»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
The sky is a contusion (I'm sick of posting 'untitled's)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
The sky is a contusion (I'm sick of posting 'untitled's) |
|
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
The sky is a contusion all cobalt but lightening on the edge- lavender seems to be lifting the yellowed rim of a wound a little too soon and as the swelling of a woman’s eye subsides, as the subsidies of a man’s fist ebb into the shapeshifting features of morning laced with coumadin, he tells her “It’s all about distribution, baby- better you than my boss…” and she wonders why his mistakes become her loss, but the question stays unspoken- better a beer in his hand than her throat, and her acquiescence keeps the forceful muscle of demand at bay, while she looks at herself illuminated by the TV glow from shaded windows, seeing in the mirror the cerulean merging point of day and night, wishing she could ride the longitude of dawn and hide in limbo indefinitely. Note: coumadin is a blood thinner Okay... title suggestions are needed... and I think the end might need work... the last two lines use all these soft-sounding words... does it need more oomph? A sharper edge, to match the tone of the rest of the poem? Also is the meaning of 'better a beer in his hand/ than her throat' clear, because when I read it, I keep jumbling the meaning to myself, but it might just be me. Does it need to be reworded? Thanks in advance. I am writing graffiti on your body |
||
| © Copyright 2002 hush - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
OK [This message has been edited by Radrook (08-18-2002 08:36 AM).] |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Sigh.... did I go overboard? Please accept my apology for harshness... I stand by my point, but not necessarily my method. I can be a very reactionary person. I am writing graffiti on your body I am drawing the story of how hard we tried -Ani DiFranco [This message has been edited by hush (08-19-2002 12:47 AM).] |
||
|
Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hiya Hush, Now I'm a little tenative about critiquing after ya blasted into Radrook. Please be gentle with me, remember we are all here trying to be helpful in our own clumsy ways  "The sky is a contusion all cobalt but lightening on the edge-" Consider dropping "all" and replacing "but" with, "with". "all" seems unnecessary. "lavender seems to be lifting the yellowed rim of a wound a little too soon" "lavender" seems unappropriate as a description considering the metaphor drawn with cobalt, which is black not lavender...or is cobalt lavender? Dunno, must've skipped that geology class But I do like the metaphor between a turmoiled sky and an abused woman's face. Or am I wrong about the metaphor, is cobalt the man and lightening his fits? I know you don't like explaining your work, and maybe you shouldn't, just be nice to know, for my sake, how well I am interpreting a poem. It helps me with my own work, so I too can draw different layers into a piece."and as the swelling of a woman’s eye subsides, as the subsidies of a man’s fist ebb into the shapeshifting features of morning laced with coumadin," I really liked the wording for this section, btw thanks for the lowdown on coumadin, saved me some time looking it up. "he tells her “It’s all about distribution, baby- better you than my boss…” This is about the only part I really didn't care for. The dialogue seems forced. I dunno, have you known anyone to say this after striking their wife? I could be wrong. I know it might not be meant literally and lends itself well to the next lines but maybe consider rewording. "and she wonders why his mistakes become her loss, but the question stays unspoken- better a beer in his hand than her throat," I don't think you have to worry about the "beer in his hand" confusion. Thought it was smooth and understood. In fact I liked it very much. "and her acquiescence keeps the forceful muscle of demand at bay, while she looks at herself illuminated by the TV glow from shaded windows, seeing in the mirror" Consider chopping away the last line in this section, seems confusing a bit, or maybe its just me....if you were refering to her seeing the outside in a mirror, "the cerulean..." than it doesn't make much sense for her to look into a mirror and see outside...unless of course she sees the limbo she can not obtain upon her face as in longing for? Then keep it. But I get the feeling you were going for her literally looking outside and wanting for the next day not to come. If so maybe consider rewording or like I suggested, chopping broccolli. Other than that, solid....though it took me a bit'o'time to get used to acquiescence."the cerulean merging point of day and night, wishing she could ride the longitude of dawn and hide in limbo indefinitely." Nice ending. Wraps it up wonderfully. I don't think you need more "punch" to this piece. I think if you do put more zest, it might lose the tone of a complacent woman and sound more like an angry one. I think you've done a great job capturing the longing of a trapped women in both words, and like I said, in tone as well. Also I really liked the title, it gives no hints as to what the subject is about yet it fits in nicely with the poem. One more thing before I go, I liked fromat and the fact that you didn't use any line breaks, thought it suited the poem. Anyways, that's my two loonies worth. I really enjoyed this poem. Thanks for the read. Trevor |
||
|
Toad Member
since 2002-06-16
Posts 161 |
I know you asked for opinions on specific points but: Every time I read this I get the urge to insert ‘blue’ after cobalt in the second line, to make it work though you may need a semicolon at the end of the first line and lose ‘all’ from the start of the second. Why? (I knew you’d ask) Well if you do it that way it emphasises and segregates the statement of the first line (which is great btw) from the explanation of why you think the sky looks that way. Perhaps the shift from the sky to the woman’s injury would be better if it were more gradual, the comparison is excellent but a smoother transition would make it extra special, but that would just be icing. Back to your points. “Title suggestion” The first line is strong enough to use if you want to take the easy route, but that would be a waste, a good title adds a lot to a poem, words are a precious resource so using them twice is slightly wasteful. I tried working with black and blue hoping to find some way of tying it to skies but failed miserably. The closest I got was- Bruised Dawn – the inclusion of Dawn introduces the sky bit and the fact that Dawn is a female name seemed to work too, but I’m not sure, is it too…cheesy? “does the end bit work” Yes, my only suggestion would be to add ‘its’ or ‘this’ into the last line, it makes the limbo more specifically tied to the dawn. “better a beer” I read it ok, you could fuzzy it up a bit and give the reader two images in one by removing the ‘a’. That would allow the double meaning of ‘his hand and her throat’ and ‘ beer and her throat’ but that all depends on how you want to paint her, would she drink beer? Just my thoughts – use them or lose them |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Trevor- quote: By lightening, I don't mean the weather condition of lightning... I'm using it as a gerund of the verb 'lighten.' Does that clarify a bit? Point taken on 'all.' '"lavender" seems unappropriate as a description considering the metaphor drawn with cobalt, which is black not lavender...or is cobalt lavender?' Here.... I'll definitely consider Toad's suggestion on adding 'blue' to cobalt... I had the crayola color of deep blue in mind. This is taken directly from a drive home from work- I drive about 1/2 hour home, pretty much a straight shot east... and I watched as dark blue lightened to lavender on the horizon... and it seemed like there was a yellow border between the two colors... so, this is pretty much true-life... er, the sunrise, that is.'I know you don't like explaining your work,' It's not that I don't like to, I just feel that some things shouldn't have to be explained... if they do, it's my fault, as a writer, for being too nebulous. Anyway, the metaphor is the woman's face. 'This is about the only part I really didn't care for. The dialogue seems forced. I dunno, have you known anyone to say this after striking their wife?' First of all, you have to understand that I've just finished reading Atlas Shrugged after working on it all summer, so my pattern of thought has been considerably influence by Ayn Rand- hence the 'distribution' bit. In fact, that line was my core line... the line I had in mind when I set out to write the poem. Basically, the man is dodging blame... he's focused displaced anger on the woman, and presumably, according to his comment, he was angry at his boss, had a bad day at work, took it out on her. Also, in context- his hand is around a beer- the reader might conclude that he's had a few before this one, and maybe more likely to say melodramatic things like 'it's about distribution.' Also, the 'dawn' metaphor, the lightening of the sky, is referring to the lightening of her bruise. He isn't saying this directly after he hit her... it's a few days down the line... he's more calm, he sees her maybe doctoring it, and he might be using rationalization (and drinking) as a coping mechanism for the guilt he now feels. I wanted him to say something more in-depth and revealing than 'c'mon baby, it wasn't my fault... I had a bad day at work...' The bit about: 'from shaded windows, seeing in the mirror the cerulean merging point' I wanted to give the impression of this woman looking at herself in the pale light of dawn... and seeing herself as the 'merging point'... another word for dawn. The original metaphor here was the sky and her black eye.... now it's the sky/eye representing her... or, put more clearly... she see's herself as the sum of her wound, and all those previous and all those she knows are coming. She wants to stay at dawn (the healing of a wound) because it's the only solace she has... he won't hit her until she's fully healed (or until he's awake in the coming day)... so as long as she's still hurt (he's still asleep) she's safe... Thanks for the comments... with my explainations, does this make more sense? Are there points I should clarify more, to lead readers more in this direction? thanks. Toad- Thanks for the suggestion on 'blue.' And also... I absolutely LOVE 'Bruised Dawn.' It's perfect. I am writing graffiti on your body |
||
|
serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I never come here, and I hope you appreciate the irony of this, but it was your title, that brought me here. I had to smile, being a veteran of both storms and love-war--and a sky that wakes like an eye-swollen shut? well, let's just say that only light shed on stormy weather can make it become beautiful. You managed the underlying psychology with a deftness that has to make me wonder--about you, and from where your wisdom comes. This has silence, but is heavy with static electricity, that breezeless "still" in the air, with a presence of danger that makes a woman wonder where her children are... In short? You have left me, "hushed." Quietly devastating. |
||
|
serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Came back to add, I'VE LIVED THIS. And? I think it portrays the situation, perfectly. [This message has been edited by serenity blaze (08-19-2002 01:28 AM).] |
||
|
Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hiya Hush, "By lightening, I don't mean the weather condition of lightning... I'm using it as a gerund of the verb 'lighten.' Does that clarify a bit? Point taken on 'all.'" My spelling is awful, I've always thought lightning was spelled lightening...uggg...time to go through all my work and look for lightening I guess I learn something new everyday....now if only someone could show me how to do up these damn shoelaces. It makes a lot more sense with your clarification...thanks I'm such a lost puppy some nights."It's not that I don't like to, I just feel that some things shouldn't have to be explained... if they do, it's my fault, as a writer, for being too nebulous. Anyway, the metaphor is the woman's face." I like the fact that the reader has to work for the meanings...I'm just taking advantage of the fact that the author is present. Like I said in my statement, it really helps me with my interpretive skills. SO many different styles to read, it sometimes makes it difficult to discern literal from metaphorical. "First of all, you have to understand that I've just finished reading Atlas Shrugged after working on it all summer, so my pattern of thought has been considerably influence by Ayn Rand- hence the 'distribution' bit. In fact, that line was my core line... the line I had in mind when I set out to write the poem. Basically, the man is dodging blame... he's focused displaced anger on the woman, and presumably, according to his comment, he was angry at his boss, had a bad day at work, took it out on her." Great focal point and I understand where you were going with those lines, just thought the dialogue was a bit contrived. It seemed out of place a bit...but it does lend itself well to the following lines: "but the question stays unspoken- better a beer in his hand than her throat," So maybe leave it in. I just wanted to point it out for consideration for future revisions. "she see's herself as the sum of her wound, and all those previous and all those she knows are coming. She wants to stay at dawn (the healing of a wound) because it's the only solace she has... he won't hit her until she's fully healed (or until he's awake in the coming day)... so as long as she's still hurt (he's still asleep) she's safe..." I seeee. Yeah I wasn't really sure if you were being literal or metaphorical with this description. Reconsider my suggestion for chopping "seeing in the mirror", that way it still keeps its metaphorical meaning....a couple lines before you already state she's looking at herself, perhaps rearranging those lines might allow a you to be able to smoothly chop "seeing herself...": "and her acquiescence keeps the forceful muscle of demand at bay, illuminated by the TV glow in shaded windows, she looks at herself, the cerulean merging point of day and night," I dunno, might help eliviate any possible confusion about the metaphor while keeping the meaning in tact and removing possible repetition. What'cha think? "Thanks for the comments... with my explainations, does this make more sense? Are there points I should clarify more, to lead readers more in this direction? " Well it definitely makes more sense now that I know how to spell lightning geesh...I'm still blushing in embarrasement...forgive me, I was born disabled, I am a Canadian...we spell everything funny up here As I said before, I like that the reader works, if you want to call reading poetry work...The only suggestion I have to clarify it more is the above one mentioned.And I have to say it again, nice poem, really enjoyed it, thanks, Trevor |
||
|
serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
"but the question stays unspoken- better a beer in his hand than her throat," I know I'm out of place here, but this is the realism of the piece. If you want to argue that out of the equation, you should know, that is not easily done. In fact, it's just that argument that starts a war...If you want me to go back and count syllables? No way. This is truth, graffiti on a bad house spoiled by violence. Don't touch a word, hush. |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hush: I liked this (I liked the title too). Whether you intended it or not, I detected a few layers of metaphor in the first line. First, I thought the sky could be (1) representative of what the coming day is likely to bring, (2) a symbolic representation of the woman's face, and (3) perhaps a metophor for the hopelessness of the woman (compared to "a new day" or a new start). Your use of the word "coumadin" is telling of the brutality of the beating (unless things have changed over the years, this suggests to me that the woman was hospitalized following her most recent thrashing. "and as the swelling of a woman’s eye subsides, as the subsidies of a man’s fist ebb into the shapeshifting features of morning laced with coumadin, he tells her" These lines seemed to run on and I had to go back at least once. A very simple suggestion, but I think if you move "and" to the place before the second "as", I think this will improve the flow of this strophe. More of a grammatical tweak than a substantive one (I think think the substance is strong and effective and, for the most part, your word choice is clever). Maybe because I see "hopelessness" as being the strongest feeling conveyed by your poem, I think your title works well. I think the last two lines of the poem reinforce this understanding of the poem. The line you seem to have concern about (the "beer in his hand" line), I originally thought, because of the construction of the lines, that the beer, not his hand, was the object tied to "throat". To ease this, I might attempt to paint the picture of the man's hand wrapped around a can or bottle of beer. I got your meaning after the second read, but I think the impact (no pun intended) would have been stronger if I would have grasped (again no pun) your meaning during the first read. Now I'll take a look at the others' comments to see how far off the mark I am. Thanks for the read. Jim |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Personally, I liked and immediately understood the "beer and throat" line. At least I think I did. To me that's really the whole poem. Not really, of course, but still important and I like it as presented. Other than that, I wish I had been here over the weekend for all the excitement that I seem to have missed. thanks, Pete Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr P.S. Maybe you can change coumadin to something more descriptive so you don't have to explain it to your readers. [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (08-19-2002 02:50 PM).] |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
She didn't have to explain it to me, Pete.  |
||
|
caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi hush, Your poem is great and comes through loud and clear. I don't really see any problem with the last two lines at all, it works for me and IMO I would leave them as is. She is wishing so it should sound a little bit softer, no? The-- beer in hand... came out fine for me too but I was wandering with the throat line if you might consider going with-- than fingerprints on her throat or -- than wrapped around her throat... something like that giving that line more oomph. Also, when I read the line " keeps the forceful muscle" I re-read it again with " keeps the flexed muscle of demand" it just automatically came to mind so I figured I'd pass it along to you, something to think about. You've done a great job here, I wouldn't change too much if anything at all. I do have a couple of suggestions for titles, such as Casuality The Injured Party Scapegoat don't know if you like, but I'll think on it some more. caterina |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Jim- interesting take on teh coumadin bit- I hadn't considered that... I just thought coumadin an apt conveyor her becuase my mom has to take it, and she bruises very easily... I thought it was conducive (sp?) to the imagery. Anyway, thanks everyone for the suggestions and compliments on this... I must say, I'm pretty proud of it. So, here's a revision... a few tweaks... I implemented some suggestions from you guys, and I also worked on a contradiction of tense (I decided that there needed to be more progression from 'he tells her' to the morning, so I added a line to try and clarify)... I also fooled around with a few images. Further comments are, once again, greatly appreciated. The sky is a contusion cobalt blue, lightening on the edge- lavender seems to be lifting the yellowed rim of a wound a little too soon as the swelling of a woman’s eye subsides, and as the subsidies of a man’s fist ebb into the shapeshifting features of morning laced with coumadin, he tells her “It’s all about distribution, baby- better you than my boss…” and she wonders why his mistakes become her loss, but the question stays unspoken- better his hand on a beer than around her throat, and her acquiescence keeps the forceful muscle of demand at bay, passed-out drunk in the recliner while she looks at herself illuminated by the deadscreen glow from shaded windows, seeing the fading moon of her face in the mirror, the cerulean merging point of day and night, wishing she could ride the longitude of dawn and hide in limbo indefinitely. I am writing graffiti on your body |
||
|
Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hiya Hush, I liked all your revisions except what you did with it near the ending. I thought you became too wordy. "herself illuminated by the deadscreen glow from shaded windows, It kinda now reads as if she is illuminated by the tv glow coming from other people's windows. "seeing the fading moon of her face in the mirror," I didn't think these lines added anything to the poem at all and to be honest they, in my opinion are really weak in comparison to the rest of this wonderful poem. I know you probably don't want to hear it but I'm sticking by my suggestion of having it something like: "illuminated by the TV glow in shaded windows, she looks at herself, the cerulean merging point of day and night," For me it just reads much better this way and personally I think it keeps the meaning you were going for and is closer to the style and tone you started the poem with...although you would know if it more accurately represents your vision a lot better than I would Thanks, Trevor |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
