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jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

0 posted 2002-08-16 07:40 AM

If ire slowly bleeds from ripped flesh
And if I can hear the Ohm again
In the cable's rhythmic whisper,
Then maybe I can purge
My nicotine stained soul
Of weakness –

Or with reps and sets,
Exercise the haunts of days past
To bind this aversive aching,
Singing sharply against the iron's ringing strain
That mocks harmony
And denies me the bliss
Of oblivion –

But life is an offense to reason
When "Why?" and "How?"
Burn in my thoughts unanswered
And against them, there is no gain
When green eyes drift ever-present through my inner void
Staring
When I want to be alone –

So as muscles fail
Before my set is done
And as my heavy heart labors
To force
A final rep,
Baptizing beads remind me stingingly
There is no expiation for love.

Gabriel Frost
Member

since 2002-08-15

Posts 216
Between midnight thoughts

1 posted 2002-08-16 11:53 AM

This is a great and in depth poem.Truthfully, love stands undefined by reason, yet i'm sure within the chambers of the heart lies the explanation for love just as life itself.

Radrook
Senior Member

since 2002-08-09

Posts 648

2 posted 2002-08-16 12:44 PM

Deep of thought and excellently expressed!

God Bless!

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

3 posted 2002-08-17 12:15 PM

I like this.

My only nit:

'When green eyes drift ever-present through my inner void'

The length of this line tripped me up a little, both visually and with reading. Maybe you could break it down...

'When green eyes drift
ever-present through my inner void'

or

'When green eyes drift ever-present
through my inner void'

In my opinion, either would be an improvement, and you can focus the reader's attention on the line differently, depending on where you chose to make the break.

Hope I've helped.

I am writing graffiti on your body
I am drawing the story of how hard we tried

-Ani DiFranco

Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

4 posted 2002-08-18 05:23 AM

Heya Jim-a-lima,

How is this madcap thing called life treating ya? Okay, enough of me schmoozing you so you don't taekwando my braincap after I tear up...errrr, critique your poem.

"If ire slowly bleeds from ripped flesh
And if I can hear the Ohm again
In the cable's rhythmic whisper,
Then maybe I can purge
My nicotine stained soul
Of weakness –"

At first it took me a second...well I confess, minutes, to get the meaning of ripped flesh. At first I thought you meant literally, as in tore apart...yeah, I'm a tad slow at times. I reeeeallly liked the "Ohm" line, worked well. Thought perhaps you could use more original wording for the nicotine stained line. Seems a little weak with the cliched "soul" in there. All in all a good opening stanza.

"Or with reps and sets,
Exercise the haunts of days past
To bind this aversive aching,
Singing sharply against the iron's ringing strain
That mocks harmony
And denies me the bliss
Of oblivion –"

Another good stanza. One suggestion is the second line seems flat wording wise in comparison to the rest of this stanza. But like I said, good stanza whether or not you change it.

"But life is an offense to reason
When "Why?" and "How?"
Burn in my thoughts unanswered
And against them, there is no gain
When green eyes drift ever-present through my inner void
Staring
When I want to be alone –"

To be perfectly honest Jim, I don't understand this stanza. Maybe its the time of night or is this considered day...5am...or the wording. I just don't understand what you are trying to convey. Perhaps if you have the time you could elaborate for this ig'nant feller...remember, I'm a Canuck...we talk a little bit slower and don't use so many of yous city folks fancy type words

"So as muscles fail
Before my set is done
And as my heavy heart labors
To force
A final rep,
Baptizing beads remind me stingingly
There is no expiation for love."

Okay, so I'm back on track now...I think

I liked the stanza, though "heavy heart labors" seems a bit of an overused phrase. Maybe also think of something a little more descrip. other than "force". I liked the last line and "expiation", yes I had to look that one up

Anyways, an enjoyable read except for that one stanza which kinda through me off track. Take care,

Trevor

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

5 posted 2002-08-19 07:06 AM

Trev:

Thanks for the crit. You confirmed my thoughts about the weak lines in the poem.  The strophe you didn't "get" is my least favorite.  I'll work on it.

Hush:

Thanks for the suggestions.  I'll implement one of your suggestions when I rework the strophe.  Thanks.

Gabriel:

Thanks for the comments, although I cannot say I am agreement with your optimistic outlook on the subject.  After all, can feelings truly be explained ... or merely described?  And if I do, by chance, happen upon an explanation, how do I know I've not inadvertantly explained heartburn?  Sounds like a Philosophy thread ... but thanks for the comments anyway.

Radrook:

Thanks for reading.

Jim

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