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Free Falling
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Free Falling |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
I would like to be a Red Maple lush with leaves and ninety feet tall standing in the middle of a field, alone, and zizzle with a zap from a lightening bolt volts of words shooting through my branches and from that day forward, a poem on every leaf that falls. caterina |
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| © Copyright 2002 Carol Jane Bleichert - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Very nice! I liked this a lot. My suggestion would be to drop "lush with leaves" because the image that pops into my mind is a leaved-out maple anyway, and although it foreshadows the last line it may be unnecessary. Also "standing in the middle of the field" could be shortened simply to "mid-field" (and couple with maple could add alliteration if desired). Alone is redundant because you are already in the middle of a field. "from a lightening bolt" zeems a little bit zimple, I'd aim for a more poetic phrazing. Here are my additional suggestions: I would like to be a Red Maple mid-field ninety feet tall *perhaps insert a reference to a thunderstorm of emotions, ideas, etc. brewing above--be subtle though* and zizzle with a zap volts of words *surging* (or *coursing*) through my branches and from that day forward, a poem on every leaf that falls. This may seem like a lot of suggestionsn (perhaps nit-picky), but that's because I really liked this one and was able to jump right into it. Well done! Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Caterina, I liked this poem too, loved the last line... however I have to agree with the suggestions made by Kirk. I think his edits would add a little more spark to the poem and tighten the loose spots up. I don't really have any advice other than agreeing with Kirk about his...pretty hard to add to his fine critique. Excellent image Caterina, Thanks for the read. Trevor |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Thankyou Kirk, glad you liked. You have really given me some food for thought here. I pondered extensively on "lush with leaves," whether to leave in or take out. I sort of wanted the reader to pay attention to those leaves, you know, to introduce them for a specific reason, re the ending. I have another idea on that though. I don't know about mid-field though, when I say that word I think of a baseball field, it's better than what I had but the image concerns me. Have to think about that. I could say-- open field, perhaps that would be a consideration? I did realize that "alone" was redundant and I put it there specifically for dramatic reasons, to compound that image of the tree sitting there in the center of the field. I do feel now, however, that it should be removed. "Zeems a little bit zimple" lol Yes, I agree. I have decided to take the bolt out but I feel the need to keep the word "lightening"-- that zap has to come from somewhere, yes? I like your suggestion on inserting a line in reference to a thunderstorm and yes, it must be subtle. Also, I think I will go with the word surging. Great suggestions, I will post a revision in the near future, I do hope you will take a look see and let me know your verdict. Thanks again Kirk. caterina |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi Trevor, Yes, Kirk did a great crit. Thankyou for letting me know that you liked it. I just hope I don't get carried away in revision and botch it up. Revision, revisions... they can be frustrating, for me anyway. Thanks again. caterina |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I have to say that I like this version better, too... but I personally did like the 'veined with letters' image- yeah, it makes the metaphor obvious, but it's not like it was hidden to begin with. Just out of curiosity, why did you choose to double space this? Anyway, I did enjoy this... someone in the revision thread pointed out how unusual it is for the tree to be waiting for the storm- I think that's a cool idea... perhaps disclosing a truth about poets, since we often love to write oh-so-melancholy? interesting... BTW- Lightening, I think it's just lightning? Hope I've helped. Who is John Galt? |
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