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Critical Analysis #2
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She is a Geisha
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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She is a Geisha |
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playing.with.crayons Member
since 2006-01-02
Posts 362Neverland 
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The girl cries confused weak. Sleep had been her friend not ten minutes ago. Her mother, shaking cloth pressed to her eyes But nothing could stop her cries. She sits eyes downcast, lidded with uncertainty, Plagued by her pleas for home. Slowly, slowly she bends. Presses her hands into the floorboards, head bowed. And a tap on her shoulder brings her eyes skyward. Folds of grace in the guise of a kimono And eyes, bright and knowing glint. The Okiya's Mother. A nod. Brisk, certain. And the little girl begins a lifelong art. She must endure pain disomfort For she must be graceful, beautiful Captivating. She dances, and her eyes ablaze with contained laughter hold the men hold them She has caught them in her spell She is wise, and she is clever She is beauty She is art She is art A wrist, held so delicately entrances encaptures. Her neck, tongues of skin pointing down down. Her face wears a white mask and that is all it is. A mask. A small red stain on her lips crystallised sugar Lustre A small circle on her lips. She is a geisha And she is a moving work of Art.  [This message has been edited by playing.with.crayons (03-21-2006 11:07 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 cheye - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I like this... the quiet imagery seems to accentuate the subtle beauty and understated cleverness of a geisha. The only part I thought was a bit much was: 'She is art She is art' I think that saying it once really works with the previous two lines, but the repetition of the line is clunky to the flow and overkill. Also, the italicized "is" seems out of place- to stress that word seems to jar the flow even more. I personally don't think the line (use once) needs any extra emphasis. Hope this helped. |
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playing.with.crayons Member
since 2006-01-02
Posts 362Neverland |
Thanks for the input - that was the kind of feel I wanted. And yes perhaps just the one line would smooth it out. By the way - love the screen name. It's the title of my favourite ep. of Buffy. *grin* cheye farewell the ash-tray girl |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi, This work does create a beautiful, yet sad and lonely image. The only suggestion I have is to watch your punctuation and capitalizations. They seem a bit haphazard, and I think the poem would read more smoothly if they were corrected. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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playing.with.crayons Member
since 2006-01-02
Posts 362Neverland |
Oh yeah (laugh laugh) I have this weird thing sometimes when it doesn't seem right to put a full stop but I want to put a capital. I'm odd like that. but I'll fix it... I was reading through it again and wondering whether it'd be worthwhile taking out a few of the "and"s. Does it read a bit jerky with all of them in there? |
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