»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
The Poet Speaks
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
The Poet Speaks |
|
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
The Poet Speaks The poet speaks of Love and lovely things – Of lust for life and beauty so it’s known By all who hear, the love with which he sings In words of raw emotion … sung alone. He bares his essence for these works of praise, With unrelenting zeal, yet just a token, In flawed belief impassioned prayers might raise His hopes. But words like that cannot be spoken. He’ll not succumb but, with old dreamers, dream Of fairer times and, by his pen, coerce His words to serve this unremitting theme, Forever forging thoughts of Love in verse. With passion still the fervent poet clings, Composing rhymes of Love and lovely things. |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Pete Rawlings - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
Pete, this is attractive- I enjoyed it after several readings, some aloud. I don't think you need the space and elipses between sung and emotion, I'd eliminate that. Additionally, I think the first line 'The poet speaks of love and lovely things' can be misinterpreted to mean that the poet only writes of love and lovely things- that of course is not true; and though I believe that this is not your intent, it came across to me as an absolute statement. Otherwise I enjoyed this for the breath of fresh air it exhudes and for its portrayal of the poets resolve to keep writing. Thanks. |
||
|
Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
I too wondered about poets speaking only of the things you mention. But this brief pause was only a minor distraction. Shakesperean sonnet beautifully written and fit to be framed! Thanks for sharing! [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-18-2002 03:52 PM).] |
||
|
Ron
Administrator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-05-19
Posts 8669Michigan, US |
I've rarely read a poem that flows as wonderfully as does this one. The poet speaks of Love and lovely things - Of lust for life and beauty so it's known By all who hear, the love with which he sings In words of raw emotion … sung alone. I have no problem at all with the ellipses and the pause they bring. On the contrary, I think they are vital to separate the shift in mood. You might consider changing the dash at the end of L1 to a comma, both to lend added strength to the latter pause and because the clause that follows is a natural extension of "Love and lovely things." The only real problem I have with this section is the word "speaks" in L1. It's too strong of a word, I feel, and may be the source of the exclusion others are sensing. Unfortunately, there's no easy substitution that works. "Sings" creates an interesting (and possibly distracting) internal rhyme, but is probably no less absolute than speaks. Question: Is "the" poet singular or generic? If you are writing about a specific poet, who indeed may speak only of love and lovely things, that intention isn't immediately apparent, but otherwise solves the problem. If not, several other doors are opened. Some poets speak of Love and lovely things A poet ponders Love and lovely things I often speak of Love and lovely things (which obviously cascades more changes) etc He bares his essence for these works of praise, With unrelenting zeal, yet just a token, In flawed belief impassioned prayers might raise His hopes. But words like that cannot be spoken. This section mirrors the former in terms of the mood shift, and I think you could emphasis that by changing the period in L8 to matching ellipses. BTW, the enjambment here is delightful, some of the best I've seen. The "But" in L8 is going to make the "but" in L9 flow a little awkwardly. You might consider: "His hopes … though words like that cannot be spoken." He'll not succumb but, with old dreamers, dream Of fairer times and, by his pen, coerce His words to serve this unremitting theme, Forever forging thoughts of Love in verse. Again, delightful enjambment, and I really like the rhyme. Personally, I'd probably try to replace "succumb" as I don't think the assonance is as pleasing as it is in ALL other sections, but that's a minor thing. I'd also consider changing "this unremitting theme" to "his unremitting theme", to see if that made it more concrete. I'm guessing this passage marks the beginning of the volta? The only over-all weakness I see in this sonnet is that the mood shifts in the previous two quatrains are the only things that differentiate them from your turn. I would like to have seen a stronger juxtaposition, but honestly don't see how that would be possible. Nor is it necessary, and I really LIKE the mood shifts in the first section. With passion still the fervent poet clings, Composing rhymes of Love and lovely things. The first and last lines construct a frame around the sonnet that is pure delight. Very clever, and I like it a LOT. You can expect me to steal that idea soon.  |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Pete: I enjoyed the sonnet also. I think Ron's suggestions to clear up the confusion some of the others experienced with the first line but, assuming you were speaking of poets generically, I would recommend "When" instead of "Some", but I can see how using either will mess with the wording in later lines. If you are speaking of one poet in particular, I think you could capitalize "Poet" (this would be consistent with your capitalization and, I think, personification of "Love"), then you could alleviate the confusion without changing the wording appreciably. "Succumb" was problematic for me as well. I might suggest "relent" ... its meaning is similar and the sound is a little more pleasing. It also allows for a natural, short pause before "but" (the same effect "succumb" achieves). A good offering, Pete. Thanks. Jim |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Yesh & Rad, Thanks for reading and commenting. I do see the problem with the poet and what he speaks of, now that everyone has pointed it out. Ron even suggested some alternative wordings. There is a problem with that though. To change "the poet speaks" would make for some serious changes later. Besides that, those were the words which inspired the piece in the first place, the title of an unusual piano piece by Robert Schumann. I really feel that I want to keep it. In my thinking, "love and lovely" are now so critical. They might possibly be replaced by something more generic without seriously affecting the intent or the flow. Anyway, I did not mean to imply that this is the only subject poets in general, or even any specific poet, might write about. That would have to be an unacceptably self-restricting stance, one which surely would become tiresome quickly. Ron, Thanks much for all your help. I am very pleased that you enjoyed it too. Now to address your seggestions. I too fell like the elipsis is needed to force the pause. Is it really an elipsis since nothing is left out or is it just a poetic misuse that we recognize to mean a longer pause than a comma? I also like changing the dash on L1 to a comma exactly for the 2 reasons you mentioned. As for "speaks" see above. Sing won't help as you noted and it also would be repeated a couple of lines later. Probably not good. I believe I meant "the poet" generically. I also did not mean to imply that these were his only subjects but I can see that I have left that open as a possible restrictive interpretation. Maybe changing "love and lovely" to something more generic will work here. I have a couple of ideas but need more thought. Next, I really like both your suggestions for L8, change the period to an elipsis and change but to though. Great idea! Thanks. Ouch, succumb! Now that you guys point it out, it really does sound bad. I'll work on it. See below. Also, as far as the first/last line framing, that was also part of my original plan for this sonnet. Glad you liked it. And I will be extremely flattered any time you want to steal an idea from me. Jim, I see where you are going with when to start the poem but I also see the later problems you alluded to. I'm still thinking that the object is where I should look for help in that area. I do like relent much better than succumb. I can't imagine where I came up with a word that sounds like that anyway. Relent, however, does sort of conflict with relentless a few lines above. In fact, it is a big enough word to clash pretty badly, I suspect. There are some other possibilities, give in for instance, would also work although it may be a little common or base for this context. Anyway, it shouldn't be too hard to come up with a suitable substitute. Thanks all for your help. I think it can be improved with this advice. That's what I really love about this place. If I haven't said it before, thanks Ron for giving us a great home. Pete |
||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Pete...relent = abate...unrelenting = unabating A beautiful poem, and I appreciated the generic "poet" for it suits a woman's voice as much as ever it did a man's timber... thank you for this love of lovely... |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I don't have much advice, just wanted to drop in an tell you I really liked the coerce/verse rhyme, and I thought your enjambment was pretty cool. THE ONLY WAR THAT MATTERS IS THE WAR AGAINST THE IMAGINATION |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Karilea, Thanks for the suggestion. I'm a little confused on this one. My thesaurus and to some extent the dictionary agree with you on relent/abate. I suppose it's just me but I get a different feel from the two words. Abate seems to have more of a transitive connotation than relent. Until I can accept the idea that it is not, I don't think I could use it here. Glad you enjoyed. And thanks for seeing it from the woman's point of view. Honestly I didn't even think of that. Maybe I can adjust those personal pronouns to make it more politically correct. I guess I was around when it was proper to use he to generically reference both sexes. Older than dirt, huh?  Amy, Thanks for reading and for the nice compliments. Pete |
||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Pete...not as old as dirt...I'm older than dirt, and I should know... I had thought of the use of abate, seemingly to turn aside or fend off...while relent, "give in" as you suggested earlier, was more on target... "generic" use of poet was not so much politically correct [which I could give a hoot less about] as you left it OPEN to interpretation by anyone, and that, for me, is the sign of a good writer. Even though you said "he" and "his", still, the overall sensation was that it would be been just as easy for the reader to say "she" and "her" and feel as if it were written for them. Still  |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey, I think I may have it. If I change unrelenting in L6 to unabated, then I can use not relent in place of the offending not succumb in L9.  Does that work?Pete |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
