Rose In Sun Must Fade - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

trutodaraiders
Senior Member

since 2006-12-02

Posts 820
CA

0 posted 2006-12-29 01:43 AM

Just looking on any insight on how to make this poem better. Dont worry I wont cry and send hateful responses or argue. Im open ears. Overall on this poem is it good, bad, doesnt make sense? Thanks for taking the time to help ~Bill

The dew upon the roses bloom
Could ne’er compare to thee,
And like that flower's sweet perfume,
You overpowered me.
But as with each fresh petal’s death,
Its beauty soon must die.
But the memory of its living breath
The artist can’t deny.
Though the rose in sun must fade,
So would its scent in deepest shade.

You the rose in life to me,
Must be allowed to grow,
Not tethered to the soul of me,
But to the love you long to know.
For though your beauty long will live,
Your soul must wing – displayed,
For ‘tis life in you that I must give,
Not stifle or degrade.
For though my soul is precious meant,
‘Tis shade to you, I cast and sent.

The fragrance and the bloom unite,
As one, to cast its spell.
In you... your soul and beauty fight.
This I know too well
And though I long to kiss the rose,
To inhale its heavens’ scent,
A deeper love is what I chose
For losing you I must prevent.
For though the roses beauty calls,
‘Tis the love of us, my heart befalls.

When your beauty seen in slow decay,
Will lessen not my love for you.
The words my heart and soul essay
Will speak of love... not sad adieu.
Your inner soul is what I crave,
Your fragrance, ‘til we part.
And when carried to my earthly grave,
'Twill be your fragrance in my heart.
And although the rose I loved so well,
‘Twas your fragrance that my heart befell.

Skippyrick
Member

since 2006-05-16

Posts 150
Rohnert Park

1 posted 2006-12-29 01:48 PM

Hi:

I really like most of this poem.  Sure a few more re-writes are going to make it better.  Some of the line dont seem to fit for me.  You will more then likely change them with out me pointing them out to you.  But:

In the second stanza "the soul of me"  seem wrong

In the thrid: ‘Tis the love of us'  agian my mind stoped there to think about who the us was.

The forth:  well It seemed somewhat slopy compared to the rest.  mmmm Is it needed at all?

Great read thanks

trutodaraiders
Senior Member

since 2006-12-02

Posts 820
CA

2 posted 2006-12-29 06:40 PM

Thanks for the read..I thought the 4th stanza was the best..Will get a few more comments before making my mind up appreciate the info (:

MoonShadow
Senior Member

since 2001-08-02

Posts 943
Dark side of the Moon.

3 posted 2007-01-12 01:37 PM

   Bill a little long and wordy for my taste (I realize that 'my taste' is subjective and personal to me). Takes a while to get to the point, hopefully without convoluting or getting lost along the way. Consider the sonnet that packs a whollop of imagery, meaning and emotion in only 14 lines.

     Offered in good natured sincerity...

                 MoonShadow
.

trutodaraiders
Senior Member

since 2006-12-02

Posts 820
CA

4 posted 2007-01-14 12:14 PM

I agree moonshadow. In the moment of writing this I planned in making atleast 20 syallabels. Sonnet is hard for me. More so I guess because of the restrictive nature. Thanks for the comment. Appreciate it

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.