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Septembered Eyes
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Septembered Eyes |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Two skylines shimmered loud as proud mountains majesties heraldries of past forevers to last. as skies of spacious plains of rolling nourishing rains. as seas betweened, evergladed by swayings of grain. as brotherhoods of understoods pondered long forever strong as Septembered eyes foundered, wondered and cried. two skylines shimmered proud. [Modified to prevent the repetition of "pondered" as advised.] [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-23-2002 01:21 PM).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Radrook: A tribute, now doubt, to 9/11. I thought your play on the two skylines (presumably pre-9/11 and post-9/11) and your allusion to the American hymn were quite effective. "Heraldries", however, was a little cumbersome to the tongue when read aloud, but, otherwise, I think your choices of words worked for me. Thanks for the read. Jim |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Overall I really like this. I think 'pondered' twice in the fifth stanza is too repetitive... but otherwise, the stanza is excellent, really cool wordplay. BTW, congratulations for writing a 9/11 tribute without getting too soppy and blindly patriotic about it... and at the same time, celebrating America within the poem. That's a thin line to balance on... you did a really neat job with it. 'Well, I will not be an enemy of anything |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Thanks for the advice! I will read the poem aloud to check out "heraldry" and will try to find a substitute for "pondered." Funny! I didn't notice I had repeated "pondered" untill I was told! God bless! |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Rad, Fine first post indeed. I want to echo what Hush said. quote: I think that was my first impression. I have made a couple of half-hearted attempts at such a tribute but they never cam out right. Yours does. I also did not notice the doubling of pondered but I think your change is good. You covered a awful lot of ground in the tribute to America but it does not seem overwhelming. All-in-all, I would have to say it is very well done. And it's about time we see some of your writings after you have been so generous in commenting on everyone else's work. Thanks, Pete |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
I am going to play follow the leader here and say that I enjoyed your write so much, you have been able to capture so much in a very few words. For myself, I had no problems with 'heraldries' and I see you have made an edit on the 'pondered' and the replacement works well. I especially liked the 5th stanza, very touching. So happy that you posted a poem and I agree with Pete on the crits, you have been generous and helpful. A great first offering Rad and hope to see more of your writes. Thankyou for sharing. caterina |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Radrook... I'm not sure why but the opening lines to this one do not seem to do the remaining part justice..I think it is the shimmering loud...and while I like the sound of it..it leaves me with the feeling it is forced and not at all with the keeping of the great way you cover so much ground with so few words in the rest of it... I don't have any definite suggestions as to how to replace the line....so maybe I shouldn't even mention it.. Other than that I think the poem is a great tribute with out being over the top and without being overly sensational in the presentation.... Very Nice Work |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Thanks for your compliments and observations cpt Hair! I was about to go into reasons and such, but since so many people perished on that horrendous September I will simply say that I did the best I could. God bless! [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-24-2002 05:09 PM).] |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Radrook The subliminals (see you even have me doing it!...see later) in this were great. Read out loud and ignoring the (in my view) unnecessary periods of the end of each stanza the poem just rolls on like the vast landscape it portrays. But underneath there is quite a bit going on as well. I’m picking up the sort of messages Jim mentioned but also some kind of depiction of the huge span of the continent not just in physical terms but also in historical social cultural philosophical political etc etc ways as well. Also the two horizons of the continent east and west are neatly woven in with the twin towers image without being over obvious, and the strength and pride of the nation comes through nicely as well. As I say the sound is great and I’m having a wonderful time reading just so long as I keep my mind off those excruciatingly pervasive and horrible inflections ... arrgh. Maybe it’s just a pet hate of mine, but it sure seems that everyone is starting to think these days that all they have to do to be poetic is add “ed” onto the end of every noun and verb in sight and then pluralize all over the place as well. Of course a few “pondered’s” and “shimmered’s” are fine, but so many! I can even live with a brace of “forevers” (although “forever strong” sounds like a cliche to me), but when we get “seas betweened” and “swayings” “evergladed” and “Septembered” I am pretty much in agony. Perhaps I’m just too conservative, but such a string of convoluted words just keeps distracting me and dragging my attention from the sound. All of which leaves me in something of a quandary because I happen to LIKE the sound and regrettably the sound is produced by these unconscionable words - so where is a poor square critic to hide?! This poem is both pleasing and infuriating at the same time. There’s tension for you! Also I’d like to add my approbation (so formal tonight!) to that of the others who said thanks for your critiques and for spending so much time helping others before you posted yourself. Rob PS to Caterina now that I've got myself in a nicely grouchy mood I can ask you: since when has "write" been a noun? Or did you mean "rite"; in which case you know something about Radrook that I don't! [This message has been edited by Robtm1965 (09-24-2002 06:20 PM).] |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Really? WOW! [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-25-2002 04:57 AM).] |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Rob,  Do you have to work at being grouchy or does it come naturally? Have you ever watched 'Sesame Street?' Maybe you should consider changing your first name to Oscar. All joking aside, yes... that is a bad habit of mine and one that I will correct as of today...just to make you happy. I am usually attentive to verbs, nouns and whatnot...but sometimes I just get sloppy, lazy or whatever and play grammar hookie. Now that I know you are so sensitive I shall pay closer attention to my sentence structure. Btw, are you an English professor? Thanks for keeping me on my toes. caterina PS For some reason 'nicely grouchy' doesn't sound right...could be just me though. [This message has been edited by caterina (09-25-2002 09:05 AM).] |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Caterina From the top: Do you have to work at being grouchy or does it come naturally? Naturally, naturally. Have you ever watched 'Sesame Street?' Once. About 10 seconds of it or about as long as it took me to get my finger to the off button. Maybe you should consider changing your first name to Oscar. I have a feeling that was an insult. All joking aside, yes... that is a bad habit of mine and one that I will correct as of today...just to make you happy. Good, because they do it all the time in the Open forum, and we need to live up to higher standards here. I am usually attentive to verbs, nouns and whatnot...but sometimes I just get sloppy, lazy or whatever and play grammar hookie. Tssk. Now that I know you are so sensitive I shall pay closer attention to my sentence structure. Good. Btw, are you an English professor? I wish. But I shall take that as compliment to balance the Oscar insult. Thanks for keeping me on my toes. Pleasure. PS For some reason 'nicely grouchy' doesn't sound right...could be just me though. Yes you are right - ok, vilely grouchy then! Regards Rob |
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