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Being Free ( Any Problems? )
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Being Free ( Any Problems? ) |
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Connel
since 2002-11-04
Posts 736Florida, USA |
I live in this cage, I eat and drink. I'm trapped in this prison, no way to escape. I sit here waiting, for a chance to get away. But no one ever, leaves me the chance But one day, the door swung open. And a young boy screamed, "Go on! Be free!" So I ran, as fast as I could. I flapped my wings, and began to fly. I flew high, high and free. Looking down, down at the ground. I seen the boy, smiling. And to this day, I still fly free. Can you guys tell me any mistakes? or need things? I wish to become a great poet some day, but it will only come in time. Til then, I shall write my poems, and wait. |
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Connel
since 2002-11-04
Posts 736Florida, USA |
Anyone gonna reply? sorry for duoble posting.. I wish to become a great poet some day, but it will only come in time. Til then, I shall write my poems, and wait. |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Hi! Sorry about the delay. First, I consider your poem an extended metaphor representing any condition which binds human freedom and which is finally overcome by the one so restricted. The restriction might be educational, psychological, emotional, or a combination of these. The liberator might be a revelation, a love found, some attitude we acquire which transforms our lives, finding of faith in God, or any other liberating influence. But your choice of a boy has to be significant for the reader since you could have just as easily chosen a girl, woman, man, or even a dog or a mythical animal to serve as the liberator. The boy must figure prominently in any specific interpretation of the poem's meaning. Let's just correct the punctuation first. Let's get rid of the unnecessary commas and add the necessary periods. Corrections are in brackets. I live in this cage[.] I eat and drink. I'm trapped in this prison[] no way to escape. I sit here waiting[] for a chance to get away. But no one ever, leaves me the chance But one day, the door swung open. And a young boy screamed, "Go on! Be free!" So I ran[] as fast as I could. I flapped my wings[] and began to fly. I flew high, high and free. Looking down, down at the ground. I [saw a] boy, smiling. And to this day[] I still fly free. OK [Since every word in a poem must be necessary we need to trim whatever is not.] I live in this cage [with] no way to escape. First, notice please that you use the present tense "live" in the introduction. That means that the reader will expect the scene to continue in that tense or time frame. Since readers will assumed that anyone living in a cage is trapped then there is no need to say so. The same applies to eating and drinking. So I would delete all these explanations.] I sit [] waiting[] for a chance to get away. But no one ever, [gives] me the chance[.] But one day[] the door swung open[] And a young boy screamed, "Go on! Be free!" [Here you shift to the past tense by using "swung" and follow it with "ran." So you must either begin in the past tense from the introduction. Or else use the present tense.] So I ran[] as fast as I could. I flapped my wings[] and began to fly. [Here suddenly after running with the purpose of gaining takeoff velocity, you have wings. This came as a surprise. I as a reader did not visualize you in any birdlike way. Perhaps because there are other animals which are also kept in cages. In fact, some Vietnam prisoners were kept n cages as punishment. So the reader could have imagined you as a prisoner of war. So you must somehow prepare the reader for the wings and flying imagery.] I flew high, high and free. Looking down, down at the ground. I [saw the] boy[] smiling. And to this day[] I still fly free. BTW I would also caution you against the use of symbols previously used. Such symbols tend to lose their force as they are repeatedly employed. The symbol of "heart" as emotion, for example, or "soul" or eyes as windows to the soul. Or lips being sweet as honey. Being as strong as an ox. All these are overused and are not looked upon with favor by modern poets because of it. Some editors see the word "heart" and "love" together and send the poem to the reject bin without reading it because they expect more clichés to follow. So as one very skilled critic on this forum once said, we as modern poets are at a certain disadvantage because all these symbols have already been used and we must seek new ones. BTW Be careful with periods. If placed too close together they inhibit the flow of the read. I went home. I took a bath. I went to sleep. See what I mean? Compare with: I went home, took a bath and went to sleep. [This message has been edited by Radrook (11-05-2002 06:55 AM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Good advice. Pete |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Yeah, Radrook gave you some really good advice. I would definitely give this more depth. The words you choose, and their structure, remind me a bit of a children's book. Very short words, short sentences, simple story- very general, not focusing in on much in particular. Radrook said: 'First, I consider your poem an extended metaphor representing any condition which binds human freedom and which is finally overcome by the one so restricted. The restriction might be educational, psychological, emotional, or a combination of these. The liberator might be a revelation, a love found, some attitude we acquire which transforms our lives, finding of faith in God, or any other liberating influence.' To me, this is what you should really focus on. Zero your poem in on the ideas he touches on- make it something concrete, something specific. Why are you in a cage? What is the nature of this cage? How does it bind you? Why a little boy? Where are you flying to? Specifics give your poem depth and dimension, which generally makes your readers more interested. Hope I've helped. |
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Connel
since 2002-11-04
Posts 736Florida, USA |
Hush, To me, this is what you should really focus on. Zero your poem in on the ideas he touches on- make it something concrete, something specific. Why are you in a cage? What is the nature of this cage? How does it bind you? Why a little boy? Where are you flying to? Specifics give your poem depth and dimension, which generally makes your readers more interested. Where you said that i should be more specific, is not true... If you get to specific it makes the reader bored, something short, but informitive is good... But you dont want to make something long, and boring... It also depends on the person. But MOST people like something short, but informitive.. To ME something long is boring.. But everyone is different. I wish to become a great poet some day, but it will only come in time. Til then, I shall write my poems, and wait. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
This: quote: And this: quote: is a contradiction. If it depends on the person, it is neither true nor untrue in any general sense. quote: And that's why people are still reading "The Wheel of Time?" quote: Fair enough, but Hush (who I completely agree with here) didn't say make it long, she said make it more specific. I think her children's literature assessment is correct -- where are the pictures?  In the above comment, you said you should be informative and I agree that's important, but the more general you make something, the less informative it becomes. Something easy to read, something general to read, is easily forgotten and trivial for at least two reasons:1. It tells you something you already know. 2. You can read it quickly. quote: Long and boring are not synonymous and neither are short and good. Actually, in a very real sense, poetry is about forcing the reader to take time with words, to slow down reading speed, to force an effort. If that effort isn't rewarded, there is only disappointment. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
No, general and abstract are boring. Brad pretty much wrote the response i was going to- making something specific doesn't make it long- take about 20 minutes and check out some of Emily Dickinson's poetry. Many of her poems are 4-8 liners- and they rarely exceed a page. They are tight, concise, and best of all, interesting because she makes them different from the hordes of other poems. I usually gravitate towards short poems too. But when somebody writes soemthing long that catches my attention, I don't stop halfway through, saying "You know, I'm really enjoying this, but I'm not going to finish because it's far too long." The key isn't the length- the key is using the write amount of words to capture something in a unique way, shedding light on something previously unseen, or maybe just changing the angle of that light. Had I posted the first response to this, I probably wouldn;t ahve highlighted the metaphorical possibilities that Radrook did, because to me, it's so obvious it's unspoken. To me, it's so general that I can sum it up like this: "The bird is actually a person who has been freed from some unknown prision or restriction in his life by a little boy." But the poem means more to me if you give these things closer parameters. That doesn't mean doubling every four-line section- that means taking key ideas and expanding them- this can be done in one line, a few words strategically placed. I would focus on reading more poetry to get some ideas. Plagiarist.com is a cool site- you can click a 'random poem' button, or choose specific poets or poems. Hope I've clarified. |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Suddenly I feel I need to explain the reason why I inititally delved into a more extensive meaning for the poem's imagery. I agree with all the advice you have received from other members. As hush says, your subject is certainly easily discernible. Someone is in a prison and needs liberation. Another person does the liberating. OK Understood clearly due to being obvious. But Robert Frost's "Passing by the Woods on a Winter's Day" is also immediately obvious. It is about a man who stops by a dark wooded area on a winter's day. But did that prevent the critics from delving below the poem's surface for some deeper meaning? Some general applicability or universalization of the poem as relevant or symbolically referring to our mortality and our trip through life. True, Frost denied that his poem was meant as an extended metaphor. But such images as, night, trip, darkness, distances, if viewed from a Jungian psychological critical viewpoint indicated a much deeper meaning than Frost himself was obviously AWARE of. The archetypal psychological Jungian approach to literary criticism, which assumes a common ancestral collective memory and symbology as part of the human psyche, demands that we take such symbols seriously as indicator's of a poem's deeper collective meaning. Which is why I went beyond the obvious and focused on the obvious as perceived in that particular critical light. Additionally, I do not know if you as writer are aware of the possibility of deeper meanings of the kind I mentioned. So mentioning it is simply an effort to possibly expand a poet's horizons in terms of metaphorical usage and its general applicability. It is also a MY WAY of saying something positive about the poet's work which serves to assure the author that his work does have a certain intrinsic value. This encourages further efforts to excel. [This message has been edited by Radrook (11-07-2002 05:03 PM).] |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Connel, I agree with much of what the others have said. I like your usage of the subject, and the simple and clear conveyance. The only pinch I give at this though is I think you could insinew the flow a bit, perhaps by minorating (if this is a word) "I" and having each stanza a full sentence...with syllables coordinating in which ever way you please. Here is a suggestion, for the first stance: I live in this cage and eat and drink- inside this prison, with no escape I really think you work well with the subject, and the flow would carry it even more thoroughly. Just my humble deem. take care, Essorant. [This message has been edited by Essorant (11-07-2002 11:15 PM).] |
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Opeth Senior Member
since 2001-12-13
Posts 1543The Ravines |
That you disagreed with Hush, even though she took the time out of her day to critique your poem, giving you a chance to better your writing skills, leaves me to refrain from critiquing this poem. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Now, Opeth, I disagree with you. I disagree with people who critique my poems sometimes. If it's an important enough disagreement, I do not hesitate to argue. In this thread, I stated an opinion. Connel stated his contrary opinion, and I reinforced mine. This, I think, is really conducive to learning, on both sides. I'm also really glad that people who aren't regulars in this forum don't hesistate to stick up for what they believe about the value in their poetry. That's what seperates this critique forum from say, the PFFA where a newby who defends their own poetry gets trampled and dismissed. Connel, I truly hope all these disagreements haven't scared you off or anything- I think it's great when a poem generates this much interactivity from different members. I hope you stick around, maybe post a re-write of this. |
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Connel
since 2002-11-04
Posts 736Florida, USA |
Thank you all for the help you have given me.,... It has helped me a great deal.. Thanks again. I wish to become a great poet some day, but it will only come in time. Til then, I shall write my poems, and wait. |
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