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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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PoetryIsLife 
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... 
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This boy... this boy, he doesn't understand If you come near, you can feel the weight of his confusion. He stands, he stands, he stands, yet his feet don't hit the ground. Floating through the wind, battered by his enemy all day long. He searches and searches, yet never looks in, inward to himself. An enemy at the gates, gates he opens full wide. Do you trust a fool? Then why trust me? The enemy is within, and all I do is look up. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Daniel Redding - All Rights Reserved | |||
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
What do you say, people? Let me know, anything.  Sincerely, Titus "My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems." |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
You are telling me how this person impressed you but you are not showing me why. The description leaves too many unanswered questions. I suggest that you tell us indirectly what this kid's situation is. Dramatize it via dialogue or monologue. Let us see and here what he is going through. Let us feel his anguish as we share his his anger, or sense of helplessness, or his inability to seek help. Delve deeply into his psyche and paint us a scene which illustrates it. |
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TJDoat Junior Member
since 2002-09-29
Posts 26 |
Is the enemy you? What does this mean to you? I like the concept, and the abstract/surreal feeling you are going for. It could be devolped more, but I would need more of an insight from you before I attemtped to go there. -Jason |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
Thank you, for the responses. It'll help me to cultivate this and future poems. Sincerely, Titus "My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems." (2002 Copyright) [This message has been edited by PoetryIsLife (10-23-2002 03:42 AM).] |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Titus, welcome to CA. Feel free to join in with your comments on others' works to help the forum go 'round. Now, I'm hoping you don't mind, but I'm going to reconstruct this poem and modify it according to how I would "like" to see it. Please keep in mind that this is my style and my opinion, and as such should probably serve only to show an example, not a true suggestion of how you "should" do it. This boy [Ditched ellipsis] doesn't understand. [Repetition is often useful, but feels clumsy here. Also need period here to follow pattern of punctuation you've set in the poem] If you come near [Comma unnecessary] you can feel the weight of his confusion. [Broke this off to emphasize "confusion," which is a major part of your "intent"] He stands, he stands, [Repetition works here (but not x3, overdoing it), also set it apart to emphasize the vision of him "standing," as representative of the attempts he's making to make things right] yet his feet don't hit the ground. Floating through the wind, [Left this, but look, perhaps, for another way to phrase it. It fits the ethereal imagery you're using, but my mind passed through it with little affect, since I've seen that phrase so many times before that it's lost impact] battered by his enemy, [Stronger without the addition of "all day long." Also, continue with the next from here, no need to separate it] he searches. [End sentence here to connect battering while searching - stronger image] Searches, [Repetition adds here for emphasis and continuation] yet never looks in, inward to himself. [I like this… but is tautological (thanks K). Redundant - we know "inward" is himself. Perhaps find something to add to inward, perhaps show the reason he can't?] An adversary [Don't really like this section, but will leave it for purposes of example. (Is contradictory - How can he open the gates if he never looks in?) - So, Broke it up for emphasis and changed "enemy" because it's repeated toward the end, and this kind of repetition (in my op only) is sloppy and tacky.] at the gates, gates he opens - [Personal preference only: I like to see phrases set out like this connected with a dash] - full wide. [Really liked how you set this out] Why trust a fool, [Changed this to get rid of the conversational tone, since the rest is more "formal." Also, I like the transition you were trying to make is cool, but could possibly be done in a smoother, more effective way.] when the enemy is within [Don't need the comma here either] and all I do is look up. I really appreciate where you were trying to go with this Titus. (I even wrote one along the same lines about three and a half years ago). I think you have the potential (both in this poem and personally) to get some good places. I hope this doesn't come off too harsh and sounding like I didn't like it at all. I do, really, just think it has a lot of rough edges marring the surface of a good idea. Chris [This message has been edited by Christopher (10-23-2002 04:34 AM).] |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
Chris, what can I say? I appreciate your criqiue a great deal. What I've gotten in here is helping me sit down, and take my work more seriously, to desire to know more the ins and outs of how poetry works, not simply to write it. To do both, in the end. Thank you, very much. I'm looking forward to going the forum, giving what insight from this poet I can. Sincerely, Titus "A life unexamined is not worth living." |
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