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The Rhymewright's Reason (A rhyme)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Rhymewright's Reason (A rhyme) |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
The Rhymewright's Reason The rhymewright's reason is to please art's ear with most disert dainties as complements on each line's end so it can sound more sweetly send; And kiss with cheer the hearkening heart with a timeless echoing that lover in her maze may sing or shepherd in his ways might fling or to perhaps make some day grave in bright verse more lightly behave a discord discard from the scene to replace with merriments sheen As thoughts depthen, rhymes keep afloat a tenderness to pensive note a sweetness in the deep throat of the thinking, singing poet Thus charming gives to mind a loose and pinching critics will seduce for none can rhyme's beauty dismiss that kisses and deserves a kiss [This message has been edited by Essorant (11-05-2002 09:39 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Essorant, Good to see you back again. I don't expect this effort to produce as much activity as your last work but I would like to discuss it a little  I think you have a good outline and subject for starters. I know it has been done many times before but I like you approach. There are a few things which IMHO could be improved. You are using mostly rhyming couplets in four foot (I can't remember the word here  someone help) iambic. There are some pretty severe speed bumps, however, for example: "art's ear with most disert dainties" You simply can't stress the last syllable of daities without sounding foolish. Also, please/dainties is not an acceptable rhyme. And I can't find disert in the dictionary. Did you possible mean dissert? If so, I believe it is only used as a verb, which does not fit in this context. Next, "And kiss with cheer the hearkening heart with a timeless echoing" is off. You can't stress with and leave the much more important heart unstressed. Thus you end up with something that scans more like this. HEART with a / TIME-less / ECH-o-ing Some rearrangement and rewording could easily make it work. Also, hearkening/echoing is not a rhyme, at least not a very good one. Well, actually, it really doesn't rhyme at all. Then, "in bright verse more lightly behave" and "to replace with merriments sheen As thoughts depthen, rhymes keep afloat" break the meter. Also, merriments sheen is a word inversion that appears to be only there to make the rhyme work. It would be better to find a workariound for that. And I'm not sure depthen is a valid word. deepen might be better. Then the closing lines of the first stanza, "a tenderness to pensive note a sweetness in the deep throat of the thinking, singing poet" Notice how the middle line feels wrong. The last line is missing the initial, unstressed syllable but I think you can get by with it there. It even tends to emplasize that last line. But, you can't make poet rhyume with throat, sorry. Finally I like the closing stanza although the next to last line again breaks the meter and needs repair. The grammar may need a little work but it doesn't really bother me all that much. Some may call the last line a cliche but I love it and will argue strongly against changing it. Well, there you have my opinionated opinions. Thanks, Pete |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Just a minute, Iambic? Who is Iambic and why would I use her/his meter, when I have my own Essorant is very opened minded, and ticklish too  Disert-- this is an obsolete adjective that means learnedly eloquent. There are myriads of words that our modern dictionary has discarded simply to give room for more scientific, academic, and business like ones, and long, complex ones. Playful, poetic, inkhorn, formal antique ones, and more concise equivalants of some of the current ones such as "incorpse" instead of "incorporate" "transportance," instead of "transportation" "irised" instead of "irredescent" "deem"(a noun) instead of opinion/judgement. Plus abstractitus has made meanings obsolete. Look at the obsolete definitions for "discuss" and "decide" at dictionary.com--the obsolete meanings are closer to the root meanings and our modern one is far deviated and abstract. Why can't we use both? It is unfortunate, for this hides a mickle part of the spectrum of our language that deserves to be seen still. Don't you agree? But you bring it up to me and I wonder, would "regal" or "refined" dainties" sound better? You are right about throat! I mispronounce it all the time--with two syllables not very noticably though. Now I am embarassed a bit for doing it my writing... Would gullet replace this? Thank you for sharing your deem on my piece. Take care, Essorant [This message has been edited by Essorant (11-05-2002 09:41 PM).] |
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