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Reflections
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Reflections |
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sweetwater Member
since 2002-12-16
Posts 178Perth |
She is a woman, she is a teacher. She is a lover, she is a creature. She is a sister, she is a daughter. She is a citzen, like she 'oughta. She can put on a smile, she can pick up a frown. She can work on composure or make like a clown. She can imitate pleasure and flirt like a pro, she can make it convincing, so no-one would know. She can analyse movies, she can dissect plays. She can recite poetry any time of day. She can draw a cartoon, she can picture in paint. She can work on a likeness without a complaint. She can ride a bike fearless and rollerblade bare. She can swim out to Rottnest to see out a dare. She can get through aerobics and punch up a bag, she can fend off intruders, tho' you won't hear her brag. She can sing with the birds, she can dance in a crowd. She can whisper a secret, she can think out aloud. She can question a theory, can add and subtract. She can be what she wants, but a 'mother' - not that. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Tash - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Okay, you've got a nice introduction. As I was reading, I didn't like it and that song, "I'm a sinner, I'm a saint yadayada" kept running through my head, but it works with the ending (the only danger is that people won't read the ending). Now, you've got to get into the why's of not that. If it's just, "I don't want to be a mother', that's not going to cut it, there's much more to this story as long as you rely on 'can/can't' relationships. |
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sweetwater Member
since 2002-12-16
Posts 178Perth |
Brad, thanks... originally this poem ran with 'I am" instead of 'she is' but I had the same problem of that song going through my head so I changed it. I wanted to focus to be on all these thigs she can do but she still cannot be something that comes so easily to others.. it's through no fault of her own.. but I guess that message is not too clear.. so should I add more lines to explain why she can't be a mother.. or should I write a more destinctive opening that sets the story.. what do you think? |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, both actually. By using the anaphoric model (beginning each line the same way), you're in good company but many don't realize what can be done with it (Whitman, Ginsberg, Geoffrey Clark are classic examples). Thematically, you've put yourself into the feminist poetry genre (as is that song). Or look at the song 'Sex' by Berlin -- though that may be a bit old these days -- and the difference between a feminine multiple identity and the masculine chant, "I'm a man, I'm a man"). The trick is to stay in these lines and write something different. The danger is that you'll lose the punch line, but if the rest is interesting, maybe it won't be necessary. I know that's vague, but who said poetry was easy?  |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Hi Tash, Enjoyed the read. First stanza I liked it, the rhyme works well. However in the following stanzas it doesn’t work as well. The rhyme seems forced, where as the first stanza feels natural. The trick with rhyming is, in my opinion, to not to shoehorn a sentence to suit a rhyme. It doesn’t matter how simple the rhyme is, “frown, clown” can work well as rhymes. It is the way in which you incorporate the rhyme into the preceding lines. Now I feel the biggest problem with the poem is that you are not telling us the real story of the poem, This list of traits gives us some insight into this woman’s character, but the reader’s interest is in the last line, “She can be what she wants, but a 'mother' - not that”. You could easily cut out two verses, because the reader is immediately drawn to the last line though is left clueless as to WHY “She can be what she wants, but a 'mother' - not that”. The whole poem hinges on this line, yet its connection to the rest of the poem is not really explained, I believe you need to give the reader a clearer insight into why “She can be what she wants, but a 'mother'” watched from the wings as the scenes were replayed we saw ourselves now as we never have seen" ian curtis |
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abba56 New Member
since 2002-12-29
Posts 5Mn |
"Anaphoric Model"....Thanks Brad...I learned a new word today...LOL I see the repetition in this as the main sticking point. That can be very difficult to work with as you run the risk of making the poem too "singy songy" to hold the readers attention. I also thought the ending needs some work. It just seemed too abrupt. If I might humbly suggest??? Try changing the repetition just a little and add in a couple of stanzas explaining why she cannot be a mother. I.E.: The first stanza start with "She is" Second stanza start with "She can" Third stanza start with "she cannot". Then repeat that sequence until you get the whole story out. Just an Idea to toss around....hope it might give you some ideas. I think this has the making of something really good. |
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sweetwater Member
since 2002-12-16
Posts 178Perth |
Thanks all, everything you say makes sense.. I was not looking at the poem from the readers point of view (naughty me!). your ideas and suggestions have sparked me off into reworking this with the new ideas, I will repost the next draft when it is done, again, thankyou for the prac. crits. I appreciate that you are willing to help me become a better writer. |
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