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hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

0 posted 2006-11-17 09:11 AM

I know this needs work, I just ahve such horrible writers block... I feel like I ahve something to say and I just can't say it.

Anyway, I ahve been working on this for a while, any help is appreciated.

The open-shutness says it all
a frozen sound unlike (but not)
a chunk of January sod
upon a casket lid
which loudly in its mutedness
declares an end to things

But here there are no warming hands
or hulking shoulders shivering;
no elegy or wake or waves of potted plants and food-
just finality in garbage bags
a hefty hoist of formless soft
to thud on formless hard

a black terrain of skulls and ribs
congeals as one Pangea
fossilized and waiting for the waste disposal men
to clear the air and spread the lime
in this silent lonely pauper’s morgue;
ziplocked, inconspicuous
so open it’s a lie
a facet of the public face
that gifts the public eye

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

1 posted 2006-11-17 03:40 PM

I love this (and not 'cause I'm a fan of you personally) I just loved this.

There's an internal rhythm to it that appealled to my ear, and your choice of words are visually striking as well. I had a teeeeeeeensy bit of trouble with the last line of stanza two:

"to thud on formless hard"

and then with three? I don't know if you chose to leave it open ended like that, but you have an opportunity to pack a punch at the end of it, with just one additional, perhaps even isolated line at the end.

Something like:

ziplocked, inconspicuous
so open it’s a lie
a facet of the public face
that gifts the public eye

as if a cane could but suffice the blind.

Or something like that. (You could do it better, I'm sure--'cause I lost the rhythm with my suggestion.)

Perhaps the idea is little too neat and trite, but you get the idea. If you even like the idea.

(I tend to go for the sucker punch endings all too often m'self.)

And after closer inspection here, I see you have repetition in two verses, and I like it, and I think I would work with it, and perhaps add a foreshadow of repetition in the first stanza--

perhaps something like:

which loudly in its mutedness
declares an end to [muted] things

The repetition is a nice tool which made this reader consider why, and with the subject matter, I got my answer, sadly, because it is indeed, as if by using repetition you are pointing out a weary, "here we go again" aspect. (I much enjoy when construction underscores and emphasizes content in free verse.)

All the above is merely suggestion, of course, as I don't like to re-write others stuff. I hope you didn't mind my enthusiastic "jumping in" like that.

On its own I think it's actually fine as it is--but when it was done, I felt like I had tasted a soup and thought, something's missing.

Enjoyed the read, even with the heavy subject matter.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2006-11-18 08:26 AM

Karen-

Thanks so muhc.

Actually, I love your suggestion:

'which loudly in its mutedness
declares an end to [muted] things'

and I definitely plan to use it. You really helped me with a line I was having major problems with.

Is the title too much? I was thinking of going with a simple (yet vague) "TAHS" (Toledo Area Humane Society) but who's going to get that?

'ziplocked, inconspicuous
so open it’s a lie
a facet of the public face
that gifts the public eye'

Mmmm, see, I thought I had packed a punch? Could punctuation be the difference? Would a simple period help? Prolly not...

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

3 posted 2006-11-18 10:58 AM

Hush? I'm forty five.

There's no such thing as a simple period.

But actually, I think you may be right.

Sometimes stating something directly and punctuated simply has more impact than a melodramatic contrivance. (I'm guilty of that in my own stuff and know it.)

I like the title. (In my haste yesterday I forgot to say so.) I don't think you need more explanation than that--

and hmmm...thinking of me, huh?

I get nervous when I think about people thinking about me.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

4 posted 2006-11-20 06:07 PM

This is interesting.

Except, mutedness?

There's gotta be a better word than that.

Not sure why you need the parentetical thing in the first stanza either.

Still, a lot of this carries the reader along quite well.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

5 posted 2006-12-15 10:44 PM

I wanted to bump this one up. It stays with you longer than I expected.

And that's always a good thing.

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