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My first poem
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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My first poem |
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Miner boy New Member
since 2002-07-28
Posts 2 |
I just wrote this tonite, my first poem since 3rd grade. I leave for college August 24th. Confusing World Why do people tell people who feel depressed about personal problems to think about people who are dying of cancer or A.I.D.S. and be thankful? All of the sudden we have to be terminally ill in order to feel undesired feelings? Who are these assholes to tell us to feel more cheerful? I hate those one dimensional simple type indiviuals who run their mouths about feelings that have not once penetrated into their cement-like mitochondria. Few will get this next one, but I'll say it anyway. I've named these type people "norads", and hopefully some of my summer friends will catch that one. To add to the earlier trash talking on morons, your not the only group on my "despisal list". I can't say "hate list" these days, cause it'll put me in jail, so imma say "despisal list" to keep me from getting locked up. This place isn't split up into just those that "Get it" and those that "Dont". There's also a group of those who are at the present time "in limbo". I said limbo to make me sound more intelligent by the way. I actually loathe these [edit] even more than the one celled group. I'll take it a step further and call these people "those of the silent majority who felt a little uneasy". These people actually had the chance to join the party, but they chose to play it safe. They deserve limbo. As for myself, ask anyone I know, and they'll tell you. I'm gettin some pretty big calluses from digging, but sadly, I didn't pick mechanical engineering as my major. [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (07-30-2002 09:25 AM).] |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
This reads a little more like angstful webpage postings than poetry. As a starting place I would start by adding more imagery--colors, smells, etc. In addition, I find words that require ************ to be turnoffs when reading poetry, but maybe that's just personal preference. Good luck on your revisions and at college. I hope you have a **** of a time and learn a lot of good ****. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi Miner, This is a very powerful read, packed with emotions but as it stands right now it is not a poem-- and I am not saying that to be mean, I don't have a mean bone in my body... but you need to put this in some kind of a format, right now it comes across as something that would be written in a journal out of anger and that is ok but in order for it to be a poem you have to take it further and perhaps take some of the abstract words and replace it with an image, something we, as a reader can relate to. In other words, show don't tell, and perhaps some metaphors & similis. I like your title btw and the world certainly can be confusing, that's for sure. On another positive note, I do think that you can work with this and turn it around. I would also suggest that you read as much poetry as you can... it does help. Writing poetry is a lot of work but it pays off in the long run if you are really determined and want it bad enough. I wish you well in your writing and college. caterina |
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R. Dean Junior Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 37Illinois--USA |
I certainly agree that this is a rant, not a poem. Poetry must be able to say something that prose cannot, or at least say it more succinctly, or with imagination...something to catch the reader and make him feel, "I never thought of it quite this way before" If you are going to re-write this, that is where you should begin. But, even more than that, how about first reading some good poetry. Get ahold of Perrine, Ciardi, and others and find out what the elements of a good poem are. Since you are off to college, a good course in creative writing might be of help. Yours in peace, |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Have to agree with the others, it is a rant... a bit of creative editing and fleshing out the images might help. There is nothing wrong with a rant poem, but you needs to describe emotions instead of simply saying them, There is a lot of possibility for imagery here especially in the last few lines, "I'm gettin some pretty big calluses from digging, but sadly, I didn't pick mechanical engineering as my major." A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.oscar wilde |
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