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Replete
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Replete |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
The sun slides with ease through wooden slats and I nuzzle like a puppy against his neck, my arm spanned across his chest. There are no words, we breathe and sigh, fall gently into sleep. Love has wrapped around us like a ribbon knotted tight, interlaced like a bow, we share a parcel of dreams. caterina 28/07/02 |
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| © Copyright 2002 Carol Jane Bleichert - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Hi Caterina! I like this poem, especially the simile of this couple being like a gift wrapped by love. Beautiful! I also liked the simile of nuzzling like a puppy. God how I envy that man! You paint beautiful images with your words! The only part I had a little difficulty was with the pronoun reference which seems to refer to the sun. The sun slides with ease through wooden slats and I nuzzle like a puppy against his neck, The sun's neck? Are you purposefully referring to the man as a sun? If not, then the pronoun reference, in my humble opinion, needs to be made clear. Perhaps "as I nuzzle like a puppy against my lover's neck" But then again the rhythm is not the same. But I feel that the poem gains in focus what it loses in rhythm here. For me as reader, it would remove the slight distraction. For others, well, it might not be a distraction at all as you can see. BTW This is one of the most beautiful poems I have ever read. You have great talent! God bless! [This message has been edited by Radrook (08-28-2002 12:15 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Cat, Nice image here. Technically Rad is probably about the pronoun reference but honestly it didn't cause me any confusion. So I'm not sure I would worry about it. Ok, so now you have two opinions. Thanks, Pete |
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Kunoichi Junior Member
since 2002-08-17
Posts 10US of A |
Ugh, wow. I really like this. I LONG for this. Teehee. I'm not too big on the whole pronoun clarification thing. I understood that you were NOT talking about the sun, but that's definitely up to you. I SO love the second stanza. Just how everything relates to that single gift of love...how you and your lover are intertwined together..and you share. Oh wow, never mind. I can't explain. The wording was just perfect in the second stanza. I love this. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Cat. Great poem, I've already commented to you about this one so I won't go into great detail about it. I did like the change you made to the opening regarding the "cheese" line. And I wouldn't worry about people not getting who "his" is. I too think that in a strict textbook sense that Radrook and Pete are correct but chaulk your word usage up to a poetic license...its much more colourful than to actually spell out the whole poem to someone....meaning it can be quite dull to have everyone write a poem with the same set of rules ALL the time, pronoun, schmoenoun...besides, what's a little outlaw like you need with silly little rules anyways  Great offering, thanks, Trevor |
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YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
Caterina, I think this would read better if you started with the last verse instead- this is where the power of what you're saying comes across. The first verse seems trite in comparison though the image itself has potential; I think you could say it better than that. IMO |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Rad, That was a lovely compliment and one that every writer welcomes but my stack of bad poetry outweighs the good ones, I'm afraid-- I will post one soon and you'll see. I think that I am going to leave it as is without adding lover, although at one point I was in favor of it but then I decided to leave it to the reader and trust them to interpret it as such. I do welcome your suggestions though... food for thought, you know. Again, thankyou and I am glad you liked it. Pete, Thanks and seeing where you had no problems with the pronoun and the sun weighed my decision also to leave it as is. Kunoichi, Glad you liked and nice to meet you. Trevor, Yeah, the first draft was a little 'cheesy.'lol I was glad I asked you to take a look at it so I could do a revision before posting. I think I'm happy with it right now the way it stands. Glad you liked and thanks again. YeshuJah, Thanks for your input but I like it as is. The first stanza is setting up the mood for the impact of the last stanza. And from what I have learned, that is the way it's supposed to happen. Although I appreciate your suggestions-- I disagree with you when you state that the 1st stanza is trite . I feel the images in the 1st stanza are strong enough, any more and it would be overdoing it. Thanks everyone, caterina [This message has been edited by caterina (08-29-2002 10:18 PM).] |
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