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The Tide Turns
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Tide Turns |
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beccymelling Junior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 31Birmingham, England |
Mercurial pulsating as the ocean groans Its sickening pallor through cloying grit That congests each staggering pitch. Thrashing, writhing, A dying animal Foaming at the mouth. The distended stomach lurches Heaving up its entrails, Corrosive bile hurled at sallow cliffs That buckle and pucker Their arthritic knots Clenching barnacled fists. The wind wheezes A rasping breath to catch The spit and hiss of satiated hostilities Pocking the ashen sludge Whilst the sky lynches up A twisted shroud. © Rebecca Melling 6/6/2002 |
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| © Copyright 2002 Rebecca Melling - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hello Rebecca Melling and welcome to Critical Analysis. It's always fun to hear a new voice. Check your email. Thanks, Pete |
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beccymelling Junior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 31Birmingham, England |
Hi Pete. Thank you for your welcome. I'm a little confused by your comment "check your email". I did, and aside from the email notification that forwarded me here there is nothing. Have I missed something? Confused! Beccy |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I tried to send you an email but it may not have worked so I tried again. If you get two copies, don't worry, it was my mistake. Pete |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Hi Beccy, hope you find the CA forum to your liking. I think you have some outstanding imagese here, like: 'That buckle and pucker Their arthritic knots' 'Whilst the sky lynches up' (Although I don't care for the word 'whilst'- I think it's overly archaic, and a simple 'while' does the trick without the [what I see as] pretentious undertone...) In some places, I think this poem tends to be a little wordy, almost too 'imagey'- your images are all pretty good, a few of them really great, but in the swirl of sensual appeal in the words... I failed to see why I, as the reader, should care about a storm at sea. I think maybe if you brought the title into the poem more, you could add some depth- "The Tide Turns" implies a battle, and the underdog changing things for his benefit... maybe you could explain what the tide is changing from, who the ocean is fighting, or something to that extent. Overall, I enjoyed the imagery, but found myself wanting a little more to chew on. Hope I've helped. -Amy Who is John Galt? |
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beccymelling Junior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 31Birmingham, England |
Hi Amy Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my poem. Your comments are much appreciated. I agree with you about the use of whilst and will substitute it. The idea behind the title was that the ocean, which can look so tranquil, has turned on its surroundings, the cliffs etc, but also a "turn" can refer (in england anyway) to illness. I have tried to convey the ocean as desperately ill as a rabid animal that turns on anyone in its location. You mention my poem being too "wordy", is there any chance you could highlight any words / lines you feel to be excessive? It can be hard to be objective when you have written a piece. I have clear ideas why i used specific words/phrases, but if they do not work with the flow and picture it would be helpful to know. In terms of more to chew on, or why a reader would care...What would you as the reader require to care? Maybe my love of the ocean has coloured my perceptions of this piece! Thanks so much again for your constructive help and comments, much appreciated. Beccy |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Hi Beccy. 'Mercurial pulsating as the ocean groans Its sickening pallor through cloying grit That congests each staggering pitch.' There's no word in particular I can really pick out here- it's just that there's so much for the reaer to digest in so few lines- I think maybe wordy was the wrong description to use for this poem... but you have so many adjectives in such a small space that it's hard for me to sort them all out... I mean, it takes a few times actually going through this section (for me, maybe it's different for other people) to actually get a solid image in my mind- of an ocean tossing so hard the sand is turned into its waves, groaning through the upheaval- and to tell you the truth, now that it's daytime and I've slept, I think I can appreciate that a little more... 'In terms of more to chew on, or why a reader would care...What would you as the reader require to care? Maybe my love of the ocean has coloured my perceptions of this piece!' Well... I guess that depends on what you're aiming for. I don't feel the connection to the ocean that you do- if you want to make this a universal poem that will appeal to more people, I would suggest tying it in with some universal human problem such as love, or inner torture, etc. But I don't think someone necessarily has to do that- just because I feel that the ocean doesn't interest me enough as subject matter without more ties to my world, doesn't mean that others share my point of view. You can't please everybody, and just because I wasn't 100% satsified with content doesn't negate the value of the poem... sorry if my post seemed a little too final in my opinion, I can sound like that sometimes, and I really don't mean to... honest, I know I'm not always right!  Hope I've helped. Who is John Galt? |
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beccymelling Junior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 31Birmingham, England |
Hi Amy You have helped, and I really appreciate you spending the time to point out things that didn’t work for you. Maybe I just get a little carried away with adjectives! But there are soooooo many to choose from ! lol. I deliberately hoped to steer away from a poem with emotional undertones, as much of my work up until I wrote this was far too self centred! I wanted to experiment with something new, and try and paint the most vivid image I could of something in nature that captured my imagination. You really have no need to apologise for your opinions, after all – I asked for it! I would rather have honest opinions than sugary compliments any day. (although its nice to get one occasionally! Lol) Thanks again Beccy |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
So much for my intentions of going to the shore for a swim. LOL! : ) |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi Beccy, I'm coming in late on this but if you are revising then perhaps you would like my take on your write. I do feel that the poem is overdone with the adjectives, too, too many but that is easily taken care of, right? It would be an idea also to let the reader know why all this anger/bitter feelings have come about. You have some good things going on here too. In the first stanza you might like to slim it down to something like the ocean groans with its pale pallor, each staggering pitch congested like a dying animal foaming at the mouth. Just to give you an idea , sometimes it's hard to explain and easier to show. Hope you don't mind. That 2nd stanza is really gruesome Beccy, *smile* I do like "arthritic knots clenching barnacled fists," not sure if it's cliche, but it sounds good to me. The 3rd stanza-- the wind wheezes - I like spit and hiss - sounds good If I'm not mistaken, you have already decided to nix "whilst"-- good. I am not too sure what "the sky lynches up a twisted shroud" means but my brain may be a little lame today, kinda tired. I don't know if this helped too much, perhaps just a little? Keep up the good work Beccy, I see talent here. caterina |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
That's a heck of a sick ocean! Such a beautifu planet and they insist on ruining it! Ver well expressed! God Bless! [This message has been edited by Radrook (08-18-2002 08:54 AM).] |
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