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Critical Analysis #2
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For Lump, Under Covers
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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For Lump, Under Covers |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Like Jimmy Smith at the Hammond B3, I need a new voice, a different choreography of tone and touch. Stride piano doesn’t cut it, Lump, and the needle’s stuck on “Nocturne.” I sit beside you in the guise of service, but I’m rarely here. I’ve lost the confidence in my old tunes; they weren’t working anyway. It’s not indifference, it’s theft by inattention. What can I give you other than full song? You’re dying, Lump, even as I look away. I need a new voice, Lump, a presence that speaks to you like the Hammond spoke to Jimmy Smith. [This message has been edited by Brad (05-13-2007 01:08 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 Jim Aitken - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
This is great. I think that you can drop "a the Hammond B3" If you don't have the cultural literacy to know who Jimmy Smith or the smarts to google him quickly - then the write is wasted on them anyway. I sort of get the Lump thing - is it reference to a record? It seems wierd. Clarification or elemination. Nice one though Dane |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Why, thank you Dane. Jimmy Smith at the Hammond B3 is a cultural reference that dates me. You've got a reasonable point. I wonder about caving into cultural literacy. I also recognize that younger people may not be aware that Jimmy Smith was the first jazz keyboardist to take the Hammond seriously. I wasn't trying to be purposefully obscure, and the reference fits the notion of finding a new voice. (What is truly obscure is that "Jimmy Smith at the Hammond B3 is a reference to "Peter Quince at the Clavier..." Let me think on that one. "Lump" is the person under the covers, and a reflection of my cowardice when trying a different form. I didn't have the courage to personalize it and use "Love." Might that help? Best, Jim |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Thanks for the clarification: Let me be clear: I by no means am critiqing your obscurity. Who says you don't have to work when reading poetry! Very much enjoy the angle your are coming from. The Lump thing makes sense. You may want to add some sort of poetic definition in your write to clarify that point. Very good Carry on Dane |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Smooth flow, no kinks. nice job, -Paul |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi! I tried to edit this again, mainly adding a new title that makes more sense, but it has been way past the 24 hour deadline. New title is: For Lump, Under Covers. Does this help? Best, Jim |
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