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You Never Knew
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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You Never Knew |
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jeffwillett Member
since 2003-01-04
Posts 86Texas, US |
-You Never Knew- I sit around and think of you, Of all the things that we may do. I think of how you make me smile, How nice it'd be if you'd stay awhile. When I look into your eyes, All I see is vast blue skies. As you pass I smell your hair, I'm left behind without a care. Your voice is like a sirens call, I can not help myself at all. Nothing compares to my love, It makes me swear you're from above. I sit around and think of you, These are things you never knew. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Jeff L Willett - All Rights Reserved | |||
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sweetwater Member
since 2002-12-16
Posts 178Perth |
I liked this Jeff, it is a nice concept. I did feel line 4 interupted the flow.. too many syllables. And there's something in the sixth couplet that doesn't work for me. I can't quite place what it is, maybe it was the way I read it, perhaps someone else will figure it out. Loved the last couplet! |
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jeffwillett Member
since 2003-01-04
Posts 86Texas, US |
yeah, the sixth one kinda bugs me to, i think i fored that one a bit...thanks for the comments though, i'm not a big fan of 2 liners, i guess that's because i read the 4 lines as if they were 2...thanks again |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Yes Jeff, the longer lines really do look much better. And I think what bothers you about the 2 line stanzas is that they are just 2 line stanzas. Combine them. There is no reason for the blank lines between them. Use stanza breaks much like you would paragraph breaks in prose. The reason line 4 interrupted the flow is its meter. All the other lines are basically iambic, some with a dropped first syllable but we can discuss that later, it's a little more complicated. That line, however, has too many syllables, giving it much more of an anapestic feel. Myabe try rewording it something like this. How nice if you would stay awhile. Then read it to yourself. Hear the difference? There are two reasons the sixth one bugs you. Its first line again breaks the meter although not as bad as above. This changes it a little but fixes the meter problem. There is nothing like my love Compare the two, not for quaity or content but just listen to the flow or meter. Finally, the second line is a just terrible cliche and sounds terribly forced. "... makes me swear you're from above." You just can't get away with that. The idea is nice but start over again. You can find something better. To get you thinking, you might have to change the end rhyme even. Last, I too like the closing couplet. Nice touch. JMHO, Pete |
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jeffwillett Member
since 2003-01-04
Posts 86Texas, US |
man, you guys are great, i'm learning alot! thanks |
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