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Critical Analysis #2
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Heaven for Southern Gentlemen
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Heaven for Southern Gentlemen |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
I imagine the angels balanced on their wooden rockers. Floorboards creek along their tidy porches somewhere in south Georgia. Inside the help is polite, industrious. Outback the littlest ones spring for firelflies. While older brothers amble down along the creek red and white bobbers dangling behind them. Inside their stately dining rooms over polished mahogany, prized family heirlooms, women cup their hands together say things like, “oh my!” While the men exchange solemn nods of approval. After supper the cigars are lit the bourbon poured, as talk turns to local politics. While the wives just knit, and weigh the benefits of old age and manners. As the last guest leaves a tired spring on the old screen door safely seals the estate. Tragedies carefully tucked away along the bookshelves. |
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| © Copyright 2007 guyoverthere - All Rights Reserved | |||
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blister Junior Member
since 2007-08-16
Posts 18here, elsewhere |
I really like this one, friend. This one line especially: While the wives just knit, and weigh the benefits of old age and manners. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Just quickly - you need to proofread more carefully Guy. Floorboards flowing like water? Firelflies? Again however this has a lot going for it. M |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
Thanks moonbeam. I didn't see 'firelflies'. I did see that I used the wrong 'creek' in the second line only after I posted it. Thank you for checking it out. |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
A revision: I imagine the angels balanced on their wooden rockers. Floorboards splintered along their tidy porches somewhere in south Georgia. Inside the help is polite, industrious. Outback the littlest ones spring for fireflies. While older brothers amble down along the creek red and white bobbers dangling behind them. Inside their stately dining rooms over polished mahogany, prized family heirlooms, women cup their hands together say things like, “oh my!” While the men exchange solemn nods of approval. After supper the cigars are lit the bourbon poured, as talk turns to local politics. While the wives just knit, and weigh the benefits of old age and manners. As the last guest leaves a tired spring on the old screen door safely seals the estate. The tragedies all carefully tucked away along the bookshelves. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Guy You are most welcome  I like this poem too. Will try to look tomorrow in more detail when I'm more awake. Regards. M |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Guy This is a step back from your other poem. Again you have a clear talent for creating tone and atmosphere. Your vocabulary is used to good effect, and making images is perhaps your strongest suit right now. Where you fall down is in drawing everything together. Too often, in this poem especially, I find myself thinking that it's bitty, disparate and without much of a point. Yet there IS a point, once again you've taken a simple theme: outer order papering over inner turmoil. You've also picked a neat situation to portray it. Try to think about a plan or progression before you put pen to paper. In this poem I think, for instance, that too much of the impact is left until the very close of the poem. Up to that point (if you except the "splintered floorboards") the reader gets very little in the way of hints. Sometimes you can do this successfully, but in this case I simply found myself thinking: la-di-da ok ok but when is something going to happen? Perhaps the close lacks sufficient impact to carry the contrast to success. In fact I'm sure this is the case, the close itself is gentle. You need perhaps to weave some more subtle pointers into the main body to strengthen the theme. You also need to address your structure, which is weak in all your poems at the moment. Study how the best contemporary poets use lines and strophes. Right now this poem, especially in the last 5 strophes, reads like a list that's just been jotted down as you thought of it. Finally you really really need to learn what a sentence is. "While the men exchange solemn nods of approval." is not a good sentence. In fact it's debatable whether it's a sentence at all once you use "while". Try and do some reading around punctuation and grammar. Finally finally, your poems lean towards the prosy. This is ok, maybe it's going to be your "style", but maybe also take time to find a few lyrical poets and read them. Experiment. Above all don't be discouraged, I have no idea how long you've been writing, but you have a natural talent, and a bias towards the concrete rather than the abstract which, if you are a relative beginner, is a joy to see. Best. M |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
I liked the first one more. I actually felt like I was in the south when I read it. Odd, I don't think any poem as ever done that to me. My grandparents are from the Louisiana, so this brings back many fond memories. Excellent write, I believe that when you hit the jackpot on the first try, you have to walk away (keep the first one) -Paul |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
Thank you moonbeam. Your honesty and your critical eye is something, I not only need, but have been craving for the last three years (that's how long I've been writing). I appreciate you taking the time to read and critique and so you know your time is not wasted; I've just bought my first book on poetry. I'm writing my first poem in iambic pentameter and, while it will never be published, it will be kinda funny and I am learning (I've always been a quick study). I find it amazing that I've waited this long to actually learn the technical language and aspects of poetry. Again, it is important for you to know how much I value the critiques you all provide. Without them, I'd never grow. My sincerest thanks, dave |
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