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forgetting
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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forgetting |
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arthur Senior Member
since 2001-08-14
Posts 678england |
I am the master of forgetting. Old hopes,dreams and their begettings. Gone,yesterdays storm of sorrows. Unseen ,unknown the bright tomorrows. Failures strident call dismissed. Hope dances in a distant mist. arthur |
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| © Copyright 2002 michael bennett - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ShadowRider Senior Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 1038USA |
The punctuation of this could be improved. Remember that in short poems (9 or so lines or less) that EVERY punctuation mark, every improper inversion of words, stands out like a sore thumb. One never wants to be perceived as careless when writing such brief pieces. It takes away from the message and its impact. I am my own worse editor, it seems, and have my partner look over each poem for obvious ambiguities and errors. Invariably, she sees them with ease, while I toil to find them. *smiling Try this, Arthur: I am the master of forgetting: >>old hopes, dreams, and their begettings Gone: yesterday’s storm of sorrows >>Unseen, unknown are bright tomorrow’s Failure’s stridant call dismissed >>as Hope dances in a distant mist. (the >> are indention marks that I think the poem could benefit from) ‘Begettings’ is not a word, although in poetic form, I think it can be excused since you are referring to a plural form of ‘beginnings’. Notice: I hardly had to change any of the wording of your poem since you carefully crafted each one to begin with. Most poets initially struggle with cohesiveness, and flow is perhaps the most difficult to master. You seem to have a natural grasp of that! Good luck, JkF [This message has been edited by ShadowRider (11-30-2002 05:26 PM).] |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Arthur, may I echo ShadowRider here? I too feel only the punctuation needs improving. And as you know from my work I am a little more than smitten with the ...... and ~. Although indenting could and would work just as well. Most certainly is good to see you back in the blue pages m'friend. ~Hugs, Nancy~ ~ Life is too short not to believe in Santa Claus ~ |
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D edgar Grey Member
since 2002-08-21
Posts 174Hell...(aka Wisconsin) |
Cannot help but concur with the others...punctuation/spelling/grammar are incredibly important while writing. BUT...I will say that I enjoyed this piece, and I can't wait to read what else you have written. Zai jian Carson If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer." (If only...>; P) |
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arthur Senior Member
since 2001-08-14
Posts 678england |
thankyou all for your comments in truth my spelling and grammer are pretty poor I used beggettings in the sence of to begat(?spelling) as found in the bible The hopes and dreams begat(gave birth ) to actualities best forgot could not decide if strident or siren call was best again my thanks arthur |
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Smoothy Member
since 2002-12-02
Posts 119The dark side of the moon |
I really enjoyed this piece because I could relate to it in my own way. I usually forget a lot of things, both big and small. However, the past cannot be forgotten, only dropped out of the loop. |
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