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my sacrifice
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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my sacrifice |
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brianm Junior Member
since 2002-11-22
Posts 16Colorado |
she must die. i must deliver her to the lord. she belongs to him and i have selfishly claimed her as my own. i must return what i have stolen. if i give it back, there is still a chance that it might be given to me in the end. Father forgive me. she is and will forever be yours. in my heart, i have slain her, but it is my heart that has stopped beating. it is my heart that is broken. resurect me Lord, as only you can. fill the void in my heart where she lived with your presence. Father, i love you so much. please, help me. please, hold me. dry the tears that have spilt on my soul. 11-20-02 [This message has been edited by brianm (11-22-2002 11:16 AM).] |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
My first reaction here is "...uhm..." This, I think, means there is some potential. Right now, however, this needs work. First of all, try line breaks... I don't think they are always necessary, but I feel that in a conceptual poem like this, it's best to break up ideas, highlight certain things. Look at the difference this can make (keeping in mind that this is how I see the poem- obviously you'd have to use breaks the way you felt they would work best: 'she must die. i must deliver her to the lord. she belongs to him and i have selfishly claimed her as my own.' Now, regarding the actual content- the section I pasted above, I think, is conceptually pretty interesting, but I feel like I need more to hang on to. This, I feel, is a poem that would benefit greatly from some elaboration, or the integration of some poetic devices. Like, for example, when you said 'deliver her to the lord' do you mean deliver her like a physical thing? Or deliver, as in living up to your word on something... Do you physically deliver her to God (i.e., is heaven something tangible) or does killing her symbolize her deliverance to god? I think that some of these questions are best left open-ended, but the fun in poems like this is dropping hints for the reader to mull over. I instantly thought of the movie 'Frailty.' 'i must return what i have stolen. if i give it back, there is still a chance that it might be given to me in the end.' This is getting a little convoluted, but I suspect that that could be easily remedied by expanding this. Don't be afraid to write a long poem- just be sure to have interesting elements that keep a reader hooked. 'Father forgive me. she is and will forever be yours.' To me, this seems like the speaker is obviously conflicted, instantly criticizing what he said in the previous line. In my opinion, this can be dangerous territory, because you keep introducing new elements without paying proper attention to the last one. It's kind of like the poem becomes a run-on sentence, or like it's an essay where there aren't paragraph breaks where there should be. Poetry isn't exempt from organization, and people naturally get confused when you lump a lot of loaded, broad ideas into a few lines like this. 'in my heart, i have slain her, but it is my heart that has stopped beating. it is my heart that is broken.' This, I think, necessarily ties into the questions I was asking about the first few lines in your poem. You're dropping hints about the speaker, and this leads me to think that this poem needs to be taken more conceptually than litterally. Unfortunately, your broken heart is meaningless to me. You aren't latching on to what I feel- you're using a cliche, which leads to people thinking less about things, rather than thinking more. Say something that makes me want to think. 'resurect me Lord, as only you can. fill the void in my heart where she lived with your presence. Father, i love you so much. please, help me. please, hold me. dry the tears that have spilt on my soul.' I think the broken heart idea is a good place to end this poem conceptually. All this, I think is kind of a poetic overflow- something that I used to do all the time when I started writing. You have to accept that you can't put everything into one poem... focus this down some more... I think the actualy killing of 'her' (BTW, who is 'she'? A girlfriend? A teacher? A parent? A daughter? A stranger?) and the nature of her delivery would be good points to focus in on... and if you still want to hit other points, maybe you could make them more peripheral, or else write more poems? There's nothing wrong with writing poems that naturally interract with each other... anyway, I thought this was interesting, hope I've helped. |
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brianm Junior Member
since 2002-11-22
Posts 16Colorado |
I will rewrite it based on your comments, although it might take me a little bit of time to do so. What I posted was the raw words that just fell onto the paper. It is really more of a psalm than a poem, hence the ending. For your benefit, I will give you the commentary that I wrote about the poem immediately following the poem itself. Maybe it will help you to understand the poems perspective. “today I am fasting. I am fasting to worship the Lord, and to bring my life into his light. My prayer was to shed light on the relationship between myself and his daughter. I asked him to tell me what he wanted, and he was silent. I asked him what was to be, and he spoke to me through a song (I left the ring down by the waterside – by waterdeep). I have no doubt that the love Rebekkah and I share is a love given from God, but our destination may not be eternity. It is the journey that is the gift.” |
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brianm Junior Member
since 2002-11-22
Posts 16Colorado |
the love must die i must deliver it to the lord what was innocent was embellished the abundance of my love is damning to her walk it is damning to my own she belongs to him and i have selfishly claimed her as my own i must return what i have stolen if i give it back there is still a chance… a chance that it might be given to me in the end forgive me she is and will forever be yours humble me in my heart, i have slain her but it is my heart that is failing the void in my chest is to expansive for me to bear resurrect me Lord, as only you can replace the absence with your presence Father, i love you hold me to your breast, and dry the tears that have spilt on my soul thanks for the input... i think this revision may be closer to where it needs to be. please continue with your suggestions. |
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Epicrean Junior Member
since 2002-11-17
Posts 16 |
you did a good job breaking it up, which makes it more attractive and easier to read... However you still have a couple of lines which could be broken up more! The Poem comes across kinda dark and the meaning seems obscured some where in the gloomy text. I hope my interperatation was off key cause it would make your work 4 times darker... Epic |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I definitely think this is clearer. Maybe now I can give some more technical suggestions. 'the love must die i must deliver it to the lord' First line much clearer. With the second line, would you cinsider omitting 'must'? Two lines in a row like that is pretty repetitive, plus I think it makes the statement much stronger, much more active, if you actually say 'i deliver it to the lord' 'what was innocent was embellished' Same thing here. Change the second 'was' into an 'is.' not only does this strengthen the statement, but it consolidates it with the rest of the poem, which is in present tense. 'the abundance of my love is damning to her walk it is damning to my own' By walk, do you mean life? By my own, do you mean your own walk (life), or do you mean it in the sense of 'my own [loved ones]'? This set of lines is ambiguous in the right way, I think. You give the reader room for interpretation. 'she belongs to him and i have selfishly claimed her as my own i must return what i have stolen' I like the conceptual use here of stolen- I mean, after all, it's not like you physically stole her from God... 'if i give it back there is still a chance… a chance that it might be given to me in the end' I would personally format this section differently, but I tend to use line breaks rather than ellipses to indicate a pause, so take this with a grain of salt. Not trying to make your style into mine or anything  :'if i give it back there is still a chance a chance that it might be given to me in the end' Another option is to completely omit one of the 'a chance's and the ellipses: 'if i give it back there is still a chance that it might be given to me in the end' or 'if i give it back there is still a chance that it might be given to me in the end' 'forgive me she is and will forever be yours humble me' Here, you change who you are addressing. I think that's fine, but I would use italics or something to indicate to the reader that this stanza is different from the others in order to avoid confusion. 'in my heart, i have slain her but it is my heart that is failing the void in my chest is to expansive for me to bear' Here, I'm wondering if you're talking to me, that is, the reader, or if you're still addressing God. Once again, using some indication of who you are talking to, a subtle change in font, like italics, will clear this right up. 'resurrect me Lord, as only you can replace the absence with your presence Father, i love you hold me to your breast, and dry the tears that have spilt on my soul' Once again, use italics or something here. Replace 'spilt' with 'spilled.' As this develops further, it reminds me more and more a 'Frailty.' Conceptually challenging (to me) because I not only ask myself certain things about the message... but how and why it sits uncmfortably with me. Also in the same vein as 'Frailty,' and I don't mean this as an insult, your poem is rough hewn, without English standards of punctuation, capitalization; without poetic devices such as rhyme, alliteration, metaphor, allusions, and so forth. It manages to strike me without using any of the literary finesse that, at times, I wanted to advise you to use, and realized that it's simply wrong for this poem. The starkness suits this very well, and aside from my few points, I wouldn't really suggest much change to it. |
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brianm Junior Member
since 2002-11-22
Posts 16Colorado |
the love must die i must deliver it to the lord what was innocent was embellished the abundance of my love is damning to her walk it is damning to my own she belongs to him and i have selfishly claimed her as my own i must return what i have stolen if i give it back there is still a chance a chance that it might be given to me in the end forgive me she is and will forever be yours humble me in my heart, i have slain her but it is my heart that is failing the void in my chest is to expansive for me to bear resurrect me Lord, as only you can replace the absence with your presence Father, i love you hold me to your breast, and dry the tears that have spilled on my soul the love must die i must deliver it to the lord I cannot see changing this. It really holds two separate actions. The love in my heart for her must be 'put into check'. The poem is about my relationship with a young woman that I work with at church. I love her very much. In the bible, it says that you should hate everything IN COMPARISON to your love for God. That is not to say that you should hate the world and your loved ones, but that you should love God that much more. These two lines spell that out for me. One, my love for God must be greater, even at the cost of losing my love for her. And two, I MUST bring my dilemma before God. I know that they sound similar, but they really are unique enough from one another that I feel they should remain separate. what was innocent was embellished This was in the past. When I wrote this poem, we had already committed to each other that we would no longer entice one another by kissing, or by acting as a 'couple'. The poem was just reinforcement for me. We are still perusing a relationship, we just took a step backward because we both felt that we were rushing things. the abundance of my love is damning to her walk it is damning to my own You are very close on this one. A Christians walk is his or her life and relationship with Christ. Where you are in your walk is dependant on your intimacy with Christ Jesus. Our love for one another was interfering with our relationship with Christ. she belongs to him and i have selfishly claimed her as my own i must return what i have stolen Thanks, it really felt like I had claimed her for my own, when truly, she never belonged to me. if i give it back there is still a chance a chance that it might be given to me in the end forgive me she is and will forever be yours humble me I am not sure about that. I feel that it is clear enough. I like to give the readers a little credit. I might be way off base thinking that, but then I have no real literary 'training'. I write code for a living, not poetry.  in my heart, i have slain her but it is my heart that is failing the void in my chest is to expansive for me to bear Through the entire poem, I am only addressing two 'people'; myself, and God. resurrect me Lord, as only you can replace the absence with your presence Father, i love you hold me to your breast, and dry the tears that have spilled on my soul I have never seen the movie that you are referring to. I stumbled across it in blockbuster, and I was shocked to see that it was about a serial killer. The poem is really about true love. I have never loved anyone as much as I love her. My love for her was so consuming that I felt it was overpowering my love for God. The poem is about my struggle with sin. I have since won that struggle, and things are much better now. The struggle was learning to love God more than her. My love for her grew out of control. It is so difficult to explain. The feelings I have for her just want to explode form my chest. Nothing has happened between us that would be considered sinful, but in my heart, I was holding her up like an idol. That was my sin. I certainly do not want to stop loving her, nor do I want her to 'die'. She is the most beautiful, most intelligent, and most passionate woman that I have ever known. The night I wrote this, I had been in prayer for some time. I felt in my heart that God wanted me to 'give her up to him' as a sacrifice. That is, that in my heart, I must be willing to let go of the most precious thing in my life. He did not ask me to let her go in life, he only asked that I let her go in my heart. It hurt so bad. I gave her up right then and there. I cried, and I felt as if a part of me had died. I felt empty and wasted. God used that to make me stronger, and to lead me closer to Him then I have ever been. We are still pursuing a relationship, and things are better now then they ever were. Most importantly, my love for God is back where it should be, at the top. I hope that sheds light on what I am trying to say. Please, if you have any questions, let me know. Thanks for all of the feedback. I am really enjoying learning more about poetry. Brian [This message has been edited by brianm (11-25-2002 01:02 PM).] |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
By saying this reminded me of 'Frailty,' I don't mean it made me think you were a serial killer who actually wanted to kill her. Firstly, I think there are strong stylistic similarities. Secondly, the movie isn't simply a serial killer movie- the central conflict is that Bill Paxton's character (a father) believes that it is God's will for him to kill these people that God tells him are demons. One of his sons believes him, the other doesn't. It's more about faith, and whether he was acting on faith or insanity, than being about serial murder. It's interesting. What draws me in about your poem is that, first of all, I can do some of my own interpreting about what you are talking about. Second of all, my interpretations make me uneasy because I don't agree with your assertions. More on that in a minute. What really impresses me about this poem (and puts me off about most 'god' poems) is that you write about a very strong conviction and commitment to your faith, but you're not being preachy or pushy, and what's more, you're presenting something very interesting to me. What's impressive about that is that I consider myself agnostic. Not having any firm belief in God, I have marked difficulty being moved by poems about the grace of God, and what it feels like to believe. On not agreeing with your assertions, it puts me off that loving God is that much more important than loving those in your life. I'm not trying to put down your ideas or beliefs, I'm just saying that I respectfully disagree with them- and that's part of why this pulled me in so well. You wrote a poem I could respectfully disagree with, rather than getting annoyed or put off by Jerry Falwell-esque fundamentalist cover-statements concerning society as a whole, criticizing things that I consider basic human rights and dignities. No, you presented your ideas on a topic without saying anything that might infringe on my ideas, and I really respect your ability to do that. |
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brianm Junior Member
since 2002-11-22
Posts 16Colorado |
Hush, Thank you for all of your input, and thanks for sharing with me your feelings about it. I really do apriciate it. I know what you mean about poeple being 'preachy'. I don't really think that that is how to live. In my faith, I lead others to Christ by living my life as an example to what a true Christian is, not by preaching hell and damnation. The concept of Loving God more than anyone or anything is a tough pill to swallow, but in the end, it makes for a richer relationship. The results of loving Him more, helps me to love others more deeply. As far as the movie, I will have to watch it. It sounds interesting. I was just wasting time, and I stopped into Blockbuster. That is where I 'saw' the movie. I just skimmed the text on the back. I wasn't offended, I was just suprised. Anyway, thanks again. You were very helpful. |
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ShadowRider Senior Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 1038USA |
darn....and i liked this poem, for the most part, Brian. The line breaks were definitely an improvement, but i liked the originality you showed with the 'prose poem', too. It seems to have more impact spread out, though, in its refined form that you rewrote. I guess i have a problem of 'believability' here. Someone who turns an Abrahamic sacrifice into a pleading prayer does not seem to be one of a modern faith unless they are extremely sick. If this is case, you isolate the readers into those who are sane (who can't identify with the impact of the poem) and those who live on the verge of sanity (who, hopefully never transcend over into the realm of murder.) In these ways, the poem comes off as a bit over-the-top. One more important concept, and i will hang my critiquing head in shame (cause i do it, too!) is: you change the intended 'voice' from one of talking about her, to a prayer TO God. The writer writes of God as 'Him', then changes in midstream to addressing God as 'You', like it is a prayer. Keeping the voice consistent is a key in any poem. [This message has been edited by ShadowRider (11-29-2002 12:53 AM).] |
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