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Sudden Darkness
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Sudden Darkness |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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October evening storm, wind screams over bent trees, white hot bolts follow reverberating cracks... sudden darkness inside dazes, sends senses reeling, till enough light is shed to watch shadows on the walls flicker Rorschach shapes. "It is wisdom to know others; |
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| © Copyright 2002 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Warmhrt This seemed like a string of cliches: wind screams bent trees white hot bolts reverberating cracks shadows flicker leading to a single punch line which I guess is ok. Sorry I can't be more positive but I don't think this is a keeper. Rob |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi warmhrt, haven't seen ya for a long time...nice to have you back. Ok, your poem...well, I think you could use a simili or two perhaps and I don't know, it is a favorite topic for poets to write about as is love, I think. The tricky and challenging part is to bring it to the reader in a fresh new way. Wind screams-- perhaps this would be a good place for a simili and right away I thought of-- a wind screams like a banshee over bent trees-- which is probably not a good example because banshee has been used too much, I believe.... but I just wanted to take you to my mind of thought. white hot bolts follow-- I think too many adjectives don't help a poem, it just drones along and we don't really feel the action of these bolts. This could also go with a simili if you so desired...something along the lines of lightning bolts with jagged edges/or like a serrated blade, the reader really wants to see it in their minds. sudden darkness inside dazes, sends senses reeling ** why not make this bounce a little more-- perhaps sudden darkness hazes, dazes sending senses reeling, peeling do you feel that action in there? Something to think about if you do a revision. till enough light is shed -- I think you can make this line much better. to watch shadows on the wall flicker ** now, this is a screaming storm-- you should work with these 2 lines to make it more interesting-- watch shadows and walls flicker-- what shapes are the shadows...how do they flicker? You already have the poem warmht, just expand and bring it to life. I hope I helped and perhaps a revision is in the offing? Take care caterina |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
rob, caterina, Thank you both for for reading and for your input. Will consider all suggestions if I do decide to rewrite. Thanks again, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Hi! Wow! Tremendous storm! That reminds me of when my three-year-old son stood in front of the wall-length parlor window nervously observing the furious lightning storm which literally shook the walls. I told him "The good Lord uses this to make the plants grow. You should give thanks!" With a look of disgust on his face and pointing at the storm he said: "Give thanks? Give thanks for this? For this?" At which point the storm thundered again and he jumped nervously! LOL Kids say the funniest things! Sorry for the digression. Here are a few suggestions that I feel will strengthen the poem: October evening storm, [iambic trimeter] wind screams over bent trees, white hot bolts follow reverberating cracks... [iambic trimeter] [It seems as if the bolts are chasing after the cracks here.] sudden darkness inside [Inside the cracks?] dazes, sends senses reeling, till enough light is shed [on the walls]. [where] shadows [now] flicker [their] Rorschach shapes. [The reason I brought your attention to the repeated iambic trimeter is because a third line of iambic trimeter is needed near or at the conclusion to give the poem a stronger sense of unity and finality. Try it out and see for yourself.] [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-13-2002 05:34 PM).] |
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