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Road Rage
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Road Rage |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Road Rage I was going down the road in my brand new car, I wasn't going fast, I wasn't going far. When up comes this Dude he was balling the jack, he got on my bumper and he wouldn't ease back. Then he started blowing his horn. He was really ruining my Sunday morn. He followed me to the county line, where they don't have a no parking sign. He signal for me to pull over and stop. I looked around for a county cop. Now I am five foot seven, a hundred fifty pounds, a reverent preacher on his Sunday rounds. Now when I got out with a big crow bar, he put it in reverse and stalled his car. I broke out his windshield and his running light. I don't know why I did it, what a ugly sight. I walked to my car, I didn't look back, I didn't want to make that dreaded eye contact. [This message has been edited by chopsticks (11-16-2007 08:07 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 My brother John. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I haven't formally scanned it, but it has a rhythm for me. I quite enjoyed it ('an ugly' though), sounds to me like you've got a good song here: Can anybody else here Johnny Cash? |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Sorry, chopsticks. It has no meter and the syllable counts are badly off. Using "now" to begin to concurrent stanzas doesn't work, either, I'm afraid. I suggest you choose the meter you want to use and make the syllable counts closer. I would also suggest you make it 4-line stanzas instead of individual couplets. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
I like this one. And it rhymed.  |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Brad, Balladeer, and Tomtoo , two out of three ain’t bad and thanks for the comments .I am reminded of a skit by Red Shelton on ( Cat On A Hot Ten Roof ) when Maggie told Red who was playing Big Daddy: I hate this plantation, I hate your family, I hate it when I wake up here every morning, I hate all these smelly animals, when she stopped to get a breath Big Daddy ask her, outside of that is everything else ok. Balladeer, I’m only joking and I take your critique seriously and thank you very much. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
No problem, chopsticks. I know you always take things the right way.  Here are your meter and syllable counts which prompted my remarks.... I was going down the road in my brand new car, --/-/-/-/-/- (12) I wasn't going fast, I wasn't going far. -/-/-/-/-/-/ (12) When up comes this Dude he was balling the jack, -//-//-/--/ (11) he got on my bumper and he wouldn't ease back. -/--/---/--/(12) Then he started blowing his horn. /-/-/--/ (8) He was really ruining my Sunday morn. --/-/---/-/ (11) He followed me to the county line, -///--/-/ (9) where they don't have a no parking sign. -/-/-//-/ (9) He signal for me to pull over and stop. -/--/-//--/ (11)..........should be "signalled" I looked around for a county cop. -/-/--/-/ (9) Now I am five foot seven, a hundred fifty pounds, -/-/-/--/-/-/ (13) a reverent preacher on his Sunday rounds. -/-//-/-/-/ (11) Now when I got out with a big crow bar, -/-//--/// (10) he put it in reverse and stalled his car.-//--/-/-/ (10) I broke out his windshield and his running light. -/--/---/-/ (11) I don't know why I did it, what a ugly sight. -/-/-/-/-/-/ (12) I walked to my car, I didn't look back, -/--///--/ (10) I didn't want to make that dreaded eye contact. -/-/-/-/-//- (12) Best to ya... |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Balladeer, thank you for your line by line. I am sure others on here learned a lot from it too. Up until this post I didn’t really know the difference between meter and syllable count, now I got it. I was breaking the rules before I knew them. It is hard for this upstart not to think , if it sounds good to me it’s got to sound good to you . Thanks again and I know there are others saying the same thing . I have to tell this : I was at a place in Mass. called Star Bridge Village. I was watching a demonstration on making pottery . The guy said, you find the center of the clay and you start working from there. After the demonstration was over he ask was there any question ? After everybody else left I ask, how long does it take until you can find the center ? He said about two weeks and then you wonder how stupid you were. That’s how I feel about meter and syllable count. [This message has been edited by chopsticks (11-18-2007 07:33 AM).] |
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