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Fenced
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Fenced |
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Amen Junior Member
since 2005-09-13
Posts 28Brooklyn, New York |
Riding on a metaphor, Over his fence, disrepaired "LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME!" Not today, he smugly declared "I have a fence to reconstruct, The old one was disassembled, for true love and happiness" With hat in hand he trembled... "You see, I put it all out there. Fed it all to these seeds, I watered my garden... Now I have nothing but weeds." "Whatever fruit did flourish Believe me, I truly enjoyed But now, that she left me, I realize how I was toyed" "So I am out of gardening. Fence construction, my new game. Why feed the seeds my love poems, When they always end the same." "Go back to where you came from, take your metaphor with you too. I don't need such poetry, Cause me and love poems are through" "The ripest fruit will spoil. Simply nothing can be done. Don't tempt me with your metaphor" As it turned around to run. So he worked right through the night And marveled at his creation. "Nothing can get through this fence." He neglected one equation... He lived behind his wall for years, standing guard, for its defence. The broken hearted poet, lived and died behind his fence. [This message has been edited by Amen (09-18-2005 01:02 AM).] |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
It's interesting that instead of the usual spelling 'defense' you used 'defence': defined as "n 1: (psychiatry) an unconscious process that tries to reduce the anxiety associated with instinctive desires" (American Heritage Dictionary) I don't know if your spelling choice was unintentional, or if you were continuing your fence imagery. Quite blatant for my taste, but coherent, although I'd rework the first stanza for clarity. Also, you seem to be stretching for a rhyme with 'equation'. In my opinion as one studying calculus (and thus abnormal), this isn't really the word you're looking for, or at least not the best one. I look forward to reading more of your work. Do you ever write free verse? |
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Amen Junior Member
since 2005-09-13
Posts 28Brooklyn, New York |
I agree with you about the 8th verse, its one of the weaker verses along with the 4th IMHO. As for defence spelled wrong, I actually didn't know it was a psychiatric condition, however, I believe that the spellings are interchangeable depending on where you are from. |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
That may well be, as I live pretty far from New York and Canadians spell many words correctly, and thus differently than those in the USA.   |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
If you smoothed out the meter and cut this down to about three stanzas, it might actually be an interesting poem. As it stands now, its a tedious read. IMO, the last stanza is the strongest in this write, which isn't really saying much, since they're all relatively weak--but it's necessary in summing up your premise. Unless you italicize "defence," to show that you meant it as a sort of Freudian slip, you should spell it correctly. Otherwise, without similar puns thrown in, the reader will automatically assume a misspelling has occurred. Also, technically, this doesn’t really qualify as a true rhyme, since you’re simply “rhyming,” fence with fence. If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICSoria My poetry forum. |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
Hey, I was interested. I'd cut the fat in this and fix the meter clinks but I wouldn't presume to think that three stanzas would do the trick. Not when I see that there is much here to hang on to; worth hanging on. I did have to take a second wind while reading but not a third or more that can result in giving up reading. And so I wouldn't call it tedious, just a bit thick. I also like the premise of this and think it's pretty dang crafty even though plainly told. I just think that you need to dig even deeper to bring this one home but it's still cool by me all the same. Regards, Lisa |
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yv Senior Member
since 2003-05-30
Posts 574 |
There are only a few minor things that I can truly say in terms of criticism. First: the rhyming seems a bit forced and hokey...but...seeing as I'm not the biggest fan of rhyming...I don't think I'm probably the best authority as far as rhyming goes. The imagery is acceptable...I believe the stretch of the word metaphor and its literary use as a metaphor is creative and quite ambitious. The first stanza…it just seems to be trying to search for a strong introduction rather than being a strong introduction…do you see what I’m sayin’? You were right to doubt the effectiveness of the fourth stanza…its idea is quite romantic {in terms of the romantic ideas of “love” and “loss”} and has the ability and potential to break a lot of hearts…however the approach in terms of language just didn’t work for me. The whole stanza seems superimposed with a rhyme scheme instead of allowed to breathe as a genuine free verse {although I know that would break the “flow” more or less of the poem…which is written with a definite rhyme scheme}. I love the sixth stanza…except for the veeeeeery last line of it…Cause me and love poems are through…not really bad in any terms of the word…but the word Cause just kind of rubs me the wrong way. And because I’m already biased against rhyme schemes…it just threw off the flow of the poem…the meter of it just seems off to me. As eminor_angel expressed…the word equation in the last line of stanza eight seems just thrown in there…as you said yourself. The stanza itself is beautiful…however. It’s all in all a very lovely poem…full of passion and ambitious analogies of metaphor to actual sadness. I really enjoyed your poem…forgive me for being overcritical…but I wanted to be as objective as possible in order to deliver my first real-live critique! How’d I do?? Did I mention…I loved your poem? Just some things I noticed that were a bit interesting. Yv~Seeing eternal Sunshine Still shrouded in blinding Darkness |
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