was a singing lobster? Do you think you'd be my friend? I would not want you to run away. I don't think my heart would mend Friend and mend. I have to ask myself firstly - what is a line like 'I don't think my heart would mend' doing in a light hearted poem in the first place? Then I have to ask myself, what on earth does a singing lobster have to do with making a friend? Your images are conflicting, and don't really make any sense together... While I don't think your poem is successful as it is, I think it has potential if you rework the ideas. And as for the forced rhyme...keep trying, we'll let you know how's it working...  K |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
