»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Another Dad poem. Not so personal though.
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Another Dad poem. Not so personal though. |
|
|
billiegail New Member
since 2002-10-17
Posts 8East Texas, USA! |
xoxoxxoxoxo [This message has been edited by billiegail (10-20-2002 12:04 AM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Billie Stanley-Lackey-Turknett - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
It's more universal, but not any more specific or engaging. Part of bringing someone to life in a unique light through writing is using unique wording. A brief perusal of the less critical forums here or the scam anthologies that drew you in will reveal that this is one of a plethora of very similar "Dad" poem. You mentioned greeting cards in an earlier post. Do I think this, as a whole or in part, could make it on a greeting card? Sure thing. Does that mean it's good? Not necessarily. Gretting cards are universal- and if that's what you're trying to achieve here, then I've guess you've done it- a poem that just about everyone can relate to in an abstract, non-specific way. I can't begin to tell you how to improve this poem- I'd scrap it. I used to write in this style, and all those poems are sitting in the bottom of a box, covered with my progressive poetic attempts. I've found that writing improves with time. The more you read, the better you write- the more techniques you learn by way of enjoying them in someone else's work, the more effectively you can incorporate them into your own. My advice- read poetry, and not that dime-a-dozen anthology crap. I like to persue poetry sections and just pick up a book, flip through it, and buy it if I like it. I'm hardly an expert on poetry, and I'm hardly a walking encyclopedia of poems and poets- if you want to see what kind of style appeals to you, why not hunt down a Norton Anthology of Modern Poetry? I practically stole mine, used, for 11 bucks. It's worth it. |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Billie, I think this is about as personal as your first post. It is different and does not deal with such an emotional issue. As such, a critique may be more appropriate this time. Hush has pretty well diagnosed it, IMO. Yes, this is the sort of thing one might find on a greeting card. It would be perfect for a Father's Day card, I think. There is nothing inherently wrong in writing this kind of poetry although some may claim it is not poetry at all. The real problem with it is that it is all too common. You can go to the card shop and read it all day long and still not get through all of it. In that sense, I suppose one might say that the whole genre is a massive cliche. If you could give this poem to your father, I'm sure he would treasure it. I know I would. But that still does not make it interesting poetry for the general reader. Notice that I didn't refer to "good poetry" but "generally interesting poetry", instead. If he hasn't already done so, Rob would suggest that you try writing about something else for a while. You appear to have a good feel for words and this is a very good tribute to your father. But the subject matter and point of view you have used so far make it extremely difficult for you to write something interesting to the general reader. JMHO, Pete |
||
|
Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
I thoroughly agree with all the previous advice. I would just like to add a few thoughts. First, poetry is primarily about experience. But then again so is prose as written in novels, short stories, and plays. Both poetry and literary prose [as opposed to informative prose] strive to engage the reader emotionally, intellectually, and imaginatively so that the reader is left with a deeper appreciation of a familiar or unfamiliar experience. So what is the difference? The difference is not in kind but in intensity. Poetry strives to be more intense. By expressing an experience more intensely, then, it seeks to engage the reader not only on an intellectual level informative writing does, but on a much more intensely imaginative, emotional, and intellectual level. To accomplish this it makes far greater use of metaphor, simile, connotation, understatement, symbol and so forth, than prose does so that we walk away from the read with a different view of the subject. For example, a terminal patient expresses his agony poetically and we better understand the feelings of those who are about to die from terminal diseases. A soldier expresses his terror in the face of battle and we grow in understanding of such a situation. A mother faces a dilemma of aborting a child produced by rape and going against her conscience and to carry an unwanted child the full term and giving birth to it and expresses her anguish poetically. We walk away from their poetry with more discernment toward those undergoing such experiences. As a consequence we might grow in compassion. so in composing a poem we have to ask ourselves whether the reader will walk away from the read with a more intense or less intense feeling toward the subject. Or will he be left unmoved? What is the poem's purpose? To increase sensitivity to nature's need for our protection? Then a list of reasons why is not poetry but informative writing. So in order to differentiate your poem more from prose then, more intensity is needed. So if indeed you wish to revise this writing, that is one approach that must be apply. [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-18-2002 02:40 PM).] |
||
|
Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Billie Pete has said it all. But that's not going to stop me saying again at length! The question you have to ask yourself is: “Do I want to make my poem memorable and interesting for others to read” - with the emphasis on the memorable. To illustrate in a rather blunt way: I read this poem 10 minutes ago and I can’t remember a single thing about it simply because there was very little in the way of original imagery in it - it blurs into the everyday common language of our lives. On the other hand I read Jim Bouder’s poem about his son (in this forum) several weeks ago and yet I can recall most of the imagery and even some of the phrases used. So Billie you have to decide WHY you are writing. Are you simply writing to express your feelings or as a release i.e. to get your feelings down on a piece of paper OR are you concerned as well to COMMUNICATE those feelings in a powerful way to other people. If it’s the first of these then read no further. However if it’s the latter then maybe you could consider the following (which btw is only my take, there may well be other views just as valid on this): Consider: My wife has just left me and I write: “I was heartbroken when she left me the pain in my soul pierced my very being to the core and as I looked out up to the stars I felt the loneliness of someone bereft of love” Fine, I have expressed my feelings. Perhaps writing that has been an outlet for my grief, perhaps it satisfies me. Perhaps I think I am a great and powerful poet. But do those words do anything to convey what I really feel to a reader? The answer is that the reader might empathize in two ways, either: 1 The reader will simply feel sorry for the poet as one human to another as he/she can see the poet is unhappy or 2 The reader will empathise by projecting a similar experience (of being deserted) that he/she has had and feel sorrow probably for him or herself as well. i.e. the poem has served simply as a reminder of similar circumstances experienced personally. In neither case has the poem actually conveyed in a convincing or believable way the emotions of the writer, and in neither case has the reader really be changed or moved by the poem or offered any new insights. Quite often readers confuse straightforward and understandable sorrow (or joy) engendered by hearing of a poet’s plight (or elation) with true appreciation of what “real” poetry can bring. You ask may ask: Does this matter? Well yes it does, because the same emotions can be raised by the following: Dear Billie, I’m writing to tell you that my wife has left me. I looked out on the stars last night and I felt such grief and emotion as my words can’t possibly convey. Will this pain ever leave me do you think. I feel lost. With love Rob That would not generally be regarded as a poem. It is a personal appeal to the tender human feelings in us. I am not saying that poems do not appeal in that way as well, but poetry is (or can be) so much more. So in a nutshell I am agreeing with you, poems can be about “feelings”, and certainly I believe a poet should always write what he or she believes to be true (that doesn’t of course preclude writing entirely fictional poems), but it’s HOW the poem is written that matters. A powerful way to write is to try and convey feelings and emotions not by using vague and superficial phrases but in a straightforward and believable manner using images and scenes that the reader can relate to and that portray the state of mind of the writer (if that is what the poem is about) in such a way that the reader can see and feel it for him or herself. So for instance I might have written instead: That night, in my wicker chair, I stared out from the island marooned in the moment she finally crashed the oak door in my face. The black water reflected my thoughts and chisel-tips of starlight seemed to slice into my bleary eyes. Do you see how all of a sudden you can SEE the poet. Instead of a faceless person simply setting down abstract words on a screen the writer becomes a PERSON, yet within the poem. You may want to know more about why he is on an island, why she slammed the door etc - you become involved in the scene and thereby intimately involved in the poet’s emotions. So yes! Convey emotion, write about absolutely anything at all. But writing a poem is all about CAUSING the reader to experience emotion about something. Writing in which the writer only elaborates upon the emotion he or she is feeling at a particular time is unlikely to do this. With kind regards Rob |
||
|
Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
I fully agree with Rob. It is not just the expression of pain per se, but the manner in which the anguish is expressed that will determine the poem's effectiveness. If we are merely reminded of our own grief or feel sorry for the speaker, then we gain no new insight into the experience. So what the poet strives to do is to create a new vision, a unique way of looking at an experience so that those previously insensitive will be moved. A poet might strive to accomplish this via the creation of anger. For example, the meticulous description of how a terminal patient is treated-mechanically, impersonally, can be hinted at in a poem causing the reader to feel indignation against such an abuse. It might even move him to take up the cause of those who are so treated. So the poem might prove a catalyst for social change. The poem's purpose is therefore of paramount importance in determining just how it needs to be written. Certainly such a serious subject as described above will not be written in limerick format. LOL But as Rob said, this can only take place if the poem is not just a list of grievances or descriptions. It must engage the reader, involve his emotions in one way or another in order to accomplish this. [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-18-2002 03:03 PM).] |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
