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Answers?
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Answers? |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Is it wrong to rejoice despite all the coming sorrow? Is it wrong to be in today and look to tomorrow? Do I sin by wanting to go on? Despite those never to see the dawn. Does one commit a crime to want to forget the pain? Can I see in the mirror who I’ve become yet be sane? If I do not wish to speak for my fallen friend Because I only want to deny she’s dead. If I push away those I love because I don’t want them to see my grief If I won’t cry because that’s the only fight I can put up against belief. Am I in trouble to hope for love even knowing some hearts will never stir? Will I be punished for my memories, when the bad are clear and the good blur? Is it wrong to refuse to be beaten when I know I will never win? Where do I go wrong by turning away the future for what has been? Is it bad to live in the moment for the ones who never got to? Is it an error to tell my self lies when I cannot face the truth? Am I mistaken to add my voice to peace though my kindred were silenced by war? I guess I am criminal because my brothers gave their lives and for me that’s too far. I should go to hell because my sisters died for what they believe in and I can only cry. Wicked I guess I am because I will support my countrymen but I won’t fight their fight. Is it wrong that I will sacrifice to be free but not for love or my country? Put me in jail, if I protest your views because I want change, for I am guilty. What makes every child different but our experiences same? Where do these people become cool and the others just stay lame? Am I illicit to call myself a freedom fighter? Should I die for my sagas while calling myself writer? Where do I cross the line between the right and wrong? What’s a mere child to do while she tries to be strong? Flawed at birth because first all babies cry, but I laugh. Disgrace to write my destiny, and erase the past? Who are we to judge one another, and how can we tell what’s right. I don’t know where to turn so I’ll start with getting thru the night. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Rhia. Strong, sustained piece of work. A little hard to tell, though, whether this is studied introspection, a lament, or statement of outrage, since all three elements seem to be combined. Not necessarily a problem. So, some notes and pickety-pickety's Is it wrong to rejoice despite all the coming sorrow? (Semi relevant Note: The Buddha said the First Noble Truth is "Life is Suffering. So embrace it wholeheartedly. I think that may be the idea you allude to in this powerful first line). Is it wrong to be in today and look to tomorrow? Do I sin by wanting to go on (? - dele) Despite those never to see the dawn(?) (The "Despite" line is a little awkward. I understand the sense, but I'm not sure "Despite" is the word you want. This is just me, but I'm inclined toward straight talk. a possibility might be "Despite those who will never see the dawn... Does one commit a crime to want to forget the pain? (OK, in S1, and following, you use "I" pretty consistently. A possibility: "Do I commit a crime wanting to forget the pain?" Can I see in the mirror who I’ve become yet be sane? If I do not wish to speak for my fallen friend (It's)because I (only -dele) want to deny she’s dead. (Not quite sure how last two lines of stanza relate to first two, but these two lines seem to be what supplied the impetus for the poem, so I'd look at the grammar. If I push away those I love because I don’t want them to see my grief (,) If I won’t cry because that’s the only fight I can put up against belief (,) Am I in trouble to hope for love even knowing some hearts will never stir? Will I be punished for my memories, when the bad are clear and the good blur? Is it wrong to refuse to be beaten when I know I will never win? Where do I go wrong by turning away the future for what has been? Is it bad to live in the moment for the ones who never got to? Is it an error to tell my self lies when I cannot face the truth? Am I mistaken to add my voice to peace though my kindred were silenced by war? I guess I am criminal because my brothers gave their lives and for me that’s too far. I should go to hell because my sisters died for what they believe in and I can only cry. Wicked I guess I am because I will support my countrymen but I won’t fight their fight. (I think this stanza can be eliminated as it may not be germane. Plus, there are confusions in the way it reads. At first, when you say "kindred," I thought you meant your kin. Saying "brothers" reinforces this. By saying "sisters" it becomes clearer that you speak universally. If you want to leave it in, I'd work it a bit and eliminate the inversion "Wicked I guess I am..." Is it wrong that I will sacrifice to be free but not for love or my country? Put me in jail, if I protest your views because I want change, (then) I am guilty. What makes every child different but our experiences same? Where do these people become cool and the others just stay lame? (I'd consider eliminating the last two lines. You're going to make a stronger switch to the vernacular in the last line of the poem. I question using this device twice.) Am I illicit to call myself a freedom fighter? Should I die for my sagas while calling myself writer? Where do I cross the line between the right and wrong? What’s a mere child to do while she tries to be strong? (Great stanza. You've brought the poem back to the initial personalized intensity.) (Was I) flawed at birth because (first - dele) all babies cry, (even while) I laugh? (Am I) disgraced to write my destiny, and erase the past? Who are we to judge one another, and how can we tell what’s right(?) I don’t know where to turn. I’ll start with getting thru the night. Hope these thought help a little. BTW: I read three of your poems to wife Deb, and she thinks you're a stitch!  Best, Jim |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Is it wrong to rejoice despite all the coming sorrow? Is it wrong to be in today and look to tomorrow? Do I sin by wanting to go on Despite those who will never see dawn. Does one commit a crime to want to forget the pain? • I wanted this line above to come out two ways they way it does this way. Because it is ‘one commit a crime to want to forget’ it could be , committing a crime because one is forgetting or commiting a crime as an act of forgetting. • Can I see in the mirror who I’ve become yet be sane? If I do not wish to speak for my fallen friend Its because I want to deny she’s dead. * (the relevance was personal experience because my best friend died when I was five years old and even if it didn’t hit me as bad as it could of albeit being bad , its hit me really hard now and I do not know if I would be willing to speak her now it might hurt to much. Also because then I refused to believe it I remember thinking my mom was joking when I found out my friend died, I didn’t think it could be true and continued to live in that type of reality for awhile. Till I had no choice but come to terms) If I push away those I love because I don’t want them to see my grief, If I won’t cry because that’s the only fight I can put up against belief, Am I in trouble to hope for love even knowing some hearts will never stir? Will I be punished for my memories, when the bad are clear and the good blur? Is it wrong to refuse to be beaten when I know I will never win? Where do I go wrong by turning away the future for what has been? Is it bad to live in the moment for the ones who never got to? Is it an error to tell my self lies when I cannot face the truth? Is it a mistake to raise my voice for peace when so many were silenced by war Does that make me a criminal since my neighbors gave their lives and for me that’s too far. I should go to hell because my sisters died for what they believe in and I can only cry. I guess I’m wicked for supporting the troops but still I refuse to give to their cause my life. Is it wrong that I will sacrifice to be free but not for love or my country? Put me in jail, if I protest your views because I want change, for I am guilty. A mother dressed in second hand cloth lifts her three year old son up to shoot the basketball In the same park a wealthy lady kisses her daughters knee after a nasty fall Am I illicit to call myself a freedom fighter? Should I die for my sagas while calling myself writer? Where do I cross the line between the right and wrong? What’s a mere child to do while she tries to be strong? Flawed at birth because first all babies cry, but I laugh. Disgrace to write my destiny, and erase the past? Who are we to judge one another, and how can we tell what’s right. I don’t know where to turn so I’ll start with getting thru the night. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
or instead of the mother line as an alternate One proud working mother spends her hours off playing hide and seek with her son. A lady living with money watches her tiny daughter in the dirt having fun. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Good Job -- I'd look one last time at the punctuationI think there are still a couple of "question's" without question marks. You use question marks pretty consistently, so this is just a tiny touch up. I like both the original and alternative "mother" lines. It's not a toss-up, I see the difference in the two sets. Certainly your call! Sorry you are on triple-secret-probation. Maybe it comes from having posted in teen poetry? Best, Jim |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
What? I am allowed to post this in teen poetry though. Why would I be on probation? |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
rhia -- I was kidding. In one of the threads you mention that you are on "double secret probation" for having certain words censored. Just making a light allusion to your light remark. Jim |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
rhia -- Oops, my bad! I got you confused with another member. It's a function of growing old. Sorry, sorry, sorry! Best, Jim |
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