»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
To you there
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
To you there |
|
|
Tansen Junior Member
since 2002-12-14
Posts 11 |
Everyone makes dumb decisions I've made one too. I decided to come here when I could have been with you. Look at me, it’s nine and what do I do? I’m at work on my comp I’m nearly stuck to it with glue. Career looked so great to me and money in the bargain. Now, I'm talking to my machine telling it my pain. I see the outside mostly when it's asleep because all of the waking hours I spend in my office seat. I keep remembering How happy It was to be with you Even though in five minutes I always loose my cool I guess, I'm trying to tell you I miss you so. You are the conjunction that makes my life mean more. |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Tansen - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Rainbowdust Member
since 2002-12-05
Posts 320Sydney, Australia |
Hi Tansen, I know what you mean about this site being a heaven send, and thanks for your reply to my previous poem here.  Now, I hope you don't think I'm being too harsh here, but I think your poem could be a lot more powerful if it didn't rhyme. You do have lots of talent for originality ("You are the conjunction that makes my life mean more."), so cash in on that. Also, I don't think you even need some of the stanzas, and can rework a few with a bit more imagery... This is just one opinion mind, but I hope this helps... The soul would have no rainbows, had the eyes no tears. |
||
|
Tansen Junior Member
since 2002-12-14
Posts 11 |
dear rainbowdust, Your opinion is welcome. i get you about the rhyme. let me try and rework on that. I wrote this about a month back and have felt that it needs to sound different but could not really get to it. let me try and rewrite a few of the stanzas and then post it again. thanks a lot, tansen |
||
|
Tansen Junior Member
since 2002-12-14
Posts 11 |
dear rainbowdust Check this out, how does this sound?? any difference or still the same. I like the rhyme so am loath to remove it. But if i still did not get what you said, could you give me more clear pointers??? Hope I am not being too imposive Thanks in advance, Tansen To you there Everyone makes dumb decisions I've made one too. I decided to come here when I could have been with you. Look at me, it’s nine I’m at work. Nothing else to do. Back home I’d be chatting you up Over the smell of hot brew Career looked so great to me and money in the bargain. Now, I'm talking to my machine telling it my pain. I keep remembering How happy I was to be with you Even though in five minutes Around you, I loose my cool I guess, I'm trying to tell you I miss you so. You are the conjunction that makes my life mean more. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
