I need some feedbakc - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Chrissy
Member

since 2002-01-24

Posts 81
Idaho, no I am not a farmer!

0 posted 2002-01-24 01:08 AM

okay, I just need a little feed back, this is the first time I have ever submitted my poetry to ANYTHING...and Nobody has ever read it before...please help!

By the grace of God

We shutterd with fear on that horrible day,
As we held out loved ones and began to pray.
We asked God how can this be?
Why would you ever do this to me?
You took my brother, my child, my wife.
How could you go and shatter my life?
You turned the nation upside down,
you made each and every one of us frown.
The ones that are left cry out in pain,
As the Angels bring on the bitter rain.
Now that we are all tired and hurting,
and not one of us can understand or cope.
Just the God spoke to me, in his voice was a feeling of hope.
"My Child" He said "did you not see?
The hurting that you brought upon me?
The violence that you showed each and every day,
as you screamed and shouted, and wanted things your way?
This is the only way i could get you to understand,
Instead of hurting eachother, reach out and grab another hand.
Do not scream and push and shout,
please turn that hate inside out."
That moment I cried and wanted to die,
not one word that I heard was a lie.
We have head that God works in mysterious ways,
and thats exactly what He was doing that day.
So please be stong and help one another,
This ot the time that we need eachother.
I would really appriciate both positive and negitive feeback. I write a lot, but..some of it is really deep, and my writing is more of a journal for me, and is kept secret. I decided to venture out and share some of my views so please tell me what you think. Thanks again
Chrissy

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2002-01-24 11:23 AM

Hi Chrissy,

Welcome to the Critical Analysis forum. Sorry, I don't have much time for a critique right now but I'm sure someone else will come along soon.

Being new to the forum, you probably didn't know that CA #2 will be replacing this forum in the near future. Your poem will likely get more response if moved to CA #2. I can move it for you if you want. Just let me know by email or simply posting here.

Check your email.

Yours,

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

Chrissy
Member

since 2002-01-24

Posts 81
Idaho, no I am not a farmer!

2 posted 2002-01-24 06:37 PM

Thanks a ton!!
Well I am not quite sure how to delete a poem from a thingy, so If you could help me that would be GREAT!!! Thanks again!

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2002-01-25 05:53 PM

Bump

mauddib
Member

since 2002-01-12

Posts 119
melbourne australia

4 posted 2002-01-28 11:56 AM

Hi there Chrissy.
I have two comments on your poem.
First and foremost I aggree with it, they are good questions and answeres. It is sometimes very difficult to understand what Motivates God. I have shaken my fists at Him often. To which He probably just laughs.
With the structure of the poem, it changes rythm a bit, at the line where you say,
"Now that we are all tired and hurting"
Prior to this the timing was spot on, unbroken.
I think you might have rushed to complete a little a bit. A tool i use is that I read out loud to myself the poem as I imagine others would read it, for their first time.
Poems, unlike music, do not have a staff or a key that unlocks the timing.
One other, try to amalgamate words into one,
a thesauraus is good for this.
take care and god bless

LCBS
Senior Member

since 2001-11-29

Posts 532
Connecticut

5 posted 2002-02-02 12:14 PM

It is really quite good, I love the point of the poem and the strong faith you show in it. The only thing that might need to be looked at is this line: "Now that we are all tired and hurting..." it doesn’t really fit in with the timing of the poem, but I am sure that you can fix it because you seem to have real potential as a great poet.

I look foward to seeing more

LCBS

I was drowning in my own tears, until you threw me a life preserver

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.