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lyricpoet
Member

since 2005-07-16

Posts 199
NY, USA

0 posted 2007-11-03 09:18 AM

My just love, from the decree of her moist lips I have never departed. Her smile laid rich that abides in it's path of innocents. Of light exists day by day which discourse to meet her starry eyes. Where her silken tresses, so fair, waves like an ebony veil against her bosom. And that tender light that shines upon her face is heavens concern. To pass the night in this loftly nest, so deep in mind and sweet embrace.

O' my soul pines for her love, so dear, in double hearts. So soft in glow, that it tints her cheek with a rosey hue. In her aspect of youthfulness, and the tenting state of her grace. Her shades of effulgence turn a kiss that will never be undefined. She will kept, preserves me and I will never restrain my passions. There is no secret to our love, but expressed the more from within my heart.

(c) Kevin Brian Wright 2007

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-11-05 06:23 PM

Below is a quick line by line critique. The running motif is guessing. My guessing. I'm not sure if I'm the best reader of your work. I tend to try to piece things together and makes sense of something when perhaps what you want is more a creation of a tone, a feeling, an atmosphere.

You seem surprised that I would find your previous work 'horrifying'. I do. The multiple images of an 'angel', the physical description combined with the mental/spiritual aspects of what it is to be a non-corporeal being have always troubled me. I also find "Leda and the Swan" to be horrifying.

Does that surprise you?

Please take the following with a grain of salt. It was done within a relatively small time frame, and I'm sure there are just as many mistakes in the correcting as there are in your piece.

Good luck and I do hope you keep posting here. You have some interesting ideas, but I do think they need to be 'fleshed' out.

---------------------------
Honestly, I'm just guessing here:

quote:
My just love,

'just' as in only/mere or justice?

or both?

quote:
from the decree of her moist lips, I have never departed.

The speaker is her slave.

quote:
Her smile laid rich that abides in it's path of innocents.

'it's' should be 'its'. I guess this means something like 'her smile laid rich those things that abide in its path of innocence.

'laid rich', I guess, is a reversal of the idiomatic 'laid waste'

Hey, are we talking about the same angel?

quote:
Of light exists day by day which discourse to meet her starry eyes.

possibly: Of light -- or lights that exist-- that exists day by day and they talk about her eyes.

quote:
Where her silken tresses, so fair, waves like an ebony veil against her bosom.

Her hair covers her breasts. 'Fair' here means 'free from imperfecttion' or perhaps it's a reference to 'just' above?

quote:
And that tender light that shines upon her face is heavens concern.

heaven's concern. So, heaven is concerned and is showing this by shining a tender light upon her face.

quote:
To pass the night in this loftly nest, so deep in mind and sweet embrace.

You are 'caught up' in the physical and the mental while passing the night at her pad. I say 'pad' here because 'nest' also seems idiomatic.

quote:
O' my soul pines for her love, so dear, in double hearts.

Double hearts? I guess you mean 'two hearts beat as one'?

quote:
So soft in glow, that it tints her cheek with a rosey hue.

This 'it'. What is it? If it's 'double hearts', shouldn't it be they?

quote:
In her aspect of youthfulness, and the tenting state of her grace.

'the tenting state of grace' -- she is young and she has an expanding state of grace?

Are you trying to be comical?

quote:
Her shades of effulgence turn a kiss that will never be undefined.

She has multiple shades of 'radiance' and this 'turns' a kiss into something defined.

Defined as what?

quote:
She will kept, preserves me and I will never restrain my passions.

She will have kept? It preserves me and I will 'do what I will'?

quote:
There is no secret to our love, but expressed the more from within my heart.

There are no secrets between us. But it will be expressed more from within my heart?

I don't know.

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

2 posted 2007-11-05 06:41 PM

Wow! Also, how about "My just love" with "just" meaning "righteous?"

Jim

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

3 posted 2007-11-06 07:04 AM

~Then one of the soldiers with a spear pierced his side, and forthwith came there out blood and water ~

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