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The sun has got his hat on
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The sun has got his hat on |
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Beau de L'air Member
since 2006-08-03
Posts 105Middlesex, England |
I wrote this (after many drafts) because an art teacher was leaving and I adored her quirky art school clothes and her physical grace. To Imogen Luddy. The moon shines like the good old days, Her daughters coin her silver as their due. Time moves the tides and the changes drain The sand by the hour, even the glass in the pane. And the rain we shut our windows to, Is intimate with melancholy, So dissolve in laughter and regret the thing That keeps our lives on a lonely string. You are so lovely, and lovely when you play, now the sun has got its hat on. And it’s shining on your way. DG 2006 Portraits of pals. [This message has been edited by Beau de L'air (08-05-2006 02:26 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 D Gettings - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Beau, I will let Pete comment on this one, as I am more intimate with free verse...he's the expert on rhyme and rhythm. I liked the imagery in the first two lines, but found the last line of the first stanza confusing. Again, in the second stanza, the first two lines have good imagery and read nicely, but the next two don't seem to fit. well. Sorry, but I did not care for the wording in the last stanza...too sweet, and a bit like a nursery rhyme. This, of course, is just my humble opinion. Keep writing, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Beau de L'air Member
since 2006-08-03
Posts 105Middlesex, England |
In time even glass melts and in really old houses window glass can be seen to buckle. I think the poem is sentimental, you are right, but there is more in a nursery rhyme than we sometimes imagine. Thank you for your reply. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Ok, Kris got me interested in this one. I won't approach it from the rhyme and meter viewpoint though as I find both to be rather subdued to the content. I ddid find a couple of stumbling blocks to the otherwise natural flow. I had to read more than once to get it right but after I loved the first 2 lines. Can't figure now why it didn't come together the first time for me. L3 flows well enough but L4 doesn't work so well, for me anyway. I would rather remove the comma and replace even with and. It is still a stretch though to think of window glass being "drained." In reference to your answer to Kris, I think glass melts at something like 1500 degrees F. The waviness in old windows was there right from their beginning. They didn't know how to make flat glass even 75 years ago. In stanza 2, you should drop the comma after L1 and probably change the comma after L2 to a period. Actually, I like S3 even though it may be a bit like a nursery rhyme. I think the first line is too long a a bit awkward though. I would shorten it to: You are so lovely when you play. and start the next line as a new sentence and drop the period at its end. Thanks for sharing. I hope I haven't butchered you efforts too much. Pete BTW, I appreciated your intro note that this is after many drafts. I only wish everyone would show the same courtesy here in CA instead of bringing random ramblings. |
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Beau de L'air Member
since 2006-08-03
Posts 105Middlesex, England |
Thank you I will take your comments into consideration. As for the glass. I have checked this with geologists who confirm that glass like most solids, is quite fluid over geological time. You just can't see the effects of gravity in our time frame. In fact glass is relatively fluid in historical time frames, and Medieval glass has a pronounced sag I'm told. The image is a conceit to be sure, but no different from a remark like "I will miss you for ever" only it's possibly more picturesque. The comma in line 4 is a caesura, a metrical device I think. You may be right about the "and" which I had originally but changed it for some reason. You are also correct in suggesting I drop the comma in line 1 verse 2. I was reluctant to elide To with Is however. Quite correct there should have been a full stop (or as you call them 'periods') or perhaps a semi colon, a punctuation mark which is sadly lacking in too much "free verse". The "You are so beautiful..." is a major headache and has been through at least six revisions, and I just can't square it with the necessary swing of a nursery rhyme. I am disappointed that many in this forum are disparaging about nursery rhymes. They work because they are remembered, and they are remembered because they are good and I have no hesitation in recommending them to others who would like to "borrow" an idea from the deeper levels of folk consciousness. |
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David D Jerald Member
since 2006-08-07
Posts 74Tucson, Arizona |
Be careful Beau de L'air, I think you have a thing for your art teacher? I like your last verse of your poem. It gave you away. Dave lol |
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Beau de L'air Member
since 2006-08-03
Posts 105Middlesex, England |
Yea, I reckon, I'm such a sap for a pretty girl and a straight back.. A colleague though , not my art teacher. |
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