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Critical Analysis #2

Can you tell?

playing.with.crayons
Member

since 2006-01-02

Posts 362
Neverland

0 posted 2006-01-28 08:17 AM

Can you tell
from the chips in the walls
and my unwashed hair

From the cigarette burns
and stained clothes
and the way my own voice echoes
as though there's nothing inside...

From my undone essays
and overdone scream
from the wistful rememberings of
yesterday
before it all went wrong...

From my tearstained pillow
and all my long sleeved tops
from my silent reprimand
when I hear them laughing

From the stained glasses
and pills under my bed
from the running mascara
and shaking hands...

Can you tell
from these tearstained eyes
where it all went wrong?
* * *
I know this is completely lacking in anything image wise... It seems to me its too... well. Bad.

LifeSinger
Junior Member

since 2006-01-15

Posts 25
Kentucky, USA

1 posted 2006-02-04 08:09 AM

I honestly cant critique this because now that ive read it, well, its like you painted a picture of me, and to critique would be hard anyway because i honestly cant find anything wrong with it.

(yes i know this is a critical analysis forum, but i couldnt pass this poem up without saying something positive)

playing.with.crayons
Member

since 2006-01-02

Posts 362
Neverland

2 posted 2006-02-04 11:32 PM

thank you for your sweet comment... and I am sorry if you've felt like this. hold on pal. xxx

farewell the ash-tray girl

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

3 posted 2006-02-06 11:54 PM

Hi,

I think you've painted quite an emotional, personal picture here. It certainly does tell a story.

I do think that it needs just a bit of reworking...tightening up...and it would definitely be very good. It is certainly not bad the way it is.

Regards,
Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

playing.with.crayons
Member

since 2006-01-02

Posts 362
Neverland

4 posted 2006-02-07 09:16 PM

Yes I agree I'm really not happy with the 4th stanza, its choppy and icky. Argh.

farewell the ash-tray girl

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