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Critical Analysis #2

Earthen Palisade

neoprose
New Member

since 2007-03-17

Posts 6
NSW, Australia

0 posted 2007-03-17 04:32 AM

We of the earth, take from the sands;
I of the air bow to all skies, from grace not command.
From a single feather; my skin that is shed,
falling ever so elusively, not to cause a shake,
down into the abyss of some earthen, woven place.
Drifting, almost to caress the air
into some other worlds of quaking with no reason to care.
Not to taste the ground, hungry away
is it by the earth; of we, of this land.
As I in the sky can fall from without
footsteps; we of some earth feed fast into the sand.

As one and we; from the bounds of it
lays the beast from inside.
Confer to consider another as plunder by wit.
To breach and ponder, to hide
through the many of I
there is a surface that cradles,

softly; cruelling the marksmanship

that guides some light.
Oh! Girth of amorphous intention
guide I as the many.
For in the moon light I change...

Softly; cruelling as I am the beast.

From this rapture of nature of things,
of birth and life; destined to be a virtue of some sunlight.
I peel away as I am chained by my sandy kin.
If not to be as I as the sunlight bids favour to the earth;
I fall unworthy of thy bidding. Unworthy as unto not needing
I am connubial from and to the earth.
From this gratuitous poise unsex thee now and onto the crags
I lay in rest as not we but now.
Reassure thee this casualty of breath
as benign of to comprise.

Grace I, the sea, from the air to fall to no earth,
as to chance a void where unto I, became whole again.
We return to favour some divine intention
that diverges as a lark for some earthen creature;
some courteous  perversion of nourishment.
To feed not upon mine own as mine body belong
not to I but below as to opt unto the sands.
Yet foolishly to feed on self in another form upon
image but relentlessly to close an open eye.
Sneering at the earth; from what she beholds,
softly; cruelling the marksmanship.
For in the moon light I change...

Softly; cruelling as I am the beast.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-03-25 06:25 PM

quote:
We of the earth, take from the sands;I of the air bow to all skies, from grace not command.From a single feather; my skin that is shed, falling ever so elusively, not to cause a shake, down into the abyss of some earthen, woven place. Drifting, almost to caress the air into some other worlds of quaking with no reason to care. Not to taste the ground, hungry away is it by the earth; of we, of this land. As I in the sky can fall from without footsteps; we of some earth feed fast into the sand.

Start to use punctuate properly. I've knocked off the linebreaks here to try to show that what you are saying isn't really saying anything at all. Linebreaks are never an excuse for poor structure.

I don't mind difficult poetry, but the difficulty should be there for a reason, not to obscure what, if anything, you want to say. Your use of prepositions, archaisms, and other 'tricks' to sound pretentious is, in other pieces, simply a curtain to hide the vacuous nature of what you're writing about.

None of this would bother me if the piece sounded good. It doesn't (though it doesn't sound good because of some of the mistakes listed above). You can scream all you want that I need to spend more time with this piece, but when a band is out of tune, why do I have to listen?

Still, there is a glimmer of hope here. I just wonder if you see it.

Good luck.

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