»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
An experiment in Sonnets
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
An experiment in Sonnets |
|
|
AustinFromNyc New Member
since 2007-02-22
Posts 6 |
Hello, For the last few years I've been composing spoken word poetry but find the lack of form annoying. So I'm making an effort to educate myself in the different poetic forms. I've just joined the forums and look forward to reading others work. Here are the first two sonnets I have ever composed (as of today) They are untitled and I am open to suggestions. Please be as brutal and honest as you can be. Thanks When I was a child I dreamt of naïve possibilities. Consumed with the notion of my inflated self worth. I was hope. An infallible mentality. The world lavished attention on me. I was young and the future, they made me believe. That the romance would last forever. That time would stand still. Locked in a constant state of media adoration. As I grew older that would soon end. The spot light would shift to brighter stars. My determination to hold onto the past would have to bend, To the weight of inevitability none can transcend. Yet one can not lament to long on an infatuation doomed to taper off. For it is what we do in the here now, without forced expectations that determines the course of men. She sleeps peacefully by my side. I have awakened three minutes before the alarm. It is not quite day and not quite night. A soft gasp escapes her as I turn, depriving her of the heat my body provides. Time moves quicker in between yawns and restless fidgeting. Ten minutes at work and ten minutes in bed are separated by an eternity. I sigh and watch her sleep. Unconcerned by the pressures and problems that may lie ahead. Time be damned! An angel rests in my bed. I want to linger forever. Except that reality and responsibility intrude. One must work if love is to survive. With a heave I throw myself into my daily routine. I pause, hovering over her I whisper my love and my goodbyes. |
||
| © Copyright 2007 AustinFromNyc - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
lifeonly Junior Member
since 2006-10-18
Posts 18Ontario, Canada |
If you wish to truly follow the form of the sonnet, I would suggest researching the meter and rhyme schemes present in them. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonnet |
||
|
MoonShadow Senior Member
since 2001-08-02
Posts 943Dark side of the Moon. |
I agree with Lifeonly. Sonnets have a structure that leave little room for deviation. Although they have 14 lines... they distinctive Iambic Pentameter meter requires ten syllables, equating to five foot meters. The rhyme scheme is also set, depending upon whether the sonnet is categorically 'spencerian', 'Petrarcian', etc. The stanzas are also set off in either two sextains (six lines) followed by a closing couplet (two lines)or three separate quatrains (four lines each) followed by a closing couplet (two lines). Unfortunately there is very little deviation or lattitude when you chose to use the sonnet form. I too suggest you take the time to take a look at the structural limitations that qualify a sonnet. Good Luck. MoonShadow |
||
|
AustinFromNyc New Member
since 2007-02-22
Posts 6 |
Thank you for the advice. Its been very helpful. I had a limited grasp of what the structure was from reading my poetry book. You've shed alot of light on it for me. So here is the revision I've been working on at work for the past few hours between helping customers. When I was a child, completely naive. Consumed with the notion of my self worth I was hope, or so I came to believe. The world lavished attention upon me. And I would hold onto that till the last Swooning in media adoration. Until a new star born and I the past. Falling in love with their new fixation My clinging to before would have to end Can't regret inevitablity A new future had come when I turned ten. High demand for predictability. The cultures darling I no longer am. I'm the future. expectations be damned! |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Sorry Austin but I'm afraid the only thing you have here that represents a sonnet is 14 lines. Your meter and rhyme scheme seem to be non-existant. Start here and look at any number of other sources for what constitutes a sonnet. There are also many examples in this forum. Un til you have studied enough to understand the requirements, I have to suggest that you halt immediately attempting to write something such as this and refer to it as a sonnet. I don't intend to be mean but a sonnet is a very specific thing. Simply writing something and calling it a sonnet does not work. True, you may call it a poem as that is a nebulous term, at best. A sonnet or any other specificically defined form is something entirely different. When you have some grasp of the requirements, I do hope you will come back and try again. If so, you will surely get all the help here you could hope for. |
||
|
AustinFromNyc New Member
since 2007-02-22
Posts 6 |
Thank you for the reply. I'm not sure how my revision fails to meet the standard of a sonnet though. If you could elaborate on why it doesn't I would be greatful. Each sentence is exactly 10 syllables. The first and third sentences ryhmes, as does the fifth & seventh, sixth and 8'th, ninth and eleventh followed by the ending couplet. I took William Shakespeare's "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" Sonnet 18 as my example. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? thou art more lovely and more temperate: Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, And summer's lease hath all too short a date; Sometimes too hot the eye of heaven shines, And often is his gold complexion dimmed; And every fair from fair sometimes declines, By chance or nature's changing course untrimmed; But thy eternal summer shall not fade, Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st; Nor shall death brag thou wand'rest in his shade, When in eternal lines to Time thou grow'st: So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see, So long lives this, and this gives life to thee. While this is ultimately better than what I have composed it is exactly the same in that every line has ten syllables. I will study the form more as I'd love to become a more accomplished poet, but what exactly have I done wrong? I will examine the link throughly tonight. Thank you. |
||
|
Tim Senior Member
since 1999-06-08
Posts 1794 |
an off the cuff rough stab at what your poem would look like as a bumpy first draft of a sonnet. It might give you an idea what the others are talking about. To write a sonnet, I would suggest to read a number of them out loud to get the meter. Go to Sonnet Central and read sonnets out loud, it will give you the feel. I find it easier if you don't use more than two syllable words. When I was but a child, I was naïve, Consumed I was, with notions of my worth, I was on top, or so I did believe, The pyramid, this world we call the earth. Oh would I could, sit ever on my peak, On which I sat, bathed in adoration, But then I learned, the world it did not seek, To hold me ever in adulation. For like a train, the world moves ever on, Not looking back, new passengers its aim, For surely as the sun does rise at dawn, The highest peak, each day seeks newfound fame. At age of ten, a child alone below Now left behind, peers up to peak's bestow. |
||
|
Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
A true sonnet does, in fact, adhere to a precise rhyme scheme and meter. Iambic pentameter is the standard. Iambic is a poetic "foot" that is made up of two syllables, the first unstressed and the second stressed, as in "de-LAY." Trochaic meter is the opposite (STRESSED/unstressed) such as in "SEA-son." The true sonnet is written in iambic pentameter (five iambic feet per line). Looking at your last revision line by line - I'd suggest more nips and tucks. My suggestions below are indicated in UPPER CASE for stressed syllables and lower case for unstressed syllables - such as: ___________________________________________ When I was (BUT) a child, (i WAS) naive. Consumed with (NOtions) of my (OWN) self worth (for) I was hope, or so I (DID) believe. Attention lavished on me by the world. "stretching the rhyme - but you at least have assonance" And I would hold onto that till the last (in) adoration (FROM the MEdiA.) - "tion" ends in trochaic meter and won't work in a sonnet. Until a new star's born and I'M the past. (they'll FALL) in love with (GOLDen NEWborn SON) - "stretching it on the rhyming" My clinging to before would have to end (i) CAN'T regret (that WHICH i COULD not CHANGE) (new) future (TIMES) had come when I turned ten. (a TRUEly HIGH demand for (PREarRANGE). The cultures darling I no longer am. I AM the future, expectations damned! _____________________ All of the suggestions on this thread are good ones. I'm happy to see that you're finding a need to learn structured poetry. That's what it's all about, after all. Free verse is wonderful and fun, but a well-structured poem that flows smoothly without sounding forced is a work of art. Welcome to Passions in Poetry, BTW...  |
||
|
rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
They already pointed this out better than I ever could. But your poem has rhyme,kinda forced at that but it doesn't have consistant meter. That you need. Try being more familiar with structure and meter before you come back to this. Write other stuff that is more simple then come back and I'm sure writing a sonnet will be easier |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
