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Critical Analysis #2
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Another light one
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Another light one |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Poem Unwritten Yesterday revealed such beauty, Seemed to be my solemn duty, I should write a poem no one ever heard. So I sat down at the table, Where I thought I would be able, Pen in hand, I tried but could not write a word. Thus I felt a bit unstable, As I found myself unable, Words of praise I could not write for thoughts deterred. Beauty, though exposed to vision, Gave me naught but indecision, Nothing worthy came to mind. It seemed absurd. |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi Pete, Yeah, this has happened to me more times that I can remember and I'm sure that anyone else that reads it will relate quite readily. A nice light poem and I enjoyed. caterina |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
I like this poem very much! Thanks for sharing! [This message has been edited by Radrook (08-21-2002 12:59 PM).] |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello Pete, I know you think its another light one but in all honesty its a pretty decent poem and writer's block is not a funny topic!!!...well, at least not when you're blocked up  "Yesterday revealed such beauty,(4) Seemed to be my solemn duty,(4) I should write a poem no one ever heard.(6) So I sat down at the table,(4) Where I thought I would be able,(4) Pen in hand, I tried but could not write a word.(6)" I really liked the first three lines of this poem. Also "word"-"heard" rhyme came through nicely for me. "Thus I felt a bit unstable,(4) As I found myself unable,(4) Words of praise I could not write for thoughts deterred.(6) Beauty, though exposed to vision,(4) Gave me naught but indecision,(4) Nothing worthy came to mind. It seemed absurd.(6)" Another good stanza, I really like the premise of the writer being indecisive because of all the beauty and the notion that none of it was deserving to be written about because nothing was worthy in comparison to the all the beauty. One thing I found troubling about this stanza was that the "deterred" - "absurd" rhyme was almost non-existant. The rhyme seemed lost when I read it. So I measured the lines and the meter seems solid. I dunno if anyone else had this problem, maybe its just the way I'm reading it? But maybe also it is where the break is on the very last line, I couldn't help but read it with a long break not only because of the period but also because of the stresses, and maybe that is what's losing the rhyme for me. Just something to keep in mind if you decide to rewrite. I'm not usually a fan of this type of format, but I think I'm developing a crush on this style... cause the last few I've read by various authors I really kinda sorta liked...and I've been thinking about trying my own. Thanks for the enjoyable read. Trevor |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Cat, thanks for reading and replying. I'm glad you enjoyed. Rad, thank you for your input. It would, however, throw the meter off. Trev, thanks for taking the time for a more in-depth critique than this little bit probably deserves. I don't see why you are having a problem with the deterred/absurd rhyme but I do agree on the break of flow in the last line. I always felt that way but I just haven't been able to come up with a better way. Maybe I'll go back and work on it some more. Also, I am pleased to hear that you are beginning to appreciate the form. At least I think that is what you are saying. I do enjoy it as this is about the third one I have written along these lines. I wish I could take credit for inventing it but I'm sure all will see the similarity to an old Irish poem, author unknown. quote: Fun stuff, huh? Pete Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr Geez, I can't type today  [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (08-20-2002 12:15 PM).] |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Personally, I liked the longer pause at the end of the last line. I think it provided some emphasis... but I genreally like poetry to be a little asymetrical, so take that with a grain of salt. Anyway, this is cute.... why the writer's block so often lately? I am writing graffiti on your body |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I wish I knew the answer to that. I'm not very prolific anyway though. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Pete: I liked the poem and it is no surprise to me that the others liked it too. It is well constructed and deals with a condition all who write deal with from time to time. Even the vague reference to beauty satisfies me, because it evokes my own, personal picture of beauty without interrupting the read. My only nit is with the third line. Arguably, the meter is iambic, but I had to force myself to stress "one". I don't think substituting a trochaic foot in this portion of the line works particularly well, and this caused me to stumble each time I read it. I suppose the question could be raised as to whether "poem" is mon- or bi-syllabic. In this case, I would lean toward monosyllabic (the "second" syllable in "po-em" is so short and subtle in time to my ear that I think you could get away with it). Otherwise, I enjoyed the read. Habt und guten tag. Jim |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Hello, Pete! My first read through found your poem to be okay. When I saw Jim's comment and read the poem again, out loud, I would have to agree that the ear gets a thud on "one". Just to let you know...I've had this feeling way too much... I'd like to see some more from you along this line! [This message has been edited by Sunshine (06-23-2003 02:19 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Jim and Karilea, Honestly I don't see your problem with line 3. It is not iambic at all. In fact the entire poem is trochaic. Try as I might, I can't read that line any way other than, I should / WRITE a / PO-em / NO one / EV-er / HEARD As you can see, there is no need to try forcing a stress on one and poem drips off naturally too, I think. If I'm wrong here, let me know what you think. Thanks, Pete |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Okay. You got me on the trochaic meter. But I still think the shortness of the "second" syllable of "poem" trips my read slightly. Sorry for the oversight. My bad. Jim |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Ok Jim, how about, I should write a verse like no one ever heard. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Pete: That rings better to my ear. Did I mention I enjoyed the poem? Jim |
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han_tigger Member
since 2002-08-10
Posts 50Thundersley, Essex, Uk |
I know the feeling well, as i think most poets do. Yesterday revealed such beauty, Seemed to be my solemn duty, I should write a poem no one ever heard. So I sat down at the table, Where I thought I would be able, ~This rhyme seems to spoil the poem somewhat, perhaps free verse would be better.~ Pen in hand, I tried but could not write a word. Thus I felt a bit unstable, As I found myself unable, ~this rhyme works better than the pevious, so perhaps an irregular ryming sceme could work better.~ Words of praise I could not write for thoughts deterred. Beauty, though exposed to vision, Gave me naught but indecision, ~ again works well~ Nothing worthy came to mind. It seemed absurd. ~this ending seems cut short, perhaps extending it would help.~ Hannah http://www.geocities.com/han_tigger/HannahInglis.html |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
I really enjoyed this one, Pete... I often have writer's block, and find that reading poetry... any really good poetry, gets me out of my rut and starts me writing again... I agree with Hannah... This poem would be much more expressive in free verse... you wouldn't be bound by meter or rhyme and I think that your message would be much clearer. Certain poems just don't work in rhyme and I think this is one of them... Try it and see what comes out...  Lyra |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hannah and Lyra, Thank you ladies for reading and commenting. Although I am sure you are right in saying that free verse would allow more expression, in this particular case, the rhyme and meter are the poem. It could surely be redone as FV but then it would be an entirely differnet poem. Since free verse is not my thing, I'll leave that effort to others while I try something new. Thanks again, Pete |
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YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
Pete, this is a beautiful poem. I don't do nits well so I'll refrain, in any case most everything's been said; but you have, in my mind, nailed down this most illusive of feeling- that of having material right in front of you that does not materialize, at least not so the stunned writer can capture it in verse- Can't tell you how many times this has happened to me. I enjoyed this immensely. Good stuff. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Just coming back by to tell you that you've taught me a lot...and I am very appreciative of that!  |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Hi Pete, I really like this poem, and I too think that the meter and rhyme is one of the strengths of this poem. I also agree with you about line 3...I didn't have any issue with the word ONE and I read it exactly like you intended (with the accents in the right places). I thought this was a clever little poem about writer's block...something I think we all experience at some point (with the exception of one poet I know who has the opposite of "block" -- he cannot stop writing, it is like an illness!) BTW, I like to refer to writer's block as "Verbal constipation" -- a nasty, evil name for a nasty, evil experience! Anyway, great poem, and thanks for all your help with my poetry thus far! Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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